Some brutal truth, for myself.
I gotta be honest.
I’m going to be brutally honest with myself.
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During the early times of the quarantine due to COVID-19, I remember I was being highly motivated and functioning. I think it was because I was very tired of my daily activity, especially the ones I do in college. Also, I did not expect that COVID-19 would be this long. “This is my ultimate break.” I thought. So I functioned very well, I joined some trainings, I wrote a lot of motivation letter and got accepted a lot too. And yeah, suddenly life wasn’t as cruel as the COVID-19 rage outside the house. I develop a whole new (not-so called) routine and never really got bored because, well just because. I think it was because nobody sees me and I don’t need to strive hard seeking validation from others. And I also achieved everything with ease.
Probably has some idea how this is all goes wrong?
I (I mean, we all) practiced my Ramadan during quarantine. And as usual Ramadans, I achieved my Ramadan target with no significant difficulty. And then things started go wrong when I started leaving my Ramadan habits.
Strangely, I still felt like I’m on top of the world because I still have a lot of tasks, works, and activities ongoing. I abandoned those things I need to do to attained peaceful and mindfulness. But now I feel like Allah has given me a little pinch to open my eyes.
One tap, and BAM. All the vulnerabilities are there. And I. Have. To. Face. Them. All.
I was very stressful because I had to let go the thing that I thought would bring me an ultimate satisfaction towards my life. I was cocky. I had to go on a consultation with a psychologist. And I think that everything she said was what Allah wanted to tell me this time. But I was blinded. She said, “what is it with you and being a center spotlight when you know that is not what you want, not what you’re capable of?” Well as you can predict from previous questions, I was really craving for attention from others despite knowing the fact that at the end of the day, I will only be alone inside my grave. So the psychologist told me that I was also abandoning myself. Not listening to what it needs, only listening to what i (think) people would be pleased with. Furthermore, I also ain’t listening to what Allah would be pleased with.
Being distant from Him, I really feel like I am in an endless wheel of tiredness and not feeling enough. And whenever I feel like I am not enough I will try to take one or two workloads. And then I feel like all the things I do are tiring and pointless, like I don’t gain anything despite the soreness. But when I look at my friends, I’d still feel like I’m never gonna be good enough. And this cycle will go all over again.
So here’s the truth you need to look with your very two eyes, @/Ms.Shofia,
1. You should not abandon your soul just because you think it is not enough for others. You have to IMPLANT it inside your mind that inner peace comes when you are thoughtful of what Allah likes and what your soul need. It is known that God will never change someone’s condition unless they change what is in themselves. The question, is the change enough to please Allah that He will guide us towards the changing process?
2. You SHOULD never be cocky about what you have because you believe that in one blink you can lose everything. And then what will be remaining? Nothing. Just you. And if you’re lucky enough you will also find Allah. But what if you don’t?
3. The truth is, during these times, people is really focused on themselves. Yes, they may need someone to look up to as an inspiration but that does not mean you have to be one. Yes, we have to be beneficial as it is the best quality in a human. But also remember that you have Allah to also please and yourself to nurture.
You have your own role Shof, maybe not to be publicly known as your oldman. But in other way. Because there is just no one that gives what you give to this world.
So yeah, last week I had a little reunion with my stars: Teh Juan, Rafa, Ajung, Lala, Fasya, Andin, and Spika. I was refreshed and reminded that a good routine does involve Allah inside it. I was forced to do all the things that I’ve abandoned. But somehow, deep down, I know that I need it badly. I keep on seeking people’s appreciation and validation, forgetting that His appreciation and validation is the one thing I need to reach fulfillment in life.
Dedicated for: Penakluk
