Lana

Baby Steps ♡ Posts are: Mental illness related, specifically BPD. PCOS Journey ♡

[ruinedchildhood]

[d-e-l-ete-d-deactivated20181014]

Hulk ghostwrote that tweet.

[blair-phoenix]

I Need To Be My Own Therapist.

I know shit seems sketchy, but I no longer have Medicaid and I can’t even afford sliding scale because of all my payment concerns.

I got better before just by following the guide of a book, moral support and utilizing the skills I learned from the book.

Today, I bought the “STRONGER THAN BPD” book and journal. I left Facebook (all the goddamn couples were triggering me, lol) and other forms of social media (minus Tumblr, obviously). I work nights two times a week and I’ve signed up for an intro to philosophy class (I later plan on doing intro to logic once I take ENG101).

I don’t know what it is about this guy, but I’m completely hung over him and I need to quit my addiction… or so, learn to cope without him. Yeah.

Let’s hope I can do this again.

[blair-phoenix]

Mod Laney . :c could use all the moral support to bounce back.

[blair-phoenix]

I Need To Be My Own Therapist.

I know shit seems sketchy, but I no longer have Medicaid and I can’t even afford sliding scale because of all my payment concerns.

I got better before just by following the guide of a book, moral support and utilizing the skills I learned from the book.

Today, I bought the “STRONGER THAN BPD” book and journal. I left Facebook (all the goddamn couples were triggering me, lol) and other forms of social media (minus Tumblr, obviously). I work nights two times a week and I’ve signed up for an intro to philosophy class (I later plan on doing intro to logic once I take ENG101).

I don’t know what it is about this guy, but I’m completely hung over him and I need to quit my addiction... or so, learn to cope without him. Yeah.

Let’s hope I can do this again.

[metamayou]

Adam Driver …… I’m Just Addicted !!!!! (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ

[a-calmer-vibe]

“I’m sorry that I’m here again,

I promise I’ll get help,

It wasn’t my intention,

I’m sorry to myself.”

- sober by demi lovato

[quotemadness]

“Please, I want so badly for the good things to happen.”

— Sylvia Plath

[quotemadness]

“I think I’m in love with missing you more than I’m in love with you.”

— Sylvia Plath

[goodreadss]

“I am jealous of those who think more deeply, who write better, who draw better, who look better, who live better, who love better than I.”

— Sylvia Plath

[violentwavesofemotion-deactivat]

“I know I’ll always think of you with something like hurt and nostalgia—”

— Sylvia Plath, from a letter to Ann Davidow-Goodman written c. March 1950

[liquidlightandrunningtrees]

“I wait and ache. I think I am healing.”

— Sylvia Plath, Three Women

[blair-phoenix]

Lovely - Billie Eilisch

Scene I picture

“Video turns to her feet where she’s in ballet shoes and they are clearly torn and ragged... you can see an exposed part of her heel where she has a cut and a blister and she’s obviously dragging her feet along and she’s carrying a baggage of some sort (which can be coal in the bag) clinging to it with two arms as she continues to drag her feet forward and she attempts to dance as she continues to move forward to the other side where you can see a ray of sunlight and fresh green grass.

Note: Her current surroundings as she trudges forward are dead grass and weaves on the floor with bundles of sharp small sticks here and there (hence the cuts) She appears to be in a forest of some sort

Meanwhile Khalid is on the other side (the side she’s attempting to get to) but Khalid is clearly oblivious of his surroundings. He’s walking towards that other side and the closer he gets to the other side the more you begin to see his facial expression to change, the further apart he becomes from everyone he was near in the beginning and the blurrier he gets

And then then once they both hit the end of the song “Welcome Home” she breaks free of her mental anguish while he ends up right where she once was.

Thus, representing both sides of the coin that is mental illness.

[blair-phoenix]

Dear Universe

I am so sorry to have done it again. I can understand if this time you choose not to give me a sign. I thought I was getting better but I’m beginning to think I never really healed at all. I just simply repressed the parts of me I want to so badly deny.

Its not fair of me to expect help from you when I fail to put in the effort to sustain myself...

[blair-phoenix]

So done

[blair-phoenix]

Seeing The Grey...

Welp, had my intake appointment and my therapy session on the same day.

Both were very impressed with all the progress I made on my own. They referred to me as insightful and logical. 

This therapy session is just what I needed to be able to move forward and it was a reflection of how far I have come and how much I have left to look forward to.

Looking back, I’m also beginning to see just how chaotic my thought process was. It hurts to look back and see all the wrong I have done, but I know it hurts more to stay in that train of thought. 

I still feel for him. I still think of him and sometimes I get sad, but I have accepted that him and I were meant to meet, but not because we were it for eachother. I needed a kick in the butt and this was it.

I’ve been using Reddit a lot. Been making a ton of friends on there (some who live in my area!) and started chatting with a real smart guy but he knows I’m not in for a relationship any time soon.

I’m for sure failing my Statistics class, but that is ok because I can still graduate in the summer! Or May even! 

I’m nervous to start my new job, but I am going to do my best this time around. This will be a clean slate. I decided I am going to enter medical assistant program and I will like to become a Math tutor! I’m finally gaining some clear goals and a sense of self. 

I write to you because I know people say that people like us cant get better because we are monsters. Well, I say...to hell with them! Cause I’m doing it. Others are doing it and many before us have done it as well.

Recovery does not mean that life gets better and you never struggle again or feel an ounce of sadness. Recovery means you are okay enough to know that life is hard but you are stronger than the demons trying to keep you down. 

[bpd-hippo]

Testing Your Thoughts

What is the situation?

What am I thinking or imagining?

How much do I believe it? a little / medium / a lot

How does that make me feel?  mad /sad /nervous /other:

How strong is the feeling? a  little strong  / medium / very strong

What makes me think the thought is true?

What makes me think the thought is not true or not completely true?

What’s another way to look at this?

What’s the worst that could happen? Will I still live through it?

What will probably happen?

What will happen if I keep telling myself the same thought?

What could happen if I changed my thinking?

What would I tell my friend __ if this happened to them?

What should I do now?

How much do I believe the negative thought? a little / medium / a lot

How strong is my negative feeling? a little strong / medium / very strong

[amargedom]

Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand…

Sylvia Plath (via amargedom)

[blair-phoenix]

As a child, I remember being obsessed with crime tv shows and serial killer/mystery movies. I wanted to be FBI or a Forensic Psychologist. Above all though, I wanted to be a Forensic Scientist.

I wanted to be strong, powerful, insightful and intelligent.

I always thought I'd suck ass when it came to science and math, but now I'm actually really good with numbers. I love science.

And if I'm being honest, only two things keeping me going? Math and Music.

I'm going to learn several forms of martial arts. I'm going to master several languages. I'm going to master Math and I'm going to live. Come night, I'll be a mess but I'll survive. I've been doing it on my own for some time now anyway. I'm stronger than I sometimes think.