blessy @blessy-joyce - Tumblr Blog

He likes to hear about my day, how I rant about random things, whether it be about politics or the family gathering that I recently attended to.

At night, I would sit at my desk, hit the "call" button and start talking. or i would lay at my bed, then we would talk over the phone until the we get tired.

now that he is not here with me anymore, I'm keeping a diary of things that I wanted to tell him if he is still here, so when he decides to come back, i could just hand it to him saying,

"so you wouldn't miss a thing."

i am afraid to find that the love i am always craving for is not the one made for me.

"for once, i want something to hold on to me.'

for me, that something must be of heavy weight, in essence and in nature. something that will hold me with its own weight, just so i could not run away. i am always a leaver, probably an anxious one, but definitely, i am a leaver. and people who had loved me could easily say that i am a leaver, that i was the one who left, that i run away when things get overwhelming.

i arrived in this coffee shop at 12 noon. i am supposed to be here at 6am, but i overslept. the reason for my coming here is to study for the whole day, and now i only have 4 hours to cram as i revise all the topics for my exams tomorrow. just 4 hours? not even a half-day, just four hours. not to mention, i am currently having a headache. i don't know the reason for it-- is it because overslept, or i took my daily caffeine intake later than i should, or i haven't wore my glasses for 6 months because i lost it while i was in a vacation last january and never had an appointment with an eye doctor since then, or because my last meal was at 9pm last night? i actually don't know, but all i know is that my four hours has been reduced to 3 hours and 55 minutes. it's hard to be an adult, when i don't really know about adult stuff. i'm 28 if you don't mind. the last time i was in a relationship was 2 years ago, a mutual break up. i went back to law school, had my first job and met new people at the age of 27. my childhood friend told me she missed me, my other childhood friend sent me an ig post telling that 'i should not be worried about finding the right man for me because the Higher Being already saved it for me" when i know the message was not for me, but actually for herself, i haven't been home for two weeks. i want to go home.

i only have 3 hours and 50 minutes now. bye. wish me luck!

eatpussypraylove

Okay but every time you deal with something hard on your own, even though you feel that initial pull of sadness that you can’t go to someone who used to be a source of comfort for you to share the burden, you are actually building internal strength and fortitude. So consider THAT this morning

blessy-joyce

awwwweeee!!! badly needed this reminder. 🥹

I’m tired of being sad and resentful.

I want to make avenge for myself by loving the people in my life harder and true. I think that’s the kind of revenge I’m always good at.

I think the most challenging thing about grieving a relationship is realizing that I’ve lost a person who once added value and significance to my life. It’s about not allowing my pain turn him into a bad person, because I am reminded that he once made me felt loved, seen and understood.

Sometimes, I think about how cruel life can be for making me once feel that the person I love was my enemy.

It’s unfair for the both of us. It’s unfair for the love that we once shared.

How I wish we’ve met each other later in life.

i missed myself, that person i was before i knew what heartbreak was.

lonergirlmonologue

"i wonder if we ever think of each other at the same time."

I think I am better now. The thought of you doesn’t weigh me down anymore. I don’t overthink things like I used to before and I am learning to let go of things gracefully and with peace.

BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I have already accepted that there will be days when I feel I have made progress, only to find myself weighed down by the thought of you and overthink things like I used to before. But the good news is I am now allowing myself to feel these emotions fully!

I think I have already created just enough internal space to admit that I still have to long for things that are no longer with me now, indefinitely!

I just know that this is just grief, and “what is grief if not love persevering?”

July 02, 2024. I’m trying not to go back.

unreadable

maybe people are telling me that what we had was not love.

but he was the first person who made me want to be better, he was the first person who called me out when my thoughts are drowning me, he was also the person who made me not feel ashamed for how big i could feel, he was the first person who studied me, who really understood me.

maybe it was not love, but he was the first person who told me that it is my brain that he loves most about me.

maybe it was not love, but Lord, he was the first person who showed me who i really am and what i am capable of.

my friends, he believed me more than i believed myself.

maybe it was not love, but for me, it was!

i think grieving is already an art i’ve learned.

i have finally knew how to hold grief, entertain it when it visits again, bid it goodbye when it wants to leave, and welcome it again when it wanted to be felt.

sometimes, i found myself talking to it, making it known and making it feel taken care of.

that grief was once love i held so dear.

and everytime it strikes me again, i found myself whispering the following words:

“grief was just a reminder that what i had was real. it was my ticket for loving. it was my prize that i once loved.”

Sometimes, I wonder why I long for you so eagerly when I am at the lowest of my emotions. The longingness to hear your voice and run to you and tell you all about the storms inside my head.

And I also wonder why you only remember me when you are at your highest. The eagerness to tell me about the things that you achieved and will achieve, that smile on your face when you showed me your trophy.

[why are we like this?]

Sometimes, I wonder why after all these months I still miss you and I still want to talk to you. Sometimes, the people in my life who know about our situation always tell me that I should be gotten over you by now.

They are actually right!

But you are a whole person I love, and there’s nothing wrong about me wishing you are still here. 🥹

If we ended up together, I’d probably cooking by now, or waiting for your arrival at the front door, or maybe I am washing the dishes while you are sitting in your desk pouring your soul over that research.

However, we didn’t end up together. So, here I am in this neighborhood café. My work just ended, I am eating my dinner and I still have some law classes to attend to.

Honestly, between those two alternate lives, nothing is better than the other. Each life is the life that I could just easily live. But I cannot help thinking what my life would be if you are still here. However, if you are still here, I will not be the kind of person I am now.

This is the present now. We’ve grown apart. This is for the better.

If we ended up together, our laughters would echo on the walls by now.

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