This is self-indulgent and it came to me in a dream and as a 19-year-old, I find it to be my personal duty to rage bait the elderly.
Dante
Dante knew something was wrong the moment you were quiet. This was the kind of quiet that meant you were thinking. And when you were thinking? Bad things happened.
He didn’t look up from cleaning Ebony.
“…Whatever it is,” he said lazily, “don’t.”
From the couch, you gasped dramatically. “I haven’t even done anything yet!”
“That’s exactly the problem.”
You narrowed your eyes. Okay. So, he was already on guard. That just meant you had to be smarter about it. You leaned forward, resting your chin in your palm, studying him like a scientist about to ruin someone’s day.
“Hey, Dante?”
He didn’t look up. “No.”
“…You don’t even know what I was gonna say.”
“I don’t need to.”
Rude.
You stood up slowly, stretching like you weren’t about to become the most annoying person alive. Then you walked behind him. Circled him once. Twice. Dante finally glanced up.
“…You circling me like a shark or something?”
“Just observing.”
“That’s worse.”
You crouched slightly, peering at Ebony. “Huh.”
Dante immediately narrowed his eyes. “…Don’t ‘huh’ my guns.”
“I’m just saying,” you shrugged, “they’re kinda… mid.”
Silence. Dante stared at you. You stared back.
“…Mid?” he repeated slowly.
You nodded, dead serious. “Yeah. Like… they’re cool, I guess, but nothing special.”
Dante let out a short, amused laugh. “Oh, you’re trying today, huh?”
You blinked. “…What?”
“C’mon,” he grinned, leaning back in his chair, “you can do better than that.”
You felt personally attacked.
“I’m serious, Dante!”
“Uh-huh.”
“I’ve seen cooler weapons.”
“Oh yeah?” he smirked. “From who?”
“Vergil.” You didn’t even hesitate.
“Of course.” Dante snorted.
“What?? Yamato is literally cooler-”
“Yeah, yeah,” he waved you off, “magic katana, tragic backstory, whole edgy aesthetic. I get it.”
You crossed your arms. “So you admit it.”
“Nope.”
“You just said-”
“I said I get it. Not that you’re right.”
You stared at him. Why was this man so, so unbothered? Fine. You’d escalate. You plopped down dramatically onto the couch.
“You know what else?”
“Oh boy,” Dante muttered.
“You’re kinda old.”
That got a reaction. Barely but it was there. A slight twitch of his eyebrow. “…Careful.”
“Oh my god, you totally are,” you continued, doubling down. “Like, you still say stuff like ‘jackpot.’ Who even says that anymore?”
“I do.”
“Exactly. That’s embarrassing. I'm gonna start calling you Unc.”
Dante leaned back, crossing his arms, looking at you like you were a mildly entertaining TV show. “Kid, I’ve fought demons older than your entire bloodline. I think I’ve earned the right to say whatever I want.”
You pointed at him. “See? That’s exactly what an old person would say. 'Back in my day' head-ass.”
“Keep going. This is fun.” He grinned.
You froze. “…Fun?”
“Yeah,” he said casually. “You’re trying real hard. I respect it.”
You felt your soul leave your body. This was not how this was supposed to go. You were supposed to get a rise out of him. Not keep him entertained.
You squinted at him. “…You’re immune.”
“Nah,” Dante shrugged. “Just experienced.”
“With what??”
“People trying to get under my skin.”
“I could totally do it.” You frowned.
“Sure you could.” he laughed out.
“That sounded sarcastic.”
“It was.”
You leaned forward. “Okay. Final attempt.”
Dante gave you a mock salute. “Hit me.”
You took a deep breath. “…You’re not actually that strong.”
Silence. This one landed. Dante tilted his head slightly.
“…Oh?”
You held your ground. “Yeah. I mean, you’re good, but like… I feel like you rely too much on style over substance.”
Another pause. Then Dante stood. Slowly. Cracked his neck, rolled his shoulders, and grinned.
“Well,” he said, grabbing Rebellion, “that’s a bold claim.”
You blinked. “…Wait-”
“Tell you what,” he continued, walking toward you, “you back that up, and I’ll admit you got me.”
Your stomach dropped. “…You wanna fight??”
“You said it,” he shrugged. “I’m just giving you the chance to prove it.”
You immediately backed up. “Okay, wait, no- this was just supposed to be verbal-”
“Too late.”
