.DIARY

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I dunno I am back in bath and things are just bad like really bad and I don't know if they will get better. I think this is maybe one of the lowest I have ever felt and I am not sure how much longer I can stand it anymore. I am trying not to do anything because I don't want anyone to think its reactionary to them- e.g me falling for being with someone once again that treats me like utter trash but also understanding why they do and why it's my fault- I don't want anyone to blame themselves or be hurt because of me. Okay I am going to say it because I think if I say it somewhere even if no one sees this it might make me less likely to act on it because telling no one makes me it feel more likely. Recently I get these waves of being super suicidal in a more serious way than ever, I dream about it all the time and I want to be okay but my brain keeps telling me it's the only solution and it's the only way I can stop crying and feel calm again knowing I might be able to get out of this soon. I have felt like dying many times before but I am never sure how serious it was because I would not make specific plans and I would fantasise about it but I can remember often I would fantasise it where it would be more of an attempt and cry for help so I would imagine waking up in hospital telling everyone how sorry I was or something rather than definite death. But now I think really specifically and plan and I need to tell someone but obviously I don't want to really tell anyone because a huge part of me wants to succeed. The part of me writing this I guess doesn't because I feel like even though this is to no one specific saying it is somehow a deterrent because it's not this entirely this big secret I have to keep from everyone in order to succeed. I wish there was someone to support me and make me feel better and I wish I always wanted to fight and live enough to tell someone to help me but I really don't. I just don't want to wake up or exist. Ugh this is too pointless to even be saying I don't think I am going to post this I am too scared of people seeing it.

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Why do I keep thinking maybe I am dying of a deadly illness?? Do I want to die from one?

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I dunno I feel pretty depressed in a very teary sort of way as of late and keep finding myself crying for no reason and I am not sure what is physical illness and what is being sad that is keeping me in bed so frequently. I dunno I think staying in this house for so long is bad for me and I keep getting these intense feelings of anger towards my family that I can't really explain but as passive as I am I smile while thinking of stabbing them and I don't know how to avoid inflicting some kind of violence some where of some sort in some direction that isn't towards me . I stupidly read wasted over the past few days and initially I didn't find it triggering which I was surprised about I just found it an amazing and power ful book but since I have finished her words have utterly absorbed me in some way and I dunno if its triggered I dunno what it is but maybe it is but my mind is obsessing over that whole topic I guess. For some reason I went on some old fitness pal account from about a year and a half ago in which I was normal then but I apparently weighed 16 pounds lighter than I currently weigh which has totally freaked me out -wow the freshers 15 happened to me and more. It's going to 've to okay though I know I look better as I am now though even though I wasn't even unhealthy then it's going to 've okay. want to be healthy and I think I am going to have to cut out gluten or atleast bread and maybe all lactose because I feel so unhealthy. I am going to be so healthy and productive at uni and be tidy and not loose anything and keep ecerythjng balanced . My mind focused and enriched with lots of knowledge. This really is a ramble that I should keep in a diary instssd I am going to get a diary too. These are real promises to myself not some bullshit I dont do. I hope this isn't any beginning of a down fall because I dunno it's hard to keep it together I need a crutch or two. I need to stop getting drunk and thinking I am great for not doing drugs because it's not that different duh. I have thought about self harming lots recently and I am not sure why as its not something I usually think about I associate it with teenage angst and I dunno why I am now but I can't even sleep when the thoughts come ? I haven't though .I have been that silent quiet creeping lazy lying in your bed depressed for so long, but I feel like I might explode and end up depressed in a messy angry outward kind of way . I keep having all these intense thoughts and thinking I dont want to do this to my family though again and again and again about so many things. and I am so grateful for everything I have had and everything they have given me. I want to 've okay for them but some part of me keeps wanting to go 'say bye to mummy and daddy now you have done all you can to be brave and strong for them-you cannot appear okay and be okay for them forever-let yourself fill this space with your suffering if that's what you have to do. let yourself just crawl into the comfort of any cave that seems inviting becsuse sometimes you have to and maybe in the end you will heal faster' oh my god I sound so cliche and embarrassing. But I am sorry to everyone I dunno what I am sorry about I just wish there was a way I could feel normal because I feel so guilty and I have done a good job an amazing job convincing my family there Is not much to worry about anymore. Everyone seems a little betterer and I have tried to improve my relationships with them all and hold everything together. I can be out their way soon and I dunno I just want to be on my own now because I can't keep this brave face. I will not 've selfish I will be okay I will be okay.

