Season Dweller

These are all things I personally post because my main page is filled with things I've shared. I'm just a young Scorpio lady from Ohio, and you can call me Bean. ♏️🍂🌞🔮🕉💕

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😇

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Feelin peachy 🍑

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Yeah your new school

But your old soul

Yeah you're special

You're all I need

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A force to be reckoned with

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[alissa966-deactivated20200308]

that 1 text can change a lot of things

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It's wild how life fluctuates my weight based off of how well I'm living.

9th grade: 130lbs.

10 grade: 135lbs.

11th grade: 125lbs.

12th grade: 135lbs.

'17- 135lbs.

'18-145lbs.

'19-120lbs.

Through high school I mainitined this weight then after high school as I had some money I gained weight due to affording to eat.

Now forward to '19 and we can see im the lightest I've ever been mainly because I'm broke and can't afford food exactly when I'm hungry. Or I'm making sure other people are fed.

Wow life is wild.

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8/12 about last night

Last night i had a dream that i was driving and i was drunk and i swerved into the median wall that split the sides of the highway and i rolled the car. When i rolled everything was just black and i just kept saying "are you okay?" To whoever was my passenger which i think was my mom. And i thought i was like dead. But apparently i was completely okay and my passenger was completely hospitalized. And i didn't have much of a dream after that except the memories and flashbacks of that dark time where i had no idea what was going on while i was rolling the car.

And i think that's the most accurate feeling of how i am mentally right now.

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Here we go again. Another ride on the Marie go round. Another circle of thinking we like each other only to realize we don't think we do because we are both so stubborn and my dominance is over powering, no matter how much i try to turn it down.

Oh well. I'll just strut the whole way round.

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My bed isn't the only thing I want to sleep with tonight. 😉😉

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"I just want someone to actually make time for me in their busy schedule. Remind me I'm noticed, remind me I'm important. But the sad truth is that life goes on all around me, weather I am or am not there. And other people are so infatuated with their own problems that they don't even seem to care. "

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Im having like a deja vu : the way i feel my feelings is like the way i felt them beginning of high school when i was going through hard times, and id listen to that loud sappy punk songs. And id wonder around everywhere walking like i was walking somewhere, but i was always just getting myself lost. on purpose. Its so difficult to explain. Good chance it was some depression, i don't know tho it was just rough times for me.  But its years later, and its like its happening all over again. its weird how the world works.

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And I just want you to know, if anything makes it look like I'm taking this easy. I am not. I am going through more than anyone can imagine in the shortest of amount of time. I am losing myself but only to the very middle beam energy of my being. At first I was stuck on my mothers couch wound so tightly in a ball, gasping for air as i sobbed for hours on end. Every night that weekend I forced myself to go out and make plans. I drank every single night and tried varies substances. It was not easy. I vented that whole weekend to complete strangers. I talked so much I've leveled my head and now I'm just numb. I drink because i can't really feel much else. I sit here in these thoughts that make me feel ways i haven't felt since high school. I guess I never knew it but all those depressed days I had were cured when I could just be in the same room with you. The same apartment as you. Coming home to you every single day. I was cured of feelings. Except love. And now I feel every feeling to the center of my core. I thought I would never feel like this again; lost, alone, confused. Yes I am sad but entirely i don't even feel that anymore. I just feel lost without you. 

but that is fine. I will hide my deepest most truest feelings in the booze that will probably consume most of my daily life. but i promise , i will be fine. 

just know. I miss you. 

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I'm stuck between moods. Either wanting to drive my car off a cliff, or telling myself "don't worry you're a bad bitch. You got this." There is no inbetween.

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I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm heart broken.

But i know you could fix all of those things with just the slightest smile towards me. Just a look in my direction. One day, i know you'll fix what was broken. Even if it was done by you.

But right now your the only one who can fix me. And one day.... even if it's far from now... i know you will. And i will wait for that day. Please just don't find someone new in the meantime. Because i don't think i could handle that pain anymore than how much i carry now.