“DANTE-”
He laughed. And just like that you realized something very important. You didn’t get under Dante’s skin. He just dragged you into his chaos instead. And somehow? He was still the one winning.
------
Later, after you were sprawled on the floor, completely defeated, Dante crouched beside you.
“…So,” he smirked, “still think I’m ‘mid’ and 'unc'?”
“I hate you.” You groaned into the floor.
“Nah,” he said, standing up, “you love me.”
“…Debatable.”
“Sure.”
He tossed you a soda. You caught it weakly.
“…You didn’t get mad at all, did you?”
“Why would I?” Dante shrugged.
You stared at him. “Because I was being annoying on purpose??”
Vergil noticed immediately. The way your footsteps were just slightly too loud. The way you lingered in the doorway. The way your presence felt… intentional. He didn’t look up from his book.
“…State your purpose.”
You leaned against the wall casually. “No purpose.”
“…Then leave.”
“Wow,” you said flatly, “rude.”
Silence. Vergil turned a page. You smiled. Oh, this was going to be easy. You walked in further, dragging a chair loudly across the floor before sitting in it backwards. The screech echoed through the room. Vergil’s eye twitched. Barely but you saw it.
“…Was that necessary?” he asked coldly.
“Yes.”
“…Why.”
“I felt like it.” you shrugged.
A pause. “…Do not do it again.”
You grinned. Oh, you were absolutely doing it again. You dragged it just a little more.
SCREEEEEECH.
Vergil snapped his book closed. “…I am going to give you one opportunity to reconsider your actions.”
You rested your chin on the back of the chair. “Or what?”
His gaze lifted into something sharp and cutting.
“…Do not test me.”
“Or. what. You’ll monologue at me?” You tilted your head.
Mistake. A very small mistake. But a mistake, nonetheless. Vergil stood.
“…You believe yourself amusing.”
“I am very amusing.”
“You are insufferable.”
“Wow. Big words from the big man.” you teased.
His grip on Yamato tightened. “…You are deliberately provoking me.”
“Nuh-uh.”
“Do not lie.”
“I’m not lying, you’re just sensitive.”
That did it. You actually saw it happen in real time. The exact moment his patience snapped.
“…Sensitive,” he repeated.
You nodded. “Yeah. Like, I feel like if someone breathed wrong around you, you’d take it as a personal attack.”
Vergil stepped closer. “You are walking a very thin line.”
You leaned forward.
“Oh no!" you made an over-dramatic frowny face, "Are you gunna give me a speech about power and discipline?”
His eye twitched again. “…You think this is a game.”
“It is a game.” you smiled.
“Then you will lose.”
“Okay, edgelord.” You snorted.
Vergil’s voice dropped damgerously.
“…Do not call me that again.”
You smiled sweetly. “Edge. Lord.”
Yamato was unsheathed in an instant. The sound was sharp. Terrifying even. And yet, you didn’t move. You just stared at him.
“…You’re not gonna actually cut me,” you said calmly.
Another mistake. Because now he had something to prove.
“…You presume much,” Vergil said, stepping closer, the blade gleaming between you.
You leaned back slightly in your chair. “C’mon, you wouldn’t hurt me over something this dumb.”
“…Would I not?”
There it was. That dangerous edge. That need to assert control and prove superiority. You tilted your head.
“…You’re proving my point, you know.”
“…Explain.”
“You’re easy.”
That stopped him. Just for a second. “…Easy.”
“Yeah,” you shrugged. “All I have to do is poke you a little and you’re already pulling a sword on me.”
His grip tightened. “…You are attempting to analyze me.”
“I'm not analyzing you, I'm annoying the hell out of you.”
Another step closer.
“…You are mistaken.”
“I don’t think I am.”
Silence stretched between you. Then you did the worst thing possible. You reached out and flicked his forehead. Lightly. It was barely anything. But the audacity of it... Vergil froze completely. You smiled.
“…See?”
And that was the fatal mistake. Because the next thing you knew your chair was gone. Shattered in a judgment cut. You were pinned against the wall, Yamato pressed just beside your head, embedded into the surface with a sharp crack. Vergil loomed over you. Eyes glowing faintly. His presence overwhelming.
“…You have tested my patience,” he said quietly.
Your heart was racing but you still grinned. You have to finish the bit. You CAN'T back down now.
“Yeah?”
“…And you believe this amusing.”
“A little.”
“…You should not.” His gaze burned into yours.
And yet he hadn’t hurt you. Hadn’t even touched you. The blade wasn’t on you. Just near your head. You tilted your head slightly away from the Yamato.
