bleachme @bleachable - Tumblr Blog

smatter-deactivated20220909

Me high as fuck at 4 AM giving my daily report to my inner demons

alone to listen

idk, time after time I find myself alone. Either it is without a boyfriend or without a friend. I constantly feel alone in this world where no one gets me or cares enough to try. Why must I try to understand people around me, study the things that make them happy excited or even sad. But it seems like no one cares enough to notice me. Why is it that my friends find it easy to talk about themselves yet it doesn't come naturally to me. I am constantly fighting for appreciation or for someone to listen... and when I finally muster the courage to speak my mind I am standing alone with my company... alone to listen.

I feel locked in a glass box, observing life around me. But no one seems to notice, they avoid the contact and the sight of me. Maybe they truly cant see me... or maybe I have to make myself heard. But when I try i’m left alone listening to the echoes from within. My friends are the only ones I have in this world besides my family, yet I feel like they can never see me. Im here though; trying to get their attention. Trying to feed their happiness and their need for acceptance and love from the world. However, I feel lost and starved by the lack of love I receive from them. I wouldn’t be fare if I did not admit that I push people away naturally. I am not entirely sure why I do this, because I never see it coming. Some days I wake up and find myself alone. This is not the way I want to live. I want to have joy and hope and feel loved by others. I just don’t want it to always feel like a one sided game. I guess thats what a spouse is for. To be the person to be there when everyone else isn’t. But right now i don’t have this and all I need is someone to tell me how smart I am, that i’m important, i’m beautiful, i’m kind, i’m worth something, i’m cared for... It sounds like a lot to ask when I write it out.

...to make goals that are unreachable, a little closer

But nights like tonight I just wait around hoping that someone will check in on me, to make sure i’m still breathing. That i’m not curled up in a ball gasping for air as my sinuses close up from the pure exhaustion trying to keep from the tears rolling down my face. Don’t get me wrong i’m not as pathetic as I sound. I’m just tired of always being somewhere for someone but when I need only an ounce of comfort in this lonely world I am back in that glass box looking out, unnoticed by the world. Its a daunting idea to have in your head all your life, and its even scarier to be 21 and still having the weight of isolation follow you around like a terminal diagnosis. I just want to be free from this burden, yet I don’t want to put it on anyone let alone my friends... but thats my most fatal flaw I suppose. Not being able to lean on others. They say friends are people that are able to bare your burden and not brake... yet here I am baring it and trying not to crumple underneath. I don’t know how to ask for help, how to seek therapy, how to ask for someone to see my pain and help me through it.

In high school, writing about my sad days made long hours seem like seconds. It may not seem like much, but for me, this gave me time to reflect and ultimately helped me feel. If no one else was their to listen at least I was able to be their to listen to my thoughts. So here is to the start for 2018, may I feel less lost and alone, but free to love myself as mush as I give love to others

#2018 #my diary #diary #emotions