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"No hate just here to share and vent about what's bothering me, and maybe post a message I still want to share with her. P.S. If you're a hater, just leave don't check this account. I am a proud feminine lesbian."

[blogdiaryofme]

"This is not a fictional story but rather the story of a broken girl who exists and is still healing from pain."

I just want to share my story because why not?

Back in 2020, I met a girl and fell for her so deeply, so obsessively. Then 2023 came, and she had to enter police training for six months. We barely communicated.

And then there was another girl we'll call her Jane. That’s not her real name, of course. But she kept leaving flirty comments on my girlfriend’s posts, saying things like, “That’s my baby” and “She’s mine” fully aware of my existence.

One day, while I was on a video call with my girlfriend, Jane suddenly appeared in front of the camera and wiped the sweat off my girlfriend’s back. It made me really uncomfortable. So I confronted my girlfriend and asked for boundaries. But she insisted that Jane was just her buddy, her best friend in the camp.

Still, it made me jealous and hurt. I kept asking for boundaries, but in the end, she broke up with me and moved on just like that. As if I were the villain in her story. Maybe I was?

Graduation day came, and I was still hoping to win her back hoping she would understand why I felt jealous of her best friend. They were together 24/7 inside that training camp, barely interacting with outsiders, barely using their phones to contact their loved ones. Maybe she would understand me, right?

Well, I was wrong.

At her graduation, I was so happy to see her again, even wiping her sweat, being sweet to her. But she was distant, walking so fast that I had to run just to keep up. Still, I smiled when she introduced me as her girlfriend to some of her colleagues.

But that was a mistake. It made me look like a fool.

Her colleagues asked, “Is it true you’re her girlfriend?” and I, blushing and smiling, nodded proudly, saying, “Yes, I am.” My heart exploded with happiness. Maybe I could still fix this. Maybe I could still fight for her. Spending money to see her again felt worth it.

But no I was wrong.

Then her best friend showed up with her boyfriend, and suddenly, my girlfriend looked worried too worried just because Jane had a stomachache. That hurt me deeply. In front of me, she acted like that? Distancing herself from me just to be beside Jane? Was she really just a friend?

Anyway, she asked her family to give me a ride home.

In the van, while texting her, she kept pushing me away, telling me she didn’t want me anymore, that she didn’t love me anymore, that I should move on. She even denied introducing me as her girlfriend earlier that day. Do you see how stupid I looked?

Her family lived far from where I was staying, so they dropped me somewhere to catch a bus. While sitting on that bus, I was still begging her to come back, but she didn’t want a relationship with me anymore. I kept calling, texting, and pleading until she stopped replying altogether.

So I asked, “Is Jane the reason? Do you love her?”

She never responded.

I begged for two months. And then, one day, I saw a post that shattered my heart into dust.

She posted a picture of herself with Jane, along with a long caption thanking her for making training easier, saying how much she loved her. As if I had never existed. As if our years together had meant nothing.

She never even did that for me.

After seeing that post and her MyDays with Jane, I finally blocked her. I tried to move on I really did. I sought help from a psychiatrist, hoping it would make things easier. I was on medication for months, but the pain never left. I still think about that post. About her worried face. About Jane’s comments. About everything.

It’s been two years, and I still love her. I’m still haunted by the thought: Was it really my fault for being jealous and asking for boundaries? I only reacted that way because of what she and Jane did in the first place.

Then, in November 2024, she contacted me, asking for forgiveness. No, she doesn’t love me anymore, but she felt guilty about what happened. She still insists that Jane was only her best friend. But they live and work together now.

When she reached out to me again, it gave me an opportunity to add her back on Facebook. At first, she didn’t confirm it, so I gave her a heads-up that I had sent her friend requests on social media. I was hoping that if she accepted, I could see her again, check up on her more often.

I still love her.

It still hurts.

Because deep down, I was hoping she reached out because she realized she still loved me and wanted me back.

Then December 2024 came, and she reached out again. I was very sick at the time. I remember lying in bed, weak, and still longing for her love and affection.

