Blackout System

Body is 20 | Collectively fine with They/Them | Call us Astra

[blackoutsys]

☽ ✦ Welcome ✦ ☾

Helloo. We're the Blackout System.

☉ You may call us Astra

☉ Collectively we use They/Them pronouns.

☉ Bodily 20

☉ Black, AuDHD

☉ Generally we identify with Alterhumanity, though some of us may not.

☉ We're fine with interacting with others, and accept DMs and Asks about things. However, if you are under 16-17, we will likely block you if you attempt to befriend us, interacting with anyone below that makes us very uncomfortable. Otherwise we don't care if you interact with our posts, and it's a 50/50 on if we block you from following.

BYF...

✦ We don't participate in syscourse. We're not here to get into arguments, and would rather just share our own experiences.

✦ We don't follow back/like posts. This blog is a sideblog to our main, which we'd like to keep mostly private. We'll occasionally reblog posts here, however.

✦ We liberally use our block button. Most of the time it's not because someone did something "problematic", and is generally just us not vibing with their energy or thinking someone is generally unpleasant. Though we do block people who are genuinely problematic, we're just not gonna say shit about it here lmao.

✦ We may use terms we've coined ourselves to describe our own system online.

✦ We will not share our headmates if they're not the one posting. Do not ask, you won't receive a headcount nor names. All names are replaced with an emoji and a letter, at most, if they feel like signing off.

✦ Do not ask for our Simply Plural/Octocon, or any other social medias.

✦ We are pre-diagnosis, if that is an issue for you. While we're not seeking to get it on our medical records, we are also in the beginning stages of working with a trauma specialist to hopefully get a second opinion. This also might not be possible for many years as we live in an incredibly conservative state with few mental health opportunities.

INTERESTS AND HOBBIES...

☄ HOBBIES ☄

Digital Art, Animation, Webdev [HTML/CSS/Javascript], Gamedev [Godot], Embroidery/Sewing, Music Transcription, Tarot

☄ GAMES ☄

Secret Histories [Cultist Simulator/Book Of Hours/The Lady Afterwards], Who's Lila, Warframe, FFXIV, Fields of Mistria, Risk of Rain 2, Splatoon 3, Hollow Knight, Rain World, VTM: Bloodhunt, Valheim, Terraria, Minecraft, Don't Starve Together, Dr. Robotnik's Ring Racers

☄ DIGITAL MEDIA ☄

Chainmail Chasers, Vita Carnis, Midwest Angelica, Interloper ARG, Emesis Blue

☄ MOVIES/SHOWS ☄

Arcane [Only seen 1st season], The Owl House, Spiderverse, Delicious In Dungeon, Frieren, The Apothecary Diaries

☄ BOOKS ☄

Blood Debts/Blood Justice, The Poisons We Drink

[blackoutsys]

actually the worst part of being mentally ill and undiagnosed for possibly more things is the

i need help and i need someone to talk to

but no one will understand the issue im having because its too specific and far divorced from someone with more tame mental health issues

and its too intense for me to talk about it with a friend

i need to go to a therapist but scheduling

i need to go to a psych to get diagnosed but theyre expensive and scheduling issues are a constant

im hurting and im alone

[blackoutsys]

like what do you even do when you cant ask for help and can only curl up and cry

i cant burden my friends with my issues because they're too great. and i know we should rely on each other but theres a difference between regular grief and needing a shoulder to cry on vs feeling like you're constantly breaking further and further and something is so deeply wrong with you

[blackoutsys]

actually the worst part of being mentally ill and undiagnosed for possibly more things is the

i need help and i need someone to talk to

but no one will understand the issue im having because its too specific and far divorced from someone with more tame mental health issues

and its too intense for me to talk about it with a friend

i need to go to a therapist but scheduling

i need to go to a psych to get diagnosed but theyre expensive and scheduling issues are a constant

im hurting and im alone

[blackoutsys]

actually one of the worst parts about being largely undiagnosed for mental illnesses (or even being diagnosed but untreated if the symptoms/behaviours just end up being part of previous diagnoses]

is knowing that you have specific symptoms and realizing that if they add up enough and whoever youre seeing for a diagnosis decides they match such-and-such, traits you know arent the normal, you could possibly end up with a diagnosis thats so stigmatized that most everyone will treat you as a terrible monster if they were to learn of it

[blackoutsys]

okay after literally a few months short of a year i should FINALLY be getting to a psych

the email my therapist sent me got fucking eaten on my end so i never saw it but her recommendations were.... a place where they sucked at actually scheduling people even when they repeatedly called, and a place who didnt have any reviews newer than nearly a decade ago.. and both with extremely minimal websites i with a lack of information... and also out of town.

