And I just want you to know, if anything makes it look like I'm taking this easy. I am not. I am going through more than anyone can imagine in the shortest of amount of time. I am losing myself but only to the very middle beam energy of my being. At first I was stuck on my mothers couch wound so tightly in a ball, gasping for air as i sobbed for hours on end. Every night that weekend I forced myself to go out and make plans. I drank every single night and tried varies substances. It was not easy. I vented that whole weekend to complete strangers. I talked so much I've leveled my head and now I'm just numb. I drink because i can't really feel much else. I sit here in these thoughts that make me feel ways i haven't felt since high school. I guess I never knew it but all those depressed days I had were cured when I could just be in the same room with you. The same apartment as you. Coming home to you every single day. I was cured of feelings. Except love. And now I feel every feeling to the center of my core. I thought I would never feel like this again; lost, alone, confused. Yes I am sad but entirely i don't even feel that anymore. I just feel lost without you.
but that is fine. I will hide my deepest most truest feelings in the booze that will probably consume most of my daily life. but i promise , i will be fine.
just know. I miss you.