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i dunno everything feels pretty bad right now in a way but also good too because i have had some amazing times recently but i can’t shake the feeling everything is about to crumble down? i dunno i feel on the state of collapse but i always get that feeling and then i go on and survive and end up fine so its probably me being melodramatic again. i guess my mind is weak or something and as soon as something feels a mild struggle i make all the fuss. i am so physically exhausted per usual but for some reason i find a small amount and i mean only a pint or two really helps? like i am still tired but some how ti feels less bad then and i am trying not keep doing it but it feels like the most effective way to distance myself from the difficulty of everything? i don't intend to get properly drunk and it doesn’t even feel unhealthy? like i don't feel like i am using it mask things just stand distance from things and look at them more objectively? i think? like everything that i think is wrong or whatever i can now place to the side in a mindful sort of way rather than carrying burdens? i dunno what to say but i think i am learning to swallow all my problems, troubles and fears inside and get the fuck on. stop going around saying ‘help me help me!’ to someone. i just hope it doesn’t end bad in the end. because i think i am starting to feel like fraud even to myself and i am having another embarrassing identity crisis at the bloody age of 21 when i don’t even know how i feel or what's real. i don’t know. how useful ever is it to start talking about all this because over thinking seems to always make it worse? i dunno take day by day and i get on with things and stop ruminating because it only makes you miserable i think.

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i wish i posted this in any kind consistent way because its just random when occasionally put somehting in it. but yeah feeling really upset and fed up with how my supposed ‘girlfriend’ thinks its okay to go on about fancying someone else? yes i know we were in an open relationship in the past but a lot of it was really not okay on my part really but i like pretend it was to hide the shame for how stupid i feel for letting someone treat me like this... i have watching her flirt with other peopler so many times and just ignored it when i am clearly not comfortable? well much worse than that... much much worse... but i don’t even want to go there. the one time i did something with someone else she was so angry and i just thought maybe that would give her some empathy into how it hurts me? i know she has lots of problems with boys and sex and stuff she cannot help that to an extent but its like she cannot see how weird and hurtful it is at all? like its normal to fancy someone and i wouldn’t be surprised flirting with them behind my back and not expect that to make me feel used, disposable and unlovable every single time? she can say a million times in no way does it invalidate her love for me rrarara and in many ways i can agree with that thinking at times? but part of love is putting that person first and she always puts random boys and their dicks first lol. and i used to convince myself it was okay and she only fancied people in a really shallow way and fucked them with no intimacy but she admitted that isn’t even true? she feels real things for others and how can she do that if she loves me? yeah you can’t help fancying someone else a little in relationship but you put it to that back of your head and  in no way want to pursue it because you are committed to that person? that person comes first always? if i even think of other people i think of her and feel guilt consumed because despite her hurting me i really cannot bare hurting her. i dunno what is not her fault and the result of trauma/mental illness and what is her just being selfish? how much does she really love me? i have said i want us to be committed and I am no longer comfortable with it but does it just go over her head?

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having a realisation AGAIN that when i cant get hold of her is when i feel worst about everything because suddenly it becomes more real? i dunno i can’t explain. an d also when she is happy and being nice i am so happy about it but also i feel like then is when the guilt about how horrible I have been and all the things i have done sinks in so much more and i cant stand it. im so so so scared something bad going to happen now i need to get hold of her.

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ugh i was trying to stay positive and write u some kind of post about the holiday but i cannot be bothered. i dunno i just feel so low today and i keep crying? it feels like every single thing in my ife that is objectively bad i can no longer be in denial about and i keep having nightmares about? my friend on holiday wasn’t eating properly and admitted to starting purging and i am pretty worried and i am also at the same time just like fuck off one because i am just plain selfish and want no one else with problems in my life around me but also fuck off because its triggering. i mean i dunno i hate using words like ‘triggering’ because i never had a ‘proper’ ed i dunno like it wasn’t that bad but like i dunno at the moment i feel so gross. i want to say to her please stop now becuase it wasn’t ‘that bad’ for me yet even now it feels like it can take over every bit of my life and i am so fed up. i went in the sea and had bare legs out for the first time in about 7/8 years and pushed myself to the absolute limit which i thought would help but i don’t think it has i think its made me feel so so much worse. i have been crying lots and lots because of some gross picture of me looking more fat than i ever ever ever even realised i was on facebook and so ugly and i just cannot cope. i am so fed up of not being normal looking and also its petty but loosing all my fucking stuff all the time and still not fully trusting certain people haven’t stolen it. i have been having such intensely bad nightmares and i don’t know anymore i don’t fucking know. my girlfriend got upset because when i was very drunk i started going on about something about how evil men are and she got upset because i don’t fully understand. i know its true the horrible things didn’t happen to me but i still have realised how horrible they are. i just don’t know how to forgive myself for things that have happened and the things i have done and the fact I am selfish enough to be alive and think its okay to make a life for myself after all this. sometimes i cannot believe i am not dead and i wish it was easier to be dead  i really do.

