[blisterbuzz]

oh and btw a month ago when i had that fiasco of a conversation about feelings and stuff it was a result of me trying to play with my friend and her friend and feeling left out, because they were always running ahead of me and i never understood what was going on and what we were doing. usually we play in a duo and i didn't have this problem.

this weekend we tried a different game, and unlike the previous one i played it many times before, definitely more than the third person. and imagine my surprise when i was still too slow for my company and kept dragging behind without a single idea what they were up to. i tried being like "stop pressing shift yall" but they still were ahead so i gave up. and the previous time we kind of tried to work out a solution very awkwardly but nothing changed, at least not that I've noticed. so i guess im relieved that since this also happens in a game that i know well it means its not about my game comprehension skills yay. glad to know im not the problem. also lowkey im suspicious that im actually thirdwheeling but thats impossible to prove (and insane to prove too)

[blisterbuzz]

honestly i can't even explain why but im so pissed off at everything today. rn i mainly feel angry for myself cause for some reason i keep ruminating on times I've been wronged. and it makes me get angry in general. i wish i knew how to actually put this emotion to use, and how to do it when im supposed to protect myself and not months later when im reflecting on something.

[blisterbuzz]

i went for a walk today and the weather is so nice that i didn't want to return home, and on top of that i kind of had a trip down the memory lane cause i listened to some music from a while back and my mind is too agitated to fall asleep cause i keep ruminating on the past.

the main takeout is that

1) for a while ive felt conflicted about how nostalgic i get about my first job and how fondly i remember it even though in the moment i was miserable, but now i realized that im not gaslighting myself and it wasn't in fact all that bad, because the actually shitty period was my previous job about which i haven't and never will feel anything remotely good ever

2) i realized that a while back, but i actually take a really long time to get used to things and find my way around, and my memories of that are either weird or fragmented, for example the whole first year of uni has felt like a big fever dream in the moment and still does now, and i remember very little. so called asd i guess

3) this is kind of a meme but lowkey i think one of the most impactful things in my life was playing portal 2 when i was 14. and at the moment i didn't take this phase even half as seriously as the other phases that genuinely led nowhere, but i can trace back to portal a lot more things than id expect, for example some of my music preferences. but it might as well be a stretch. its hard to track down influences that are so watered down by time

[blisterbuzz]

so me and my bestie kind of revived something we used to do when we were in school, and im really happy about that, cause i remember it fondly. because of that ive been drawing a lot, more than usual, and double the amount ive been drawing during the past 6 months. if ps has no haters im dead. also found out that ive been plugging my tablet wrong and it might be fried on the inside, so lets hope that it didn't have enough time for it since i use it so rarely.

[blisterbuzz]

also since im not in the best mood these days i tried watching mister rogers neighborhood cause who knows maybe a kids show will cheer me up somehow (mind you ive never seen it before and only know about it from a youtube video) and instead im bawling my eyes out nonstop since yesterday cause its so touching to me. dont know what i expected, i get really sentimental over kind stuff. i might as well try finding the only similar show from my childhood that i remember and see what it was about cause all i remember clearly is the ending melody, and it kind of makes me cry too every time i remember it. not because of nostalgia. because its nice and kind and sweet.

[blisterbuzz]

i guess i tried to open up and flopped real hard but i cant figure out if its on me or not. maybe i will when i calm down a bit but who knows when that is. so the sad and tired part of me wants to disregard all that went down as another proof that i should never try to talk about my issues to anyone ever again. the more rational one wants to make an experiment of sorts and wait out for the next time something like this happens and if nothing changes we will be so back

anyway here's some of the gems that came out of this fuck ass dialogue:

- "you could just do this when you know that im sad" "i didn't know you were sad" "you think one can just tell all about their insecurities and feel happy" "i dunno"

- "would you have told me not to be offended if someone had called me names?" "it depends"

- "think before you speak i dont want to be the only person who does that" "just dont then if you dont wanna"

- "this is an example where i say this and you answer that and i think whatever" "well you never said this and i never answered that and your thinking doesn't define you" "this is an example, an imaginary situation to explain my thought process, i made it up" "i didn't know that"

- "i want you to want to say something nice to me without me having to remind you to, cause i already told you i like it" "well im generally nice to you" "you know thats not what im talking about" "but still keep that in mind"

- "i want you to say something nice to me instead of brainstorming whatever shit that comes out of my mouth" "if you want to hear that stuff you should say it first. anyway i cant do that and you know it. cause it feels fake and surface level when i just say nice things, stop trying to change me. nobody talks like that anyway" "i want to hear something like that because im never complimented and i rarely hear something nice about me" "well its not like im getting 100 compliments a day either"

- "i feel like i should have never brought up that whatever you're offering is not what i want cause i look ungrateful and like im playing the victim" "(this is half an hour later when we're discussing another thing) well what if we'd like to hear something good and nice as well and not that we are so bad and that we bully you" "yeah that pretty much sums up what i already said" "how? actually no nevermind that, i made it up a second ago, i wasn't being serious"