She showed a little care reminding me to take my medicine, to eat. I had been craving that attention for so long. But even though she showed some care, she remained distant.

And in that moment, I realized: I get it. She doesn’t want me anymore. She’s being distant even while showing concern because she doesn’t want me to fall for her again.

But the truth is I never stopped loving her.

I did everything for her. I spent everything I had just to see her again, just to be with her again.

We talked and talked. I told her how broken and wrecked I was when she left me (which, I know, was probably a mistake it might have pushed her further away). But I don’t know. I just wanted her to know that, to this day, I am still haunted by the pain and trauma.

And yet, deep inside, I still hope she’ll come back. I still want to be with her.

It’s funny how a brokenhearted person can believe in impossible things. I’ve tried everything from begging and praying to God every day, asking Him to make her love me again, to wanting her back so desperately.

Did it work? Of course not.

Maybe magic doesn’t really exist.

Still, I keep hoping. Still praying. Because deep in my heart, I love her. And I want her back.

I miss everything about her her body, her kiss, her smile. I crave to hear her moaning again and everything else. Honestly, I don’t understand how the person who ruined my mental health and broke my heart is also the person I still desperately want to be with.

It’s been almost two years since it happened, and I still crave her love.

People say love always wins, but in reality, love doesn’t win most of the time. Because when you love someone too much, when you give off that magnetic pull toward them, they just end up running away.

To this day, I am still broken. To this day, I am still haunted by the pain, by the memory of Jane flirting with my girl, by the argument that tore us apart, maybe permanently.

I still love her. I still want her. But now, all I can do is love her from a distance checking her social media from time to time, even though I know she has probably restricted me from seeing some of her posts.

Even though I keep stalking them both, I know it won’t help me move on.

But I can’t stop.

I love her. I want her. I miss her so much.

Maybe sharing this will help. Maybe it will help me release some of the longing that’s trapped inside my mind.

I don’t know.

But I just want to tell her I still love you. I still miss you. I miss everything about you.

[blogdiaryofme]

Dear Love,

Today is June 5, 2025 what would have been our fifth anniversary.

I wrote you a letter that you are meant to receive on June 5, 2028. That is the letter you will one day read; this one will remain hidden. I honestly don’t remember everything I wrote in that future letter, as I wrote it at midnight, when my emotions were high. I do remember that I was honest in it.

By the time you read that letter, you may already have a new love. No one truly knows what the future holds. But if you were to ask me, I would be honest I always wanted it to be you.

You are my happiness. Simply knowing you exist has been enough for me. Seeing you smile and laugh has always been one of my favorite things in the world. I never imagined I could love someone the way I loved you. I often wished I could be the person you wanted.

Over time, I became heavy not just physically, but emotionally too. You were my sunshine, my definition of both love and pain, and the person I longed for. I wish I could say all of this to you openly, but I know it might make you pull away.

I wonder how you will feel in 2028 when you read that letter. Five years is a long time to carry love. Maybe you loved me for two years, or maybe only one only time truly knows. Still, you have always been special to me.

No matter what, I will always care about you. I will cheer for you from afar and love you from a distance. One day, I hope you feel the kind of love you truly deserve.

You will always be special to me.

Happy fifth year, even though we are no longer together.

[blogdiaryofme]

Dear Love,

Your birthday is almost here. I’m not sure whether I will still be able to reach out to you on that day, as I still feel emotionally numb. Since November, my emotions have been unsettled, and I am still learning how to sit with them.

As a final act of love, I want to say that I am letting you go. I cannot tell you this directly, as I no longer contact you, and I don’t know if you will ever read these words. This letter may remain only in my private diary, known only to me.

I never want to be a burden to you again. Thank you for the days you loved me. Thank you for the moments when I felt genuinely loved by you. You are one of the best things that ever happened to me, and I am deeply sorry if I became heavy instead of being a source of light in your life.

I know I must focus on myself. Being bipolar is not an excuse to cause pain or become a burden, and I take responsibility for that. I love you, but I no longer want to disturb your peace.