“…You done?” you asked.
A pause. Then Vergil exhaled and stepped back. Yamato slid free from the wall back to his hand with a clean sound.
“…Leave.”
You pushed yourself off the wall, brushing dust off your clothes.
“Wow. That was dramatic.”
“…Leave.”
“Thanks for proving my point.” You walked past him grinning.
“…Do not return.”
You reached the doorway. Paused. Then looked back. “…You’re really easy to mess with, you know.”
Silence.
“…Get out.”
You laughed and left.
The room was quiet again. But the crack in the wall remained. And Vergil stood there, unmoving. Thinking. Because the worst part wasn’t that you had provoked him. It wasn’t even that you had been right. It was that, if even for a brief moment, he had let you. And that was far more irritating than anything you had said.
If there was one thing you and Nero were exceptionally good at, it was making bad decisions together. And today’s bad decision? Rage baiting both Dante and Vergil at the same time with teamwork.
“This is a terrible idea.” Nero groaned.
“It’s a great idea.” you defended.
“It’s gonna end with us getting stabbed.”
“Only if you mess it up.” you stuck your finger in his face.
“I’m not the one who suggested it!” he slapped your hand away.
You leaned against the wall, arms crossed, watching Nero pace back and forth like he was debating his life choices. Which is fair because he was.
“Relax,” you said. “We just have to be strategic.”
“Nothin’ about this is strategic,” Nero muttered. “This is suicide with extra steps.”
You grinned. “Okay, but it’ll be funnyyyyy.”
“…That’s not reassuring.”
-------------
Across the shop, Dante sat in his usual spot, boots kicked up, lazily spinning one of his pistols like he didn’t have a care in the world. Vergil stood near the window, arms crossed, silent and composed like a statue carved out of pure judgment. Two very different targets. Two very different reactions.
You looked at Nero.
“…We start with Dante.” you half whispered.
“Why?”
“Because he’s easier.”
From across the room, Dante didn’t even look up. “I heard that.”
You froze. “Hear what?”
“Yeah, good save,” Nero snorted.
You straightened immediately. No hesitation. No fear. Time to commit. You walked up to Dante, casual as ever.
“Hey.”
“No.”
“Wha- You don’t even know what I’m gonna say.” you sputtered out.
“Don’t need to.”
You leaned over his chair, peering down at him. “…You’ve gotten predictable.”
That did it. Dante paused mid-spin, slowly lowered the gun, then looked up at you.
“…Predictable?”
You nodded. “Yeah. Same attitude, same jokes, same moves. Honestly, I could probably fight you and know exactly what you’re gunna do.”
Nero snorted loudly from behind you. “OHHHH-”
“Shut up, deadweight.” Dante said without looking away from you leaving Nero mildly infuriated.
But then Dante grinned. Wide with his fangs looking particularly sharp.
“Oh, you’re really going for it today, huh?”
You tilted your head. “Maybe.”
He stood up.
“Oh, I like this,” he said. “C’mon, keep going.”
“…Wait what?” You blinked. “You’re not supposed to enjoy it.”
“Why not?” Dante questioned.
“Because I’m trying to annoy you.”
“Yeah,” he smirked, “and it’s working.”
Nero stepped in beside you. “…That doesn’t sound like it’s working.”
“It is,” Dante said. “I’m real annoyed.”
You narrowed your eyes. Something about that felt off. But before you could think too hard about it, Nero jumped in. “…You’re slow, too.”
You whipped your head toward him. “Oh, we’re doubling down??”
“Go big or go home.” Nero shrugged.
Dante blinked. Then laughed. “Wow. Both of you??”
“Yeah,” you said. “Team effort.”
“Man,” he sighed dramatically, “I raised you better than this.”
“You didn’t raise me,” Nero snapped.
“Debatable.”
“NOT DEBATABLE-”
“Focus,” you whispered harshly, placing a hand on Nero's forearm. “We’re baiting him.”
“Right.” he gave a short nod. Nero turned back. “…You rely too much on style.”
“Okay, that one hurt.” Dante gasped, offended.
You nodded. “Yeah, that was personal.”
“Real low blow, kid.” Dante sighed disappointedly.
“You literally named your moves,” Nero shot back.
“Hey, they’re cool names.”
“They’re stupid names.” Nero added.
“They are NOT stupid!”
You blinked, then slowly looked at Nero. “…Wait.”
