To myself, raised in an environment that glorified and romanticized restriction and suffering:
There is no victory in skipping dinner, or lunch, or breakfast, or morning coffee, or dessert.
There is no victory in refusing heaters and air conditioners and fans and heated blankets.
There is no victory in denying yourself sleep, or showers, or movement, or water, or a comfortable bed, or taking the elevator vs. the stairs.
There is no victory in refusing pain meds and heating pads and ice packs and medical help.
There is no victory in punishing yourself needlessly, in telling yourself that this pain you feel is because you are bad to the core and deserve it.
There is no victory in choking back your laughter and your tears, to keep an imagined equilibrium of safety that is really just a dry, cracked, empty, endless emotional desert.
You are here. You are in this body, and this body is yours. You deserve good things. You are alive, and that is messy and loud, and messy and loud are okay.
It’s okay to live abundantly. It’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to indulge. This paralysis of self-punishment, self-restriction, self-loathing is not healthy or good for you.
Hoodies. The whole thing had turned weird when all the hoodies started to show up.
But let’s go back to the beginning of you being the roommate of one of the infamous duos on campus - Michael Kaiser and Alexis Ness.
They hadn’t actively looked for a roommate. Might even have preferred someone playing in their league. But then you came along - all soft curves, shy smiles and they decided you were the perfect fit.
A part of you understood it. You were the calm to their chaos. The one who liked too cook and didn’t complain when they threw parties until five in the morning.
Well. Let’s get back to these hoodies which randomly showed up in the shared space. You could call it a collection at this point.
Michael Kaiser owned expensive clothes. Designer sneakers lined the hallway. Jackets that probably cost more than your monthly grocery bill hung neatly by the front door.
And yet every single oversized hoodie somehow ended up forgotten on the couch. Or draped over a dining chair. Or tossed over the armrest of your favorite spot.
“You forgot your hoodie again,” you’d call.
Kaiser barely looked up from his phone as he drawled lazily, “Did I?”
“You did.”
“Hm.”
“You want it back?” you’d ask as you pressed the hoodie to your chest.
“You can wear it,” his eyes had flickered to you - dark and unreadable.
Every time. And every time that hoodie ended up hugging your body.
Alexis Ness was even worse.
He’d wash his hoodies, fold them neatly and leave them on the chair in the kitchen where youd always sit and eat.
You’d blink and hold up the hoodie. “Alexis?”
“Oh.”
“You forgot it.”
“Did I?”
“You’ve done that three times this week.”
He’d smile softly and then a little cheeky. “You keep getting cold.”
“I have blankets.”
“I know.” he’d approach you and put the hoodie around your shoulders. “I still think the hoodie suits you better.”
You’d laugh, cheeks warming. “You’re both weird.”
No. They weren’t weird. They eased you into an obsession that grew in their hearts since the day you’ve moved in.
Living with the two most popular men on campus wasn’t nearly as glamorous as everyone imagined. People called them the campus gods. You called them fondly your idiots.
Mostly because they argued over whose turn it was to buy groceries for the week. You had offered to do that, but they had shut that down immediately.
However their status was… well, you didn’t know much about the whole hierarchy of the campus. But you knew Kaiser and Ness were on top of it.
Constantly new girls would leave the apartment after spending the night. Mostly coming from Kaiser while Ness couldn’t walk through the student union without someone asking him to tutor them or inviting him somewhere.
You were never invited.
“Big party tonight,” Kaiser announced one Friday, grabbing his keys.
You looked up from the couch. Heart pounding as your cheeks grew warm. “Oh?”
“You don’t like parties anyway.”
Now that wasn’t the truth.
“I mean…”
“You’d hate it,” Kaiser argued.
Ness had at least the decency to look guilty, because he knew you’d love to join them. For you it wasn’t even about getting drunk and hookup, but just the experience.
“They’re loud,” Ness said carefully. “People get shitfaced and puke everywhere.”
“I know,” you chewed your bottom lip. “You’re right. I’ll stay home.”
Both of them pretended they didn’t saw the way your smile became just a little smaller.
You’d stopped asking after the fourth party. At first you’d wondered if they simply assumed you weren’t interested. You were shy after all.
Then after months… well. It became harder not to think something else. Fuck, you weren’t blind, okay?
You knew you didn’t look like the girls constantly hanging around your apartment. They were all tiny dresses and perfect makeup and effortless confidence.
You were soft with round cheeks. Thick thighs that rubbed together when you walked and a tummy that made oversized hoodies your favorite thing in the world.
When you sat down on the couch the first thing you did was grabbing the little pillow to hide your tummy. Arms that you tugged under the blanket.
You weren’t unhappy with yourself every day. This would be bullshit. Your softness didn’t define your beauty.