- "i didnt ask for anything because i felt that it was pointless. now i did and ideed it was" "i dont understand why you're so upset" "do you think you mean nothing to me?" "no" "then why are you surprised that im upset that you don't want to accommodate me" "stop trying to change me"

- "(multiple lengthy explanations)" "well i didn't understand any of that. its a communication issue"

- "i dont expect anything" "that's a terrible mindset" "(later, discussing another thing) was i not communicating when i said that i don't like it and i want you to do something different" "but you said you didn't expect anything, but now all of the sudden you do"

if i said it was my boyfriend or my parent id get a million "dump him" or "no contact" comments.

anyway, the missing context is that this was the first time i told this much about myself and they had no idea about whatever was going on in my brain so i understand how it might have been confusing and too much to take in, especially because it started as me just venting about something kind of unrelated? questionably related? something that definitely didn't look like im about to spill my guts out. and i still haven't explained everything yet.

[blisterbuzz]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOOTIE 🎉🍾

maybe next year will be better, i hope so at least

oh my god im so sorry i log in so rarely these days that i legitimately only saw this right now. embarrassing.

anyways, thank you! happy to hear from you. how's it going?

[blisterbuzz]

honestly i don't know what is it about past couple of months that makes me like this but i feel like i haven't been triggered so often in a a year or something. mostly by relationship stuff. friendship i mean, i dont have anything else going on. and i know that i have to open up cause its supposedly the healthy option but i just cant help myself i immediately feel as if i should have never talked. i have no idea how im supposed to get out of this mess. i wasn't really joking, i kind of feel safer within my anxieties and fears because there is nothing about them that i dont know. my trauma is my cocoon and the outside is a million times scarier than whatever i have going on in here.

[blisterbuzz]

you know that movie stereotype when a man that's actually traumatized is just like "nah therapy is some gay shit i need to be tough" well as of now it's lowkey me cause if i let go of my anxieties and unlearn living in a fight or flight mode how am i supposed to be prepared when something bad happens

[blisterbuzz]

so to recap whatever was happening a couple of days ago that made me write those atrocious posts: i got into some minor drama i have no one to blame for but myself, i got too deep into overthinking it, and became hysterical over it for 1.5-2 days. with crying and not wanting to do anything and minor sh and all that. mind you the other person said they are not even mad at me.

anyway, either on monday or tuesday i saw a tiktok with a quote from a book about cptsd (not the one you're thinking about but i started reading it as well), and the thing that was described in the quote felt familiar to an uncanny degree so i gobbled the book in one sitting. and now i can make a joke: tiktok gave me autism, autism gave me cptsd.

but on a more serious note though i guess the same thing happened - i was misunderstanding what exactly people meant when they described their experience so i never thought it could apply to me as well.

but also weirdly enough what helped me with it the last time (outside of general research) is those online tests that are supposedly based on actual psychiatric questionnaires. cause most of the time you know that the implication behind a question is that either whatever they describe is a symptom or the opposite is, and it kind of helped me with understanding other diagnoses and how they differ. though the flip side is that i always hated tests on the internet cause i never know what they mean and what experiences they want me to recall while im answering. that's exactly why every time i tried taking these online raads tests i had borderline results.

[blisterbuzz]

okay i wanted to make a vent post but realized it sounded whiny and kind of teen angst core and i already complain too much on here so i dont want to be cringe see ya next time i guess

[blisterbuzz]

i guess this time i dont have much to say about my bday. im supposed to be happy (can't tell why, related to my bday but not in the way you'd think) but im not. quarter life crisis or something. went shopping but ended up buying just a jacket. felt pretty annoyed by the end. drank a little wine. felt relieved that i managed to come this close to actual peace of mind but now i feel sad so it's gone. maybe it'll pass as well. happy 25th or something

[blisterbuzz]

maybe im in this mood because my bday is coming and it made me reflect or something but anyway ive always been a nostalgic person and lately I've really been feeling like the pieces of people ive met and places ive been to are with me forever. sometimes physically, as in im still using an item i bought somewhere else, but mostly through memories or experience and knowledge. and i guess what's really bittersweet about it that this time is not really the "what a good thing that has passed" type of feeling i normally get while im reminiscing, but more like... ive been through a lot of shit while i lived there, or during that specific year or month, but i still think fondly of the good parts. or not exactly good cause 90% of the time these moments were just normal at best (like sometimes i might remember how i went to a grocery store and shit). and i cant exactly say that im putting on rose tinted glasses when it comes to memories. i guess i feel like despite everything it enriched me and made an addition to the neverending process of growing up and changing. and retrospectively it makes me realize that there was always more to life than just downsides, and sometimes even a simple walk during a cloudy day can make you feel good enough for it to stretch throughout many years.

i think i get sentimental far easier than i like to admit.