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i want this holiday to be perfect and until now i have remained calm but suddenly the whole thought of it is making me so so triggered??? i bought a swimming costume for some insane reason?? and obviously its less than flattering i cant even have my legs out for god sakes and the thought of being by  beach is so stressful. not mention just generally how fat and ugly i am and how everyone else on a holiday looks their best of course. last time i went on a proper holiday i was completely submerged in my ed and ive suddenly realised how hard this is going to be? to be so naked AND eat and see other naked peoples bodies everywhere. i wanted to so bad for everything to be okay but i dunno? having the strongest urges in the world to loose weight for the first time in ages and I am currently trying not to purge my dinner. i just wish i wasn’t so fucking ugly at least also im so sick of seeing so many beautiful girls and then there is me. objectively and relentlessly flawed in every single way. i wanted to take photos this holiday and feel like a normal person but nope sorry.

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so i haven't written on this personal blog in months and months mainly because i have felt pretty happy for ages really which is AMAZING but also i am too tired to articulate. so how do i feel? well i think me and my girlfriend have properly split up this time for good and i am unsure how i feel at this stage? i dunno its just so hard because shes still my best friend in the entire world really and i can’t loose that and i do think we can stay friends eventually but i think we also need some distance to make things more healthy or whatever? everything is changing so much in my life at the moment i dont know how to feel but growing up so much too which is good. i dont want another real relationship for a long time but i would like something causal? with a male preferably? but oh yeah i am far too ugly, have no confidence stupid and am apparently bland/unmemorable/etc as fuck...

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sat not being able to sleep again with the worst headache trying to trick myself in to thinking everythings is fine and nothing that has ever happened happened. i don’t really know what to do at this point.

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fucking sick of men hurting people because they can’t actually control themselves like animals- genuinely starting to think there is no man out there that doesn’t have the potential to do that shit-the only ones who dont are ones who can get people to do things consensually anyway because they are ‘alpha’ enough or ones that are pathetic whimps so instead send you messages telling you how gross they are like that is acceptable just because they are a ‘virgin’.-can we either exterminate them or remove whatever gross hormone makes them so controlled by their fucking gonads i swear to fucking god i am going to be sick.

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i dunno anymore. i am just so fucking tired of it all and i have no idea what to do with myself. i have no idea what to do or how to cope. all i can think to do is sleep but i so want something else to help me cope.. i guess i need to get hold of some weed because that would better than alchohol... fuck i just need human contact maybe? maybe a hug and someone to tell me it will be okay? the only person i have in my life is a slipping relationship in many ways and i know we love eachother a lot but they can’t exactly reassure me of much when struggling themselves... i dunno maybe i am physically ill again or maybe i am mixing it up.. maybe i am a hypochondriac. i dunno just someone make it okay? maybe i should actually take my meds though.

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wow i don’t know what to do anymore. i just have such a strong urge to have some kind of fucking drugs but i don’t have a fucking penny/any dealers numbers anyway. i dunnno what is wrong with me but i feel so empty and i guess bored or you could say is depressed but not that intensely so-just i would rather be on drugs even though i don’t think i like being on drugs that much just so I feel have more of an excuse that i am doing nothing with my time and secondly when i am doing nothing it is less of a dull empty experience. i dunno i have always thought yeah i have taken drugs a bit but i will never be someone that would go out my way for them-but right now i feel like i would do quite a lot of bad things just to feel out of my head-i just want to be out of my head is that okay sometimes? not with others just happily alone racking up lines and sinking into oblivion-well not really oblivion just altered sensations and perceptions. funny whenever i am ‘there’ is always me thinking ‘why am i doing this i want to get back to normal life’ neither side is even satisfied- the sober me or the fucked me. i dunno i wish my girlfriend would ever fucking talk to me-but i am scared if she carries on drugs i will as well and i don’t care if we were separately but if it got bad together i could never forgive myself/would worry the only way to be clean would be seperation-why am i talking about all this hypothetical bullshit??? I JUST WANT TO BE FAR GONE OUT OF MY HEAD IN A BIG BOOM OF GENERAL FUCKERY RIGH|T NOW. please ?

