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Zhahira, 18, female, Philadelphia ~ if I like your music, I'll support it.

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psst.

you there.

returnofnoor.tumblr.com

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to be honest, I have no idea how long I'll keep this thing running. I'll probably just abandon it. I'll see.

A confession: I've been agnostic for years now, but I'm starting to think there really is no god. Along with that, I still like the idea of heaven, and kinda hope it or something like it exists. Fucked up? Yeah, sure. Everything's fucked up. I can't think of the future at this point without getting really frightened.

I'm afraid of everything these days. Just thinking. I'm afraid of the fucking dark and being alone. I can't remember a time when this has happened before the end of Feb./beginning of March and that Sunday I want to erase from my memory.

I want to wake up with hope and have the feeling that everything will be alright more often.

Today would have been his 21st birthday.

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I feel really lonely.

Fuck.

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you silly boy. You handsome angel.

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those last lines in particular. I thought of them today.

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these days I'm spacing out every few minutes and my stomach keeps getting upset. But I'm fine. I'll be fine.

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my anxiety is up and I'm confused. The funeral is tomorrow. I need to breathe.

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Snoopy is on point.

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of course, there's this one too.

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I blasted this for you. Could you hear it?

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if he appears in another dream, it'll probably make me sad, but...it would be better than the usual stupid dreams I've been having.

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I hate this so much.

I keep going through different thoughts and feelings, wanting to die one moment, and then wanting to live my life to the fullest the next, and it keeps switching over and over in my head.

Right now all I know is that I hate my life, and I really need it to change. I've known this. If it doesn't, it'll probably just drive me insane. This ridiculous incident had driven me deeper into depression, and I'm sick of it. So sick of it. I wish it would leave. Just vanish already so I can properly start a life.

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lit candle + listening to Nick Cave + vodka

fuck it.

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it breaks my heart to know I lost a shoegazer friend, one of the only people I knew that understood this music as much as I did.

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I hope Rowland's there too.

(Yes, I know how pathetic I am now..)

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trying not to cry, heh.