I am letting go of the idea of “us.” Still, if someday God were to give us another chance, I would not be afraid to welcome you into my life again. For now, I choose to focus on myself. Letting you go does not mean I stopped loving you it means I am tired of being hurt and I want peace for both of us.

Maybe one day we can genuinely be happy for each other.

I do not regret telling you how I truly felt back then. At that moment, I believed we could still fix things. Perhaps that was also God’s way of helping me face the truth, so I would no longer live in confusion or false hope.

You will always be my favorite craving the kind I can no longer have. I will always treasure the moments we shared. Everything about you remains a treasure to me.

As my final act of love, I choose to step away. You are free. I won’t send long messages anymore; instead, I quietly remove myself from your life because I believe that is what brings you peace.

I know I’ve been emotionally numb lately, and it has been hard to express myself clearly. Still, I know I am okay. I know I can handle letting you go.

I still call you “love” here because you were my only love my first kiss, my first everything, my first love. I will always be proud of that.

Goodbye ☺️

[blogdiaryofme]

Dear Love,

July 29, 2025, I confessed my feelings to you. I once read a quote that said, “Take the risk, or you lose the chance.” I decided to be honest.

After my dog passed away, your presence became my comfort. You became gentler, and I could feel your warmth even through the walls we had between us. I felt that you were more open, though I couldn’t tell if I was being delusional again or if I was truly feeling your care.

I told myself that there was really nothing left to lose. Either I took the risk and told you how I felt, or I would regret it for the rest of my life. You didn’t reject me right away, but you did make sure to keep a much greater distance than before. You didn’t say that you didn’t love me anymore, yet you reminded me not to have high hopes.

I’ll be honest I was in denial. I always remembered how you pushed me away, even back when I was still courting you. Every time you showed banat toward me, you would say it was only a joke. You never liked showing your emotions, even though I had seen you cry before.

I remember when you said you didn’t want me anymore, but when we saw each other again, everything felt magical at least for me. I truly thought our relationship would become stronger than before. You always hid your emotions, and that’s why I kept hoping. I felt your care, or at least I thought I did. Deep down, I believed there was still a chance that you still loved me. But maybe, once again, I was just being delusional.

After the confession, I kept thinking of ways for us. I was willing to wait until you were ready, no matter how long it took. But you pushed me away again, telling me not to have hope anymore. You couldn’t say that you didn’t love me, yet you never failed to make me feel that way.

I know I need to let go. I know I need to brush aside the idea of us. I know this will be difficult. But I’m going to stay until I can’t anymore. Even when you hurt me, all I remember is how you used to love me, and I wish I had held onto that more tightly.

I also know I wasn’t a perfect girlfriend. Being bipolar is difficult for me and for you. I wanted to give you space, but my heart still chose you. I’m sorry for being difficult. I’m sorry for becoming a burden instead of someone who made your life lighter.

I don’t know what will happen to us after this confession, but taking the risk was worth it. You are incredibly special to me, and I always wanted it to be you. No matter what happens, I’ll stay. I’m always here.

And I’m sorry for disturbing your peace again. Maybe it’s because you made my heart happy. Maybe it’s because we shared such a beautiful three years together. Or maybe it’s because you were my first love. I pushed myself toward you because I truly believed that telling you how I felt was the right choice. In my heart, I hoped you would say that you loved me the way I love you.

[blogdiaryofme]

Dear love,

First of all, I want you to know how special you are to me. You make me happy in your own little way, and whenever you’re open and not distant, my heart just fills with joy. I truly love you, and I genuinely enjoy talking to you.

If only we could share more fun moments together. I always treasure the little time we have, even during moments when you shift from being distant to being open again I accept you as you are. Whenever you send me pictures, I save them right away. You’ve always been special to my heart, from the very beginning. Deep down, I knew you were the one I wanted.

You deserve all the love in the world, and I will always love you.

[blogdiaryofme]

November

I’ve been thinking about cutting my hair.

It feels like I’m finally ready to let go.

I want to start this entry by telling you the truth: I am still numb. It’s an unfamiliar feeling not pain, not sadness. It feels light, almost empty. Like I can’t feel much of anything.