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dunno how to feel. overwhelmed by everything. instead of revising in my room today i have spent most of the day binging/purging and feeling numb and weird and nostalgic. i dunno why this house triggers me so much but i feel like i am back stuck to my lonely teenager self with no comfort besides feelings of full and warm slushings out of my mouth. ew. i dont know whats happening to me untill the past few weeks I had honestly hardly even purged in months and everyday it was just ritual to get up and eat meals and do it all right. but i think i am actually stuggling/maybe its being back though? i was resticting a  little and i guess more so and stupid drugs meant i had days where i just forgot food and now im just s triggered to loose all the weight i gained. when i am with my girlfriend i feel motivated to eat normally again- hunt for something to eat in town and feel normal again. but the last few days i will do that within the same day i am also binging and purging on other meals so whats the point in that? whats the point? i know i have gained weight if anything i am so fucking bloadted and gross. still having to purge with my hands with certain foods, others coming out more easily-but i still feel so full and i can’t help shaking the feeling i havent got hardly anything out-at the same time i am not sure if i care-its just the process and the achy euphoria even if i gain loads of weight i dont care. i dont know. i don’t think there is anything actually wrong with me i just get left on my own and end up doing strange things to pass the time. i cant go out the house i look such a mess like the real puffy red eyes look and I am trying to avoid my stepmum incase she can tell. i cant deal with this i am so embarrassed. what if everyone started making a fuss again and it would be over nothing because this is just a tempory phrase because i am so stressed? i might try mediate or something to calm down. i really wanna do some form of excercise to calm me down in a healthy way-but would it be in a healthy way? i defiantly have not got it all out i am sure i need to excercise. this is defiantly the most triggering thing i have ever wrote on here i don’t think anyone should see this. i don’t want to fuck things up. i want to do well at university and i want to have a good summer and i don’t want my girlfriend to get worse and her to end up dying because of me. this is going to sound really weird but is there a distinct kind of cry people crying over their ‘eds’ or ‘fatness’ get? like this whiney trantrumy wahhhh wahhh aren’t i pathetic over this unimportant problem cry? i can’t explain but i have it now and i have seen other people with it and i hate it hate it hate it hate it so much i fucking hate all those pathetic girls in their rooms crying over food GET OVER YOURSELVES. ugh ffs. 

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i dont know what to say or how to survive. im so worried about her like never before i cant stop crying everytime i see and feel her little face all cracked and just so fucking hurt. so many people love her when the meet her they know she is something really important and would go so far if she could flourish in the right places-even she knows knows that really-shes just a fucking baby shes just a fucking baby and why did noone protect her? why did i never protect her properly? even now. im so angry. i just hope she is okay out there somewhere and knows somehow how much i love her I LOVE HER you just scare me so much baby when you ae so focued on all those things to take the  hurt for second. i sit there and say ‘stop stop stop’ but that is inside me too but seeing you alwways makes me want to backtract and focus-i binged and purged for the first time in aweeks (okay about a week) tonight because being at my dads doesnt bring the best feelings anyway and also got drunk alone again- i want to press some kind of big self descruit button too- i want to drink drink drink snort up all the drugs and fuck fuck fuck everyone- but will i baby? i have no idea. i just wish you were here and when yuou here it wasnt always distanced half away on your next desstructive mission- i want all of you the bad and good and hurting.

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ugh u dunno i hope everything is going to be okay and maybe it is? i think a lot of things have just blown this ouut proportion by the stupid police. humans are so so resilient and music is so powerful and why do humans endure this thing called life with such hope still? i dunno RISE UP i will SURVIVE and all that empowering shit sort of but not really i don’t know if i want to survive or not though? no one gave me the maps to reality. life is an actual maze being dragged through blindfolded what the fuck is this shit?

i dunno i am sort of jealous she gets people sending her nice messages i wish someone would sometimes do that for me but no one ever has-i wish i had a vague support system even if it was some random people on the internet just to say yeah it is going to be okay and they get it and i dunno- but i am glad people care about her too.

i dunno i love her why is love not enough? i dunno what to do haha.

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wtf this is not real... talk about bath being the ‘safest’ city in the country or something. slightest bit of trouble and police come running... wtf. i really hope she is okay i can’t believe this is real.