-Ice to Meet You-
It was March 2016, I had been on a ship doing a contract for about 4 months by this point. I had some ship flings here and there but nothing crazy serious. My two people that flamed this mistake, are actually two people who I was just jealous of and I am grown enough to admit it at this point. Noah and Matt. Noah was an incredible British musical theatre performer who was playing our Kenickie in our production of “Grease”. He’d done ships before and was currently in a great relationship with another cast member on board, but had just gotten out of a very serious relationship that sounded incredibly mentally damaging. Matt was our Doody, he had a keen way of making me feel like shit (whether on purpose or accident). Either way, at the end of the day we had a very interesting on board friendship. Now I can look back and see that this was all entirely my insecurities and jealousies.
Now that the exposition is out of the way, on with the story!
It was March and the ship had three shows. Our production show, an Aqua show and an Ice skating show. The gossip train had gotten around our cast, that Noah’s ex boyfriend (the one that made him an alcoholic and broke his heart) was coming on board to join the new ice cast. Naturally, my sadistic mind was curious. I was excited to see what the hype was all about, because Noah is a gorgeous boy. So to think someone would break his heart, they had to be something special. Me and Noah weren’t the closest, but we were still friends.
*What happened in these 7 months, I’m not proud of but they happened and it’s my journey and I’m owning up to this all.*
One day while I’m sat in the mess, I look up and see this new boy walk in. He was a very handsome young man, with curly brown hair and chocolate brown eyes. He was very tall and lean, he was what the Weather Girls were singing about in “It’s Raining Men”. The boy who I’d never seen before looked at me and didn’t take his eyes off of me. I looked back with an interested but quizzical look on my face. I never like to fully give away if I’m into someone or not, but when I was looking at him I felt excited, scared, sick and anxious. I thought it was love at first sight that I was feeling, but it was something completely different.
From that moment on I was always excited to run into this mystery boy, who I instinctually knew was Noah’s ex-boyfriend. I told one of my friends on board, “I’m in trouble. Keep me away from that boy.” They told me, “That’s Noah’s ex. He’s off limits and really messed him up.” My brain translated that to “That’s Noah’s ex but let’s see where this takes us.”
I went up to the smoothie bar with my best friend in the cast Frank, we ran into one of the current skaters Ashley and she was with Noah’s ex, Wyatt. I got my typical smoothie and he asked me what was in it, I told him “it has peanut butter, banana, whey protein, almond milk and a shot of espresso.” He looked at me and then the smoothie and then back at me, “sounds like everything I need and more.” I looked at him kind of incredulously and he read that as me not been interested. I walked around and said by to Ashley and nodded bye to Wyatt. Noah was planning on leaving the contract early, and I was trying to fight it off. He was attractive but way to forward for my taste at the time. I would go around to crew parties and people would come up to me and tell me “someone in the new cast has a crush on you!” There were only 2 gay guys in the cast and one of them was already talking with one of the aqua cast members so the message came across pretty loud and clear. I was nervous! I didn’t want anyone to think I was truly purposely swooping in on my cast mates ex boyfriend, but I did kind of use “the secret” for it. We ran into each other at the crew bar and we talked for a bit and then I offered to buy him a drink, to which he responded that he quit drinking a year ago. I then left to get a drink and make sure I was far enough away from him for the rest of the night.
A few days later, I was with my same friend Frank and received a message on Facebook.
Wyeth: Hey Cody 🙂. I think you're really handsome and a nice guy... always want to talk w you more but both of us are always going from one thing to the next and I never really get the chance. Would you be interested in maybe gettin lunch or dinner with me some evening soon? 😃
Me: Hey Wyeth,
I'm flattered to say the least haha and in normal circumstances I'd definitely go to dinner with you but I don't feel like with certain company present on board/in my cast, that I should really do that. I hope this doesn't come across in a bad way but I'll still be nice and down to chat in the mess and crew pubs and stuff. Hope you got to get off today and I'll see you soon : )
Wyeth: Yes I certainly understand. It was my only hesitancy in asking, but I am working on moving forward, and I definitely have interest in getting to know you better... I don't want to put you in An uncomfortable position at all. Perhaps we could just see how things go and wait a few weeks. 😉 if you have any interest, once things change a bit around here, perhaps you could revisit the notion. And yes, I look forward to hanging out a bit more. X
Me: That sounds like a plan cuz I'd be lying if I said I didn't have any interest in you
Wyeth: That's certainly exciting to hear 😜. Looking forward handsome 🙂
Me: I’ll see you around, Wyeth.