“What?” he looked down at you, raising an eyebrow.
“He’s actually getting into it.”
Nero paused. “…Oh.”
Dante crossed his arms. “What do you mean ‘actually’?”
“…You’re falling for it really fast.” You squinted at him.
“I am not falling for anything.”
“You started arguing immediately.” you accused.
“That’s because you’re wrong!”
“See?” Nero pointed. “You’re doing it again.”
Dante looked between the two of you.
“Unbelievable.” He scoffed.
That’s when you turned toward Vergil slowly and carefully. He hadn’t moved, hadn’t spoken, hadn’t reacted. But his eyes were on you now.
“…Hey.” You smiled.
“…No.”
“Oh, come on.” you held back a laugh. "You know you enjoy my company, Vergil."
“I will not participate in this.”
Nero stepped forward. “…You already are.”
Vergil’s gaze shifted to him.
“…Explain.”
“You’re listening, aren’t you?” Nero egged on.
A pause. You grinned. Oh, this was gonna be easy.
“You know,” you said casually, “for someone who talks about power so much, you’re kinda easy to provoke.”
Vergil’s eyes narrowed slightly. “…You are attempting to incite a reaction.”
“Yup.”
“…Why.”
Nero smirked. “Because it’s funny.”
“See? I told you.” Dante snorted.
“Silence, Dante.” Vergil glared at his twin.
You tilted your head. “…You’re already annoyed.”
“I am not.”
“You said that really fast.”
“…Because you are incorrect.”
Nero leaned over to you. “He’s definitely annoyed.”
“Yeah,” you whispered back. “Look at his eye.”
“…I can hear you.”
“Good,” you said.
Vergil’s grip on Yamato tightened. You pointed immediately. “See?? There it is!”
“There what is.” Vergil narrowed his eyes.
“That thing you do when you’re trying not to lose your patience.”
“…I am not losing my patience.”
“You’re about to.” Nero accused.
“I am not.”
“You are.” you giggled, doubling down with Nero.
“I am not.”
Dante burst out laughing. “Oh my god, this is great.”
Vergil turned slightly. “…You find this amusing.”
“Very.”
“You are also being insulted.”
“Yeah, but I can take it.”
You froze. Wait... that was weird.
“…You can take it?” you repeated.
“Yeah,” Dante shrugged. “Unlike some people.”
Vergil’s eye twitched. “…Elaborate.”
“Oh, you know,” Dante said casually, leaning back, “some people hear one thing they don’t like and suddenly it’s a whole thing.”
You looked between them. Then at Nero. “…Oh, he’s instigating.”
Nero’s eyes widened. “…WAIT-”
Vergil turned fully now. “…Are you implying I lack control.”
Dante grinned. “Did I say that?”
“You implied it.”
Dante sucked a breath in through his teeth. “Did I?”
“You did.”
“Sounds like you’re reading into it.”
“That is precisely what you meant.” Vergil hissed.
“Hey, if the shoe fits, big brother-”
Oh. Oh, no. You slowly stepped back, grabbing Nero's jacket.
“…Nero.”
“…Yeah?”
“We may have lost control of the situation.”
“WE?? YOU STARTED THIS!” He whipped his head towards you.
“I think we should leave.”
He agreed with a short nod. Behind you both, the tension spiked. Vergil stepped forward.
“…You believe yourself superior in composure.”
Dante cracked his neck. “I don’t believe. I know.”
“You are reckless.”
“You’re uptight.”
“You lack discipline.”
“You lack personality.”
Nero grabbed your arm. “…We’re going. Now.”
“Yep.”
You both started backing toward the door. Very slowly. Very carefully. Things were escalating. Fast.
“…You mistake restraint for weakness,” Vergil said coldly.
“You mistake control for strength,” Dante shot back.
At the door, you whispered: “…Wait.”
“What??”
“…What if this was his plan.”
Nero froze. “…What.”
You looked back. Dante caught your eye and winked. Everything clicked.
“…Oh my god.” you turned and looked up at Nero.
“…WHAT.”
“He played us.”
“…HUH??”
Before Nero could process that, the room exploded into motion. Steel met steel. Yamato clashed against Rebellion in a sharp, ringing impact. The air cracked, power surged. And you and Nero? You were already outside. Door slammed shut behind you.
You listened to the chaos inside. The shouting. The unmistakable sound of two brothers absolutely refusing to back down.