But some days you caught your reflection and wondered if maybe your roommates worried what people would think.
Imagine being roommates with Michael Kaiser. The untouchable king, the number one on the college soccer team. Next to him Alexis Ness, more subtle, but not less powerful with his unhinged streak.
Then imagine introducing your chubby roommate to all his gorgeous friends.
Maybe they were embarrassed. They were definitely embarrassed, because you didn’t fit in their world.
The thought lodged itself somewhere deep inside you until it poisoned your mind. You hated it. You knew they owe you nothing, but you just wanted… to be a part of all of this. Even when they faked it.
God, it hurt so much.
But you pretended and smiled. At least for them.
One rainy afternoon you stood in front of the bathroom mirror wearing one of Kaiser’s hoodies. Despite your plushy body it swallowed you whole. The sleeves covered your hands and the hem brushed your thighs.
It smelt like him which was comforting as much as it pained you.
Still, you loved how safe oversized clothes felt. Loved how they let you exist without wondering if your shirt clung too tightly around your stomach.
“You alive?” Kaiser called through the door.
“Yeah.”
“You’ve been in there forever.”
Shyly you opened the door and immediately his eyes landed on you. You didn’t know what happened, but that usual cocky grin disappeared.
“Looks good.”
“The hoodie?” you laughed softly.
“No.”
His answer came so quickly it caught both of you off guard. Your heart - fuck, your poor heart stuttered for a second as he cleared his throat.
“The… hoodie looks good.”
… oh okay.
“Thanks,” you smiled anyway.
After you walked away Kaiser stayed standing in the hallway. His eyes squeezed shut and his fists curled tightly. Ness appeared beside him and shook his head.
“You almost said it.”
“I know.”
Two days later there was another party and of course the boys didn’t even bother asking you. And you didn’t have the guts to demand that they take you with them.
So, you’re all curled up on the couch with a huge bowl of popcorn and the soda Ness had bought you the other day. Plus that terrible dating show you secretly enjoyed watching sometimes.
And sometimes good little things happened, like tonight. Around midnight the apartment door opened and the boys came back. A little tipsy, their face lighting up when they saw you curled together like a little human burrito.
Kaiser dropped two takeout bags onto the coffee table. “We brought dumplings.”
“Ooooh,” you cooed with a smile. “You remembered!”
Ness looked impossibly pleased with himself as he let himself fall onto your right side. “You said you were craving them.”
Meanwhile Kaiser opened the takeout boxes and fed you one of the dumplings. But it wasn’t this. They didn’t smell like another girl - just their usual expensive Cologne and the faint smell of beer. So you happily opened your mouth.
Together you ate while the contestants cried dramatically on TV. Kaiser complained about every couple, Ness laughed until he snorted and you laughed so hard your stomach hurt.
It felt like home. No. It definitely was home and in these moments the ache in your chest disappeared.
But nothing could’ve prepared you what would happen three weeks later.
You’d been already on your way to class when you’d noticed that you forgot one of your books. Quickly you went back to the apartment when you heard their voices from the kitchen.
“…she should come next time,” Ness said quietly.
Your heart squeezed before jumping in excitement. Finally. Finally they’d take you to a party too.
“No,” Kaiser answered immediately.
Your stomach dropped. See? This had to be, because they felt ashamed. Or at least Kaiser did.
“I don’t think we can keep hiding her forever,” Ness said carefully.
… hiding? You didn’t understand.
“No.”
“Michael.”
“No.”
A painful silence followed as you listened closely. You were so close to find out the reason.
“The second people see her,” Kaiser sighed. “They’ll notice.”
You frowned confused. Notice what? It wasn’t a secret that you looked the way you looked or that you lived together with them.
“Have you seen the way she smiles?” Kaiser added quietly.
“Yeah,” Ness laughed quietly.
“And she’ll wear probably one of our hoodies.”
“Yeah.”
“And every idiot there is going to think she’s adorable.”
“Yeah.”
“And then some asshole is going to ask for her number.”
Another silence followed. All while your thoughts raced. Were the hoodies the problem? You could wear something nice too.
Then Kaiser spoke so quietly you almost missed it. “I’m not interested in competing.”
Your heart stopped. Competing? Competing against who and why and what and where and everything in between.
“I already hate when guys look at her in the cafeteria,” Ness rubbed a hand down his face annoyed.
“They don’t even know her yet.”
“I know.”
“I’d rather keep her here.”
“Safe and away from these assholes.”
“Our girl,” Kaiser whispered.
“Our girl,” Ness murmured softly.
You couldn’t breathe. Huh? What? Their girl? Like in their their girl?
“You know what she thinks?” Ness continued, more serious now.
“What?”
