Memoirs of a misguided miscreant. @bleakgilliam - Tumblr Blog

Thinking of you

I haven’t been sleeping well lately

I think that every nigga in the world(we using that as a general term for all men, so yeah don’t feel like this isn’t about you too) is searching for something that they found in one woman in every other woman. It’s very nasty work but it’s true.

Sadness or rather I say regret? is a weird thing because you can be doing something as simple vibin on your commute and it sweeps your legs right out from under you like “nigga you thought huh?”

And now you just sitting there like “damn”

Damn.

There’s a scene towards the end of Mark Wahlberg’s “The Gambler” that has stood out to me since I first saw it in 2014, where Mark Wahlberg’s character goes to see a loan shark, played by John Goodman and ends up getting the best advice of his life.

I don’t want to spoil the movie, even though it’s been some years since it’s release (but you trippin if you haven’t seen it) but he teaches him about what he calls, “the position of fuck you” and hearing it again, something tells me, I need to be in that position. It’s not the kind of “fuck you” that you’re thinking of either, it’s the kind of “fuck you” where it’s like “nah, I’m good”, it just seems so powerful and straight up releasing to say that it might as well be the same as fucking your dream girl.

Being in a fuck you position ain’t about having money though, being in a fuck you position is knowing you don’t owe anyone shit. You could be assed out and making just enough to pay your bills, but if all you have to worry about are those bills, no bullshit ass debts, no bank looking for you to slip up and take what you worked so hard for, you are in a fuck you position. That’s what I feel like in some way the shit is about, backing yourself into a comfortable corner and telling anyone who tries to fuck with what you built up “fuck you”.

I don’t really know much about life. At almost 30, I can honestly tell you I don’t know shit.

The little I do know feels like it’s mostly common sense stuff, always save your game before turning off the system, drink some water, brush your teeth etc. One thing I can tell you as someone who has wasted a lot of time not doing things for various reasons is this: Whatever it is, do that shit.

Life isn’t short, yes, but it sure as hell don’t feel like it’s that long either, so make sure you’re able to say I was there, I did it, I tried. Make sure it’s you telling the story and not wishing you were there hearing it from someone else

Someone you love and you haven’t told them? Do that shit. Someone you haven’t spoken to but want to? Do that shit. You wanna act? You wanna sing? You wanna write a book? Do that shit.

I feel like I’m gonna spend most of my 30s playing catch up, so take it from me. If you haven’t done it? Go fucking do it. Even if you end up taking an L, just do it. Make your story worthwhile cause 20, 30 years from now, when you have people actually wanting to sit down and listen to you, you need to be able to tell them and yourself “I did that shit”

She always urged me to read, "it'll help your writings get better" she always mixed it in with some Dominican stuff I didn't understand. I wasn't hers and she sure as fuck wasn't mine, as a matter of fact I know her dude would try some shit if he ever found out, maybe that was the draw though. She was so fucking forbidden, like a peanut butter colored genie in a lamp that I was more than determined to rub. She was tough, she could be considered Amazonian if you wanna get historical with the shit. The kind of girl you made sure you said that shit you talked to other women under your breath because she might slap the black off you. She was one of those girls you knew she was always up under her daddy, the kind mothers always popped for being rough when company was over. I loved it though...her? She'd never let me say that to her. "Don't ruin it" she'd say, knowing we were doing something wrong, even if it never was something officially going on between us. She wasn't mine and I knew she would never be, but fuck if I didn't own that role, I deserved the side nigga academy award. Never once did I question why she was so good at splitting time between her dude and me, I wasn't about to rock the boat. I wasn't about to go back to where she found me. She was an above average looking girl, far from ugly but always limiting herself. I know she came to me for the affection she wasn't getting from that other guy and I had handfuls of the shit to give her. So I reveled in it, the lunch time phone calls from her, the pictures of her face doing regular shit around her not so regular city, all of it. I couldn't go a day without it at some point. She put the battery in my back and all I could see was that. One day she didn't send me the same texts, there wasn't anymore "good morning Moreno" from her, it slowed to a trickle then a full stop. Me being me, you know I wasn't about that shit. No matter what I said though she was determined to be good to that nigga, so I had to let her, but not without a hearty "fuck you" from both ends.

#From 2015

Eazy.

What’s the easiest time I fell in love? I remember it like she was staring me in my face as I write this.

I always remember her voice, her hair and her skin first. She had one of those voices, it had it’s own tone, not too deep but JUST enough to soothe and vibrate your ears when you hear her talk to you and say your name. I remember her having this head full of big curls that just seemed to be darker than a dead phone screen, we always used to laugh cause she thought she was pale, and I’d sit there and try and describe to her all the foods I thought her tanned Dominican skin looked like....cinnamon and almonds came to mind first.

You know when women do that thing where they laugh and tell you to shut up, knowing they don’t actually want you to? Yeah, that. I found myself being a clown for her, just to hear that shit over and over again. I was hers, she called me her moreno, but she was never mine, and we know how that goes, don’t we?

Love is never easy.

#Just something light #No one reads this shit anymore

fromanotherroom

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Redbone playing from another room Childish Gambino

bryanjaymes-deactivated20170920

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bleakgilliam

Childish Gambino - Stand Tall

I still remember the first time I heard a lot of songs, mainly where I heard them or who put me onto them. There's always that rush of the cocktail of deja vu and nostalgia that comes with it. You could be in a Lyft on your way to wherever and still remember sitting in your mama's house listening to "Nostalgia, Ultra" for the first time cause that one girl you thought was cute kept going on and on about it. Yeah, of course I remember most of them were women, (cause who really gives a damn what your boys are listening to?) but it isn't always about the first time, it's about THAT time, THAT time where the scenery matched with the tempo, when the lyrics and beat matches your exact feelings for her at that point in time. Yeah, you remember that moment so well you actively avoid listening to that song, cause you know just because your memory takes you there, she's not gonna be there. The songs never get old though, they never go away, but I remember each and every one of you every time those songs play.

I wonder if she still loves "Below The Heavens"?

#Just making sure I still got it

stephenvanasco

I ain’t been myself lately.

If there’s one thing this year has taught me, is that I appreciate, rather I say love being black as hell. Everything great about me revolves around it.

I think the main issue is with people appreciating their blackness is that as soon as someone hears it, they think you’re anti whatever other race. Cliche as it sounds, me loving being blacker than an ace of spades don’t mean I hate anyone, that just means I love me more than anyone. (and if you know me, you know I do)

Yet, I(and subsequently every other black, latino, native american, etc) live in a country that somehow forgets that we built this shit. Crazy, right?