Avatar: the Last Airbender has an entire episode dedicated to showing how Fire Lord Sozin became the genocidal monster that he was, showing how growing up surrounded by nationalistic fervor can turn anyone into imperialist monsters, and how imperialism and colonialism are justified by theoretically good intentions, and then has him spend his final days in regret, realizing the tragic extent of his failings.
And then every piece of media that Sozin appears in the past few years have made a point of showing that actually Sozin was the worst always and forever, he never had any sympathetic qualities, and also he invented homophobia.
I know Sozin is a cartoon villain, but does he have to be so cartoonishly villainous? What, are we scared the audience will think the genocide was good if we show Sozin having any sympathetic qualities whatsoever?
I think Grace’s boss is working for the connections. I literally can’t imagine assigning a TECHNICAL ANALYSIS expert to the site where her mother died 8 years ago. That’s gotta violate a good amount of FBI ethical code since it’s personal right? He then sends this TECHNICAL ANALYSIS expert with ZERO FIELD EXPERIENCE TO GO BY HERSELF! Oh yeah. He gotta go.
ugh having hakari as that one ex boyfriend who will always shit on your present relationships—
like you guys broke up over him always being at clubs or gambling, a fair reason to break up in his eyes, but he gotta do what he gotta do. doesnt mean hes happy over it, but seeing you with a new dude? oh hes fucking cocky.
“new man, girlie?” he draws out, the vape leaving his lips and lazily looking to you. you nod, on your phone and licking your lips. “let me meet him.”
“uhm, no?” you questioned, raising an eyebrow. “youre my ex for a reason.”
“uh, okay ouch.” he dramatizes, blowing smoke. “we still friends, aint’ we?” he asked, his hands on his thighs. “just looking out for my friends.”
you sigh.
“no, kinji, youre not meeting my boyfriend.”
“why the hell not? tell him to come over here tonight.” he baits you, eyes fixed on you and licking his lips. the evening sun always knew how to put all eyes on your beautiful deep and rich skin.
“that would mean id have to leave.” you protest, failing for his bait. you quickly realize, and you groan.
“so,” he starts, a chuckle to his voice and he leans forward with the vape between his pointer and middle finger. “man has no car? how is he gon’ get you if you need him?”
“kin—“
“aht!” he hushes you, making you bite your cheek in irritation. “how is he gonna take you to where you wan’ go to?” he asks, looking to you. “you gotta call your ex boyfriend to take you to your hair appointments and get your nails done.” he smirks. “matter of fact, tell him to uber here.”
a moment of silence washes over the conversation, and you breathe through your nose and look away.
“girl,” he barks, leaning back and spreading his thighs more— that delicious manspread he always did drove you mad and your center gets gooey. “let me get this straight—“
“you date me, a dude who actually has money— and a vehicle, but then downgrade to a broke lame dude?” he chuckled out his question, “i fuckin knew it.”
“kinji, chill out.” you nervously laugh, eyes wandering to his thighs.. where his delightful cock laid beneath his jeans. “it— its different, he doesnt have a job like yours.”
“you right, he ain’t got no job.” he retorts, watching your line of sight to his growing cock. he grabs himself through his jeans, making a show of his arousal and desire. “im an ex for a reason, pretty.” he purrs, biting his lip. “butttt, if you want this thick cock just fer’ you.. all you have to do is send that text and get on your back.”
“my back?” you choke out, the dick trance leaving you. “why?”
he cocks his head, eyes roaming over your body. “have i ever made you suck this dick before ive eaten yer’ creamy pussy?” he already knew the answer, watching your thighs tremble. “ gon’ head and send that weak breakup text, or you can watch me watch you.”
they injected me with mental illness when i was a baby because they didn't like that i radiated moonlight and had stars inside my eyes. they were jealous of me.
i, as a black person, am very—very tired of black folk constantly being watered down to the baseline of stereotypes created about us over the years, by our oppressors, in fanfiction.
imagine how tiring it is to read jabber/reader, jabber/literally-anyone fics and realise, “oh, this is just the mandingo stereotype,” every single time. you non-black people characterise him as insatiable and voracious, aggressive and primitive to satisfy your sexual fantasies surrounding him.
your fanfics are minstrel shows.
please, do better. we’re more than that, and you know it.
Gachiakuta is refreshingly modern. The way that the characters talk to each other scratches my brain in all the right places. I’d love to have more conversations about this.
2087
gummygunk
ellievsbear
andulkaphoto
snowghoul
jbbartram-illu