These messages made me feel the most attractive I’d ever felt. He knew that. The only thing holding me together was my uncertainty and my initial rejection. I don’t know why I gave in. At the time I wasn’t that attracted to him. I just didn’t want him to try to go back with Noah or potentially go out with Matt (because rumor had it that he flirted with him as well).
We secretly would hang out in his cabin and watch movies, laugh and kiss…a lot. We went on our first date at a really nice restaurant in Miami. Our server was so taken a back about how beautiful we looked together. That was our thing. Everyone had to stop and tell us how beautiful we looked together. It was an amazing ego boost. After all of this time feeling like I wasn’t worthy or going to amount to anything, I was finally with a guy who was seemingly head over heels for me and who looked amazing next to me.
One night we were watching a movie in one of our friends cabins and we were all snuggled up. It was two days before Noah was going to leave. Up until this point the only thing that may have given us away was that I went out to Jamaica with him and his friends and we rode a canoe together and he posted it on Instagram. For reasons I don’t know, because I asked him to try to keep this a secret. I felt uncomfortable and uneasy but didn’t want to jump to conclusions because he said “he was trying to work past and change”.
But we were watching a movie and were snuggled on the floor, then theres a knock on the door. Our host goes to open the door and its Noah, he immediately see’s us together on the floor and looks stunned. I look back scared and ashamed, Wyeth seems oddly at ease, almost as if this was everything he wanted from this. Looking back on this now, I feel very used and taken advantage of.
The next day again, I received a message from Noah wishing me the best of luck and that he couldn’t be upset because he was in a happy relationship at the moment. I told him thank you and that I would never have wanted him to think I would do this for any reason beyond wanting to give Wyeth a chance.
The contract went by and we stayed together. It was amazing sex, incredible memories and I was treated like a prince. He wanted me for him all of the time, all day, everyday. It felt scary, it felt comforting and it felt intoxicating. I was beloved by his friends and even when I met his mom (who is not an easy critic) grew to form a positive opinion on me. I thought this one was it, he was the one.
We got off of the ship and he came to visit my in New York. He had missed me so much and I had missed him as well(he finished the contract earlier than me). The first days were great, I met his family friends who we were house sitting for and a few other friends. I liked them a lot. We went out to an HBO premiere party and it was the biggest deal to me. I looked over and he had a glass of wine in his hand. “I thought you don’t drink?” I asked. “No I’ll be fine, it’s just some wine. Besides I only gave it up on the ship.” I didn’t want to be his mom and tell him that that was not what he told me, but instead I let him go for it. It was nice, we both could have a social drink together. He would look around the party the entire night as if in search for something or someone else. When we met his friends he tried to put me down a lot because I was so excited to be at an HBO party (mind you I was just acting grateful, I wasn’t being like dough eyed baby ingenue). We stayed out till 4 am. It was very odd in comparison to our picture perfect life on the ship where we went home straight after work and where I was expected to be back in his cabin at a certain time and I couldn’t go out with my cast. Anyway, we went out again the next day and I brought him to visit and meet my closest friends that were in the city. He was good, but always with my friends he would get super quiet and would never try to initiate conversation. Wyeth always had to make it a point on how young everyone was as well, because he was 31 and so ahead of the game than me because of it. I tried to shrug it off and have a fun night. We then got on the topics of ex’s and then he started talking about this boy named Chris who in the 5 months of dating I’d never heard of. “Who’s Chris?” I asked.
“He’s my ex boyfriend,” he pulled out his phone and showed me his Instagram. Chris looked like a white version of that bad boy model guy with the mug shot that was famous online for a spell. Nothing like me, or even Noah (who I was also compared to on multiple occasions).
“He’s very handsome.” I say, trying to be nice and hoping for him to turn and say that I was more handsome than him or something sweet.
