I know that saying it’s been quite some time would be an understatement. It’s been years, and I have little to say except that sometimes when it rains, it pours. And pours.
As some might remember, I slowly started to fall ill a few years ago while still attempting to update semi-regularly. At that point, the periods between my updates had started to stretch out more and more. Suddenly, I started to lose loved ones in a way that trapped me in a cycle of grief that I would attempt to come out of by getting back to writing, only to be set back by losing someone else. At the time I would do my best to return and announce my comeback and regular updates, because I truly did believe that I would be able to.
Then things took a sharp turn for the worse and I fell incredibly ill. It felt like overnight I went from trying my best to emerge from this cycle of grief and a full recovery, to my health falling off a cliff. I was nearly finished Entanglement, and gearing up to start writing another fic while simultaneously working on ACMI. Instead, my life became a revolving door of being in the hospital, recovering from surgery, or dealing with losing my ability to walk.
All of this is to say I really and truly did mean — and still mean — every word I said when I continually reassured everyone that I wouldn’t be abandoning my fics.
Being as ill as I have been took so much more from me than just my physical ability to write, but has been mentally draining in ways that are beyond words to express. Even doing something as simple as logging into my socials or checking my email became daunting and anxiety-inducing because of the weight of unanswered messages and facing the amount of disappointment in my inboxes felt too heavy to face. There’s a deep level of pain that’s difficult to describe when you can’t even engage in something that used to be an outlet of therapeutic release from the stress of everyday life and brought you so much joy. Soon enough, all I could manage to log in to was Discord, because it became a small sanctuary where I could still connect with readers on a much smaller level until I couldn’t manage even that for months upon months at a time.
And on that front, I have so many apologies to give to everyone that sent me such lovely, supportive messages over the years. It was deeply unfair of me to be as silent as I was, and I know that many of the angry and confused messages I received were earned. Still, this message is as long as it has gotten because I want to be as honest and sincere as I can. After all this time, this message is definitely not enough. Regardless, I want you all to know that I remain firm on the statements I’ve said for years — my fics have not been, and will never be abandoned.
I would love to say that I’m fully recovered and that I’m getting back to posting immediately, but unfortunately it isn’t the case. Sometimes people do get better over time, and sometimes they don’t. And other times, the light at the end of the tunnel is dim, but it is still there. I’d like to believe that I fall into this category. To those who are still reading this and are well, cherish your ability to walk, to talk, to move your arms and every other body part, to spend time with your loved ones, to be able to think clearly and optimistically about life because you have health. To those who struggle with their health, whether your struggles are indefinite or if you are in recovery like me, my heart goes out to you — I truly hope you are able to see past the pain and enjoy the things in life that bring you joy, no matter how small.
I don’t have a broad answer on all of my fics and how updates moving forward will go because of how uncertain my health is, despite how much I would like to. I’d always envisioned my comeback message as being accompanied with an announcement that a new chapter has been posted. Instead, all I can say for now is that Entanglement is the only fic that I’ll be able to update in the near future, and everything else is on hold for now. I will eventually have a more detailed and fic-specific update post, but I can’t say when that will come either.
And lastly, but most importantly — thank you to everyone who has been so kind. Readers who’ve left me lovely encouraging words, friends who’ve graciously welcomed me back with open arms and nothing but love after months or years of silence, to so many people that I can’t name everyone directly. Fandom is a safe haven for me, and you all are the biggest reason why.