I’m planning to send her a casual birthday greeting on her birthday just like I do with friends I no longer talk to. Nothing more.

What scares me now isn’t her anymore.

What scares me is that I’m building a new life.

I’m back on my feet. I’m working at the hospital again, just like before. And for the first time in a very long time, I feel happy truly happy. A kind of happiness I’ve never felt before.

I stopped thinking about her.

I stopped thinking about what I should do to make her fall for me again.

I no longer exist just to beg for her love.

I’ve already accepted the truth: I am not the girl she love.

Of course, from time to time, the “what ifs” still visit me.

What if we could still be together?

November 09, 2025

All of a sudden, her name popped up on my notifications.

I saw it but I decided not to respond right away. I brushed it off to see if I could handle it. To see if I was strong enough now.

I am starting to feel better.

But I’m afraid afraid of feeling pushed away again, afraid of feeling unwanted again.

Then I remembered something important:

I should not make her feel the way she made me feel.

So answering wouldn’t hurt.

I didn’t want her to feel neglected. I didn’t want her to feel unwanted.

That’s the difference between me and her I always think about her emotions before mine.

I’ve learned not to react to things anymore.

If she becomes colder, I quietly distance myself.

If I feel unwanted, I remove myself.

You will not see me begging anymore.

Maybe it’s because my head and my heart keep fighting.

My heart wants to experience the love we had before.

My brain tells me, Stop hurting yourself again.

My heart would do anything for her.

My brain stops me and reminds me of my worth.

I spent so long doing everything for the girl I love adjusting myself, thinking about her emotions, calculating every move so she wouldn’t feel overwhelmed. I kept looking for ways to make her have fun with me again, to make her want me.

And then my brain would fight back:

You keep doing things for the girl you love but who is doing things for you?

Who makes you feel wanted?

Who makes you feel loved?

Who makes an effort for you?

I have emotions too.

I kept hurting myself just so she could feel loved.

But she no longer wants my love and she no longer wants to give me hers.

Eventually, I learned to distance myself.

If we talk, I respond the way I respond to friends.

November 21, 2025

I saw her story about an accident.

I became worried too worried not to care.

I almost called her immediately.

But then I remembered I needed to respect her boundaries.

So I checked in first before calling.

That was when I realized: I still care about her.

My responses have become lighter, less careful. I no longer worry about how I appear in her eyes.

I’ve lost hope for “us.”

I decided that I will simply be there when she needs me.

And when she doesn’t, I will step back and continue building my own life.

Mic’s advice stayed with me.

She told me I need to become secure within myself to attract people who are willing to love me the way I love.

She said when someone knows you’ll always be there, they sometimes abuse that power. They get comfortable, knowing that no matter how much they hurt you, you’ll stay.

Her wisdom made me admire her even more.

So I will send my ex a birthday greeting and that’s it.

They were right: when you finally let go of heavy things, you become light-hearted.

It feels like floating like a feather, moving gently with the air.

Let’s see what happens on November 30, 2025.

But for now, this is the story of a girl who spent two years and seven months broken begging to be loved by someone who didn’t want her.

A girl who kept adjusting so her love wouldn’t feel overwhelming.

A girl who revolved her life around someone unwilling to love her back.

And now, I am officially signing off.

I no longer hold onto hope for us.

I no longer want to force anything.

I want her to be happy.

I want her to find the love she wants.

I want her to become strong and to know she is lovable even if things didn’t work between us.

As for me, I will focus on myself:

building a good career,

building a healthier relationship with myself,

and becoming a better version of me.

I no longer want to involve myself in relationships not because I am still waiting for her, but because I want to heal completely.

I want to become a secure version of myself to someday attract a person who is ready and willing to commit, someone who can love me the way I love.

For now, this diary will still exist but no longer about her.

From now on, this will be the story of my daily life.

[blogdiaryofme]

October

Lately, I’ve been struggling with my emotions. I’ve had so many ups and downs. I went AWOL at the pharmacy because of the toxic environment. I ended up avoiding everyone, even though I knew it would never help me move forward or become a better version of myself while staying in that kind of place.

