Everything Lovely @blessedaretheweak - Tumblr Blog

bpdcrybaby213

bpdgotmelike

how difficult it is to have been an adult as a child and now a child as an adult

srrydude

i drowned and no one noticed.

the view i had, wow.

it was breathtaking and secluded.

i only had to share it with you.

i either isolated myself away from those who knew me before you,

or i fooled those who had only known me with you and made them think this is how i had always been.

i made them think i had always been outspoken and brave,

social and charming.

i made them think we were just best friends.

and it worked for a time,

all of the lying and isolating.

i got to be with you,

by myself.

until i started drowning.

it was slow and somewhat peaceful.

i could feel the weight on my lungs and the water entering my ears but i didn’t care.

there were days when water escaped my eyes and i swore i would drown much sooner in the tears.

i didn’t.

i drowned at a slow and steady pace.

for a year,

everytime you would save me,

i would find myself in the ocean again.

sharks would swarm me and tease me, not that you ever noticed.

i began to stand on my tippy toes, just so i could get a breath of fresh air.

and that was okay with me,

because you were on land,

filling your lungs and flashing your beautiful green eyes-

i would never want to steal your air.

i never wanted anything from you.

i know that must be confusing for you.

you must think the worst of me now.

all i ever wanted was your love.

i loved you with every inch of my being.

i defended you with my heart and soul.

i would have done anything for you.

even if that meant drowning.

i just wish you would have noticed.

sickdelights-deactivated2023091

I'll forever wait for the day people stop saying that people with bpd are attention seekers. You literally have no idea what is it like for us to be in so much intense emotional pain and if you had, you'd know we can keep it all inside of us without imploding. We can seem dramatic, but we're just feeling a lot and acting accordingly.

bpdohwhatajoy

Catching feelings for anyone who gives you the slightest attention

shinyqueenmari

sickdelights-deactivated2023091

I love way too hard to always receive this little

m4nicpsych0

abandonment issues slayyyy

bunnieborderline

bpdohwhatajoy

Some notes and memories I wish you could erase from the mind. I compulsively delete things from my phone, erasing photos, contacts and messages, things I would like to forget. But even though they are erased or deleted, I can still feel them. Lingering in my subconscious. Waiting for me to see them again. And when I’ve deleted it all, a moment passes, where I’m alone, hurt and conflicted within myself. Why did I do that. Now I want to reach out to them and I can’t. What did I solve. But my memory’s selective capacity is infuriating. I can’t remember much before the age of 11-12. I can barely remember what the days looked like last week. Where I went. What I did. Who I saw. What I ate. But the fine details, the details I so badly want to forget. Are ever so present in my mind. Dancing infront of my eyes. Teasing me. Here I am. Right here. And I weep. I’m beside myself. I don’t want to feel this. I don’t want to care. I want to be left alone. I want to continue on the path I’ve created. Three years happily single. 17 months happily celibate. I’m okay. I’m on a journey toward self love right? I don’t need any outter force coming and fucking things up for me. Leave me alone. Don’t respond to my messages. Forget I exist. We have never met and you don’t know me. You don’t know what I want or who I am. Let me be alone in peace. I’m temporary. I’m not a forever person. I hold no value. I’m merely existing and our paths may cross. You may see me, but you won’t. I’m reduced to my appearance and my disabilities. I hold no value to further your growth. I am alone. I bite my nails. I eat too much. I drink more than I should. I yell at the ones I love the most. I act impulsively. I’m financially unstable. I lead with my emotions. I have a fear of public spaces and I dread interacting with strangers. I stress clean, stress eat, stress drink, stress work. My happy place is when I’m asleep. When I don’t exist at all. Where I’m not online, where I’m not communicating, where no one can find me. I’m stuck between realms and completely unreachable. You don’t know me. I am complex. I am high maintenance. I am needy and desire to be touched and loved and talked to and shown affection. And sometimes, I want to be left alone. I am alone. Alone in my head. Alone on my phone. Alone at work. Alone in this space. In this mentality. No one can understand me. I get far too attached. I care too much about those I shouldn’t. If you show me the slightest bit of affection, I will think that we are meant for each other. My views are twisted. And then again here I am. Eleven at night. Talking to myself as my own outlet. If I could disappear I would. If I knew my the ones I love most didn’t need me and I really don’t think they do. I will detach myself and leave now. I don’t exist to you. I’m not real. You will forget me like you’ve forgotten me before. I will get over this pain. And it will be okay.

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