“I think she thinks we don’t invite her because we’re embarrassed of her.”
So. Ness had noticed. Great. Really. Your eyes burned with shame.
“Scheiße. What?” Kaiser sounded horrified.
“C’mon Michael. The parties we don’t invite her too. The girls sometimes coming over. Don’t tell me you don’t notice how quiet she gets.”
Kaiser didn’t answer as his face scrunched up in anger and pain. This was never the plan. They just… he did. Scheiße. Scheiße. Scheiße.
The kitchen fell silent, but you could hear Kaiser’s heavy breathing. The one you knew he was getting when he suppressed something. And then your heart broke.
“I’d burn every party on campus down before I’d ever be embarrassed of her,” Kaiser whispered strained.
You covered your mouth. Still putting together the pieces while not allowing you to hope.
“She doesn’t even know what we see when we look at her,” Ness laughs without any humor.
“Unser hübsches mädchen.”
Our beautiful girl. Oh god.
“Our girl who likes to steal our hoodies,” Ness hummed.
“I leave them out on purpose,” Kaiser chuckled. “You do too.”
“Love when she wears them. Makes me feel even more possessive,” Ness mused and Kaiser agreed.
You accidentally dropped your keys, because what? What?
Both men froze and you squeaked an embarrassed, confused. “Hiii.”
Neither of them had ever moved so fast in their entire life. The kitchen doorway filled with two very panicked roommates. Your eyes were glossy when you looked up at them.
“So,” you laughed weakly. “I guess I wasn’t supposed to hear that.”
“No,” Ness admitted.
“You think I’m embarrassed of you?” Kaiser sounded so offended.
You looked down at yourself and you needed to tell them. Especially Kaiser. “I’m chubby.”
“I’m aware,” Kaiser narrowed his eyes.
“I thought maybe—”
“You thought wrong,” Kaiser cut in. “So wrong it’s almost impressive.”
A watery laugh escaped you and you quickly covered your mouth. Immediately Ness stepped closer and pried the hand from your mouth.
“Do you know what we see?”
You shook your head.
“We see the woman we want to come home to.”
“The woman who makes this apartment feel like home,” Kaiser added.
“The woman who looks impossibly cute drowning in our hoodies,” Ness continued.
“The woman we’ve both been trying very hard not to scare.”
“Scare me?” you asked softly.
“Scheiße schatz, we’ve been hard for you since the day you moved in,” Kaiser rubbed the back of his neck and glanced at Ness, who looked at Kaiser with a sigh.
“We’re in love with you, engel,” Ness said, surprisingly nervous. “We’ve been waiting.”
“For what?”
Kaiser looked at you as if the answer were obvious, “For you. Until you’re ready for us.”
The apartment went quiet - the three of you standing in the place that had quietly become a home.
You looked down at the oversized hoodie covering your soft frame. The one you’d always worn because it made you feel hidden, safe and small. Then you looked back up at the two men who had never wanted to hide you, because of your body.
They’d only wanted to protect the future they believed was waiting for them. They’d been waiting and biding their time and claiming you in small ways. With their hoodies, with keeping you hidden in the apartment, because the thought of another guy approaching you would’ve sent them in a frenzy.
It was never shame. It was love wrapped in the sweetest obsession.
“Can I keep stealing the hoodies?” you asked softly.
Kaiser laughed as he nodded. He then crowded you, trapping you between him and Ness.
“You were keeping them anyway.”
“I’ll even buy more,” Ness winked.
“And,” Kaiser added with a grin, “Next party? You’ll walk in wearing my hoodie.”
Ness and you looked surprised to Kaiser whose blue eyes turned a little feral at the thought. Automatically Ness’ turned dark too.
“It’s time that everyone knows who you belong to and who we come home to. Now and forever,” Kaiser whispered into your ear.
“Now let us show you,” Ness breathed into your ear as he nudged you towards Kaiser’s bedroom.
Your class was forgotten as they wrecked you completely. Ruining you for every other men as they took turns with your soft plushy body.
Two hours later you walked across the campus with them. Your holes still stretched out and leaking, a soft glow across your face. Ness’ hoodie hiding perfectly the slight tremble of your thighs.
… and across the campus the trio watched the other notorious duo. One calm and the other with a feral insanity that left you uncomfortable… not far away was your classmate. So nerdy, so sweet - about to be ruined once they both strike.
i need to get off tumblr i’m at the aquarium admiring the fish and my brain goes “posts that make you want to get in the water” what are you talking about. these are live fish in the room with you. what post.
Victor Frankenstein after achieving the impossible and building a fucking person from scraps of the dead: Oh god, ew, ew it's ugly! Yucky! Yucky! Gross! Ew! Ew! Yucky! Yucky! Gross! Ew!