Wyeth proceeds to say, in front of all of my friends, “Yeah he is,” he said this like he was ‘the one that got away’. I was left mortified, my friends were looking at me like I was dating the hugest douche bag ever. He then asked if we could leave early to hang out with Chris’ best friend Brandon. I said, sure why not. We went and immediately felt weird, the Brandon boy was like no friend of Wyeth’s I had ever met, and could have given less of a shit that I was in his home. I was then ignored the entire night and didn’t sit next to Wyeth the entire time. I left him at the bar and didn’t see him until he got back to the apartment at 4:30 am.
He then woke up at 9 am to visit with his “manager” and told me he’d be back soon. He then went to get a massage, then to run an errand at Sprint, and then never answered me back. He disappeared. I called all of his friends who I knew, to which one of them responded and said.
“Oh no, he does this sometimes. He’s probably doing drugs, the city isn’t good for him. Just stay there and be there for him when he gets back.” Like I was indebted to him, and should accept this behavior of his if I wanted to be with him. I stayed up the entire night and tried to sleep whenever I could. I couldn’t sleep at all. Wyeth didn’t come back home until 11:20 am the next morning. Looking terrible and feeling like shit. We cried and he explained more of his problems and past with me, I didn’t know what to do. In front of me I saw this sincere guy who had a trouble past who needed someone like me. Someone loyal, trusting and loving. He asked if I wanted to do this still, and that he knew he was difficult to date. I couldn’t say no to him then and there because I was just on this emotional rollercoaster and saw someone so broken. I was willing to sacrifice so much of myself because he couldn’t take the time to just go out and get professional help. Now, I may come across rather cold in regards to this but that is what this relationship came down to. He thought I could fix something that was so broken and deeply rooted in him, when all it was doing to me was breaking me. His problems were becoming my problems and my problems were becoming non existent, and worse of all irrelevant.
Wyeth left for another contract, our relationship went from ‘we are in this for the long run’ to ‘we’re taking it day by day’. He started telling me about this other skater who’s from Canada and was going to be in the Olympics this year and they were becoming great friends because they both were in very serious relationships. I was happy for him that he was making these friends, he told me that the other skater was engaged to be married to another skater who was around my age. I then started to get a little weirded out because he would talk about him all the time, and still was continuously talking about all of these ex boyfriends he still was in serious contact with. To which we got in an argument about when he came back to the city, why all 100 of his ex boyfriends were still so relevant in his life. I understand an occasional text or message on a birthday or a holiday, but this was constant contact. Wyeth then proceeded to get angry and tell me in the train station that I couldn’t understand because I had never been in a “real” relationship before so I wouldn’t understand. It was fine if it was one ex, but ALL of them, all of the time. It wasn’t normal the way he talked about them either but he gaslighted me into believing I was overreacting. I then started apologizing for caring and trying to add up his behavior, actions and words. He then left for his next contract and while he was gone I had constant anxiety, I couldn’t sleep. Wyeth was drinking and partying on a regular basis, he was distant whenever we talked on the phone and would never want to actively be sexy or show true affection.
I then found out from an anonymous person that he was being super flirty and entertaining thoughts of being with the Engaged Canadian Skater, and that the Engaged Canadian Skater was entertaining the idea as well. They had a “genuine connection”. I knew my anxiety was leading me to the right direction. I never told him I knew that, but I broke up with him. He looked at me in the eye on FaceTime so angry and I said “It’s not fun always thinking that your boyfriend is looking for something or someone else, when he has something already amazing in front of his face.”
He responded saying, “I have to go to work, because thats what people do.” He then hung up.
I thought I had overreacted and he continued to not own up to any of his odd behavior saying the only thing he wish he could have taken back was when he disappeared on me in NYC. I’m still trying to shrug it all off, because I really thought he loved me for a moment. He didn’t. He loved the idea of me and knew that he should have loved me, but he will always love himself and “the game” more. I feel tired, I feel played but overall I feel strong. At such a young age and having not have been in any “real relationships” (as he says), to know what I deserve and want out of life that is bigger than any dick, or hotter than any face or ego. I want a patient love, an honest love and a love that respects me for how strong I am. A love that believes in me and is greater than stereotypes.
Not all that glitters is gold. But sometimes you can take the glitter from that experience and get your sparkle back.
My anxiety is gone, my thoughts still cloud my brain but I know when this negativity leaves, a power that is greater than anything I’ve ever experienced will be in the horizon.