i am now on wait list for a new clinic and a new therapist, theyre in town and the clinic also has an in-house psych.

im both extremely scared but also somewhat relieved to finally be making progress on that end

ideally i'll actually be able to see if its a dissociative disorder that has alters present or if its one that isn't and its just a clusterfuck of other things. might take some time but at the very least ideally being able to manage some of the dissociative symptoms (because thats the one Super obvious thing i have) and get help there would be fantastic

[blackoutsys]

i love knowing enough to know that things are bad and shitty to do

and being able to stop myself from externalizing it but being unable to just make it stop in my head

better me than anyone else, ig

[blackoutsys]

theres really something about knowing im a shitty person, trying to change, and wanting to let people know im not good.

like. i dont feel anything. im numb and hollow. i can fake emotions if i need to which is so often

i dont like being pushed even if it's only through my perception that i am. i get easily irritated and annoyed and its obvious.

i dont actually like people. i can handle online friends and such but its harder to deal with people outside of that for me. i hate being around most people.

i hate it when i feel like i need to babysit or hold someones hand in anything. it makes me want to scream and i get far angrier than i should

i feel like i need one of those bite risk/aggressive dog patches at this point. despite wanting to get better and trying it never seems to improve and i just hurt everyone i know

this on top of having to fight my brain bc its projecting suicidal thoughts at m regardless of how much i tell it to stop. i dont have control and i feel like im breaking apart

[blackoutsys]

and i cant just ask people if they hate me and want me to stop interacting with them even if i feel thats what they want

both because its weird to ask that randomly. and im a fucking coward who doesn't want to be alone again that im willing to grip even the tiniest thread and ignore how i break

theres always the possibility of being wrong too

[blackoutsys]

theres really something about knowing im a shitty person, trying to change, and wanting to let people know im not good.

like. i dont feel anything. im numb and hollow. i can fake emotions if i need to which is so often

i dont like being pushed even if it's only through my perception that i am. i get easily irritated and annoyed and its obvious.

i dont actually like people. i can handle online friends and such but its harder to deal with people outside of that for me. i hate being around most people.

i hate it when i feel like i need to babysit or hold someones hand in anything. it makes me want to scream and i get far angrier than i should

i feel like i need one of those bite risk/aggressive dog patches at this point. despite wanting to get better and trying it never seems to improve and i just hurt everyone i know

this on top of having to fight my brain bc its projecting suicidal thoughts at m regardless of how much i tell it to stop. i dont have control and i feel like im breaking apart

[blackoutsys]

google how to put yourself back together again

[blackoutsys]

stuckmoth by deco*27 you are the only thing keeping me grounded rn

[blackoutsys]

google how to put yourself back together again

[blackoutsys]

chat why is being an adult so difficult

i nearly had a full ass meltdown trying to figure out stuff for insurance that the phys-therapy place wants me to do, because nothing makes sense and im not sure what any of this means

[blackoutsys]

gender is so fucking difficult

what do you mean even though im the current host and don't identify as transmasc, and we're not bodily transmasc either because we weren't able to medically transition

that i still feel a deep connection to the label yet no desire to transition

what do you mean i get a lot of gender envy from black femme characters but dont' like the thought of being called a woman, or man, or anything like that

[blackoutsys]

atp im highkey wondering if trying to get my life in order is even worth it

i live in a country actively sabotaging itself bc the president is a DUMBASS and i think we're just gonna get bombed at this point considering everything

and i cant afford to move out of the country nor would i likely be accepted due to disability. so i'll probably die here soon if the war that looks like its on the horizon happens

so maybe i should just try and make myself feel good in what. these last few months? if shit goes down badly. since thats how its looking.

[blackoutsys]

like i just spent 10$ on a mobile game, sonic forces speed battle. bc of a character i wanted

if im gonna die i might as well try and be happy before it happens.

[blackoutsys]

atp im highkey wondering if trying to get my life in order is even worth it

i live in a country actively sabotaging itself bc the president is a DUMBASS and i think we're just gonna get bombed at this point considering everything

and i cant afford to move out of the country nor would i likely be accepted due to disability. so i'll probably die here soon if the war that looks like its on the horizon happens

so maybe i should just try and make myself feel good in what. these last few months? if shit goes down badly. since thats how its looking.

[blackoutsys]

one of the funny things that comes from the intersection of being a system and then what's going on with our actual body is the complete gender fuckery

if we wanted to be more fem we'd start hrt and transition

if we wanted to be more masc we'd start hrt and transition

[blackoutsys]

chat how do i convey my annoyance with a friend who i think kinda sucks without being too mean...

[blackoutsys]

obligatory celebratory post that i'll be going to a psychiatrist Eventually for a psych eval