tldr - local woman discovers grounding and positive thinking

[blisterbuzz]

also, while i was listening to the audios i recorded talking into my phone (cause i was looking for one specific recording) i realized im kind of majorly triggered by sighs. mostly cry sighs but anything goes. cause in one of them i started crying and obv i was sighing at first, and even though its ME as in MYSELF, i was still fucking triggered by MY OWN crying. i instantly felt so deeply uncomfortable. 99% sure that i developed this reaction because my mom does these sighs very often, and she likes to give you the silent treatment from time to time and expects you to read her thoughts as shes standing a couple steps away huffing and puffing but not looking at you... if we're in a fight i know she's just being immature. but when she's just upset and i know it has nothing to do with me it still gets some sort of a visceral reaction out of me. i feel like there's still an expectation that im supposed to do something i dont know what without her ever telling me what she'd actually want at the moment - talk to her or leave her alone. at least i think so cause she admits that she still expects people to read her mind and has to remind herself not to do that. and i cant help but wonder if she thinks im a shitty person cause i never show up the way she'd like me to, but i just have no idea how. and when i try im always worried that im gonna say or do something wrong regardless and she's gonna get more upset and get angry at me. i hate it when she's angry at me. i cant say i was abused but essentially im scared of her in a way.

anyway this was a vent about being a piece of shit person, enjoy your day

[blisterbuzz]

so fun fact about me during my first year in uni my roman empire was the roman empire, but now its something that i should never mention to someone i dont trust cause it's probably gonna ruin my reputation forever.

on wednesday (?) i watched a video about it and spiraled into thinking about it all the time, and what it got me to is that im currently working on digitalizing my diaries. which also includes writing transcripts of something like 30 voice recorder files with length varying between 5 and 80 minutes.

so i spent two and a half days typing the entries from a small notebook (thats half empty btw) and it kinda was tiring cause even though it was me who wrote it i still struggle to understand the text sometimes. but now that its done im gonna have to type everything from my current diary, and its a bigger format and has three times more pages. so realistically speaking im probably gonna give up.

the point of this is basically to make it easier for me to reread them cause i do it pretty often. and sometimes i do it for research purposes, like when i wanted to know whether i have asd or not, or recently i wanted to find entries with mentions of this roman empire of mine, and this shit really feels like looking for a needle in the hay.

also i sometimes leave comments from the future in older entries and comments to the comments, and it really gets hilarious. like in 2013 i wrote that i disliked my classmate, in 2016 i commented "nah they're cool" and in 2021 i responded to the comment "fangirling?" cause i thought so because they became popular and all my friends liked them but i never even fucking talked to them

[blisterbuzz]

oh and btw while the previous post was in my drafts i literally had the exact reality check i was describing, cause guess what happened last week. my new friend streams to me in the morning, the same day but in the evening i play with my bestie. also some minor drama happened between the three of us, but it was resolved (or i believe so at least) pretty quickly. and what do you know, i get so overwhelmed that on monday im crying and trying to come up with a statement for them both like "i cant participate anymore, sorry that i let you down". on tuesday im feeling better but still not ready, and i randomly hop on a call with my bestie and come up with a pretty obvious plan - don't do two things in a day and alternate instead. and leave a day for some rest. i feel disappointed with myself because all of this bs was so easily preventable like all i had to do is think longer than 3 seconds before i speak. so... idk pay attention to your needs or whatever

[blisterbuzz]

a major life update - something like a month ago i tried to message someone again and lowkey i randomly got what i always secretly dreamed of when i was in my teens

this new person ive met invited me to their discord server, where i chat with them in the vc somewhat frequently, and sometimes other people are present too, and i even got into trying valorant with their friends and my bestie (eventually i bailed out cause i didn't like the game), and now they are streaming their bg3 run to me.

anyway, the layer of context to all this is that this exact kind of activity is what i was craving for during my teens. i used to have this insanely romanticized fantasy of being in a friend group and maybe occasionally being the life of the party. ideally i wanted this irl so when i enrolled in my uni i really thought that im starting a new life and im not gonna be the quieter kid that i was in school. but not much had changed, so my self esteem was plummeting and i hated myself, and it became a cycle. i didn't know what to say, got embarrassed that im so inept, started overthinking it, didn't say anything again cause i got too anxious, rinse and repeat.

and now i know that whatever i was imagining doesn't even fit me the way i thought it would. i think it made me feel free cause i finally stopped giving a shit about a really huge insecurity. and what do you know when you let go and stop overthinking words actually come out of your mouth and you suddenly have something to say. and if you don't it's not a bad thing either, but for whatever reason i believed that it is.

and on top of that i didn't even realize that i would be too overwhelmed to be a social butterfly. when i was a kid i often declined going out to play with my school friends or neighbors cause i wanted more alone time, and then i suddenly decided that i dont need as much anymore? delusional. tbh these days i might sometimes feel drained after 2.5 hours of chatting out of my 16 hours being awake and feel the need to spend the rest of the day alone

anyway, its kind of new to me cause ive never been on servers like this before and also im lowkey surprised that this person is still talking to me cause from what ive gathered they are pretty socially active. and me personally i need a lot of time to get really used to whatever new thing im facing. even though sometimes in the moment it doesn't feel like this, but when i look back at some of my experiences the beginning almost always looks like a fever dream compared to the rest.