Enough about that let’s talk about the purpose of this diary.

Recently, I’ve been having a huge conflict within myself. It feels like my brain and my heart are constantly fighting. Eventually, though, I started becoming numb to my emotions. I began opening my social media again, posting whatever I wanted without thinking about how she would see me. I stopped thinking of ways to make her fall for me again. Slowly, I became numb to the pain.

I don’t know if that means I don’t love her anymore, but I’m slowly accepting that no matter what I do no matter how I show myself to her there will never be a chance for us again. I’m accepting the fact that she’s more willing to get to know other people than choose me as her partner. Eventually, I got tired. Tired of begging, tired of forcing things to happen.

Around October 9, 2025, I remember wondering who hurt her so deeply. Was it Jane? She already knew that Jane only saw her as a friend. If I were still the same girl I used to be, I would’ve felt shy and started assuming it was about me. She posted a cryptic quote:

“The pain is the testament to how deeply we loved and were loved in return.” – Joe D’Mango

Of course, I knew I should brush off the idea that it was meant for me. But part of me still hoped it was.

On October 11, 2025, she posted another cryptic message:

“Stop carrying old feelings into new experiences. Leave the past in the past. What is meant for you is already happening. Be patient and trust the process. Not everything that is happening is good, but everything will work out in your favor eventually.”

And yes, I assumed again that maybe it was for me. Maybe she was justifying her decision maybe she truly didn’t want to feel anything for me anymore. Then my brain shut down my delusional thoughts. It told me: Why would she feel heartbroken over you? Since the day she left, she hasn’t cared. She keeps her distance because that’s your answer. Her coldness is proof that you’re no longer important in her life.

Sometimes my thoughts get cruel. I tell myself that I’m just something she discarded someone who kept clinging even after being pushed away so many times.

Then October 14 came. She reposted something on TikTok:

“I’m not the type to talk about what I feel. Even if something bothers me, I’d rather keep quiet. Even when I’m hurt, I’d rather step back than explain why. Maybe that’s why people think I don’t care and that everything’s fine with me. But the truth is, I notice everything. I just don’t say it but I feel it all.”

At that point, I wanted to reach out and comfort her, remind her that she’s worth love that she’s worth everything. But I remembered that instead of being comfort, I might just become a burden. So I stayed silent and kept my distance. I knew she was struggling I just didn’t know with whom. I’ll be honest: I hoped it was about me.

But then reality hit again. How could she feel heartache toward me when for almost three years I kept pushing myself toward her? Maybe she was broken because of someone else. I envied that person the one she loved the way I had hoped to be loved.

On October 15, she posted another quote:

“Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows.” 🤍

I wanted to believe it was meant for me. But I knew it wasn’t.

So on October 16, I decided to reach out just in case she wanted someone to talk to. I wasn’t trying to make her fall for me again. My care and love would always stay; I was just accepting that I was no longer wanted. I was careful with my words, trying to be uplifting and positive, even though I was scared to talk to her. I didn’t want to burden her anymore.

We ended up having a good conversation that day. Part of me was happy. Part of me hoped again. Then she became cold once more and left me on read. I knew it would happen. I was already used to it. Her coldness had become a routine one I’d learned to be okay with.

I started putting in less effort. I became careless about what I posted and what I said to her.

Around October 21, 2025, I almost sent her a goodbye video. I couldn’t handle my emotions anymore. I had already said goodbye to my family. The video wasn’t meant to make her sad it was meant to let her know that I wouldn’t exist anymore. Even while drowning in my own pain, I was still thinking about hers. I didn’t send it. My sister told me how selfish it would be, how devastated our father would be if I was gone.

Then on October 22, 2025, I heard about Emman’s passing. I struggled deeply during that time. I envied her she no longer felt the pain I was trapped in. And somehow, I survived again. I always survive.

I tried asking for reassurance one last time, just to see if you still cared. But I already knew the answer. You never failed to make me feel unwanted. So I stopped not because I no longer wanted you, but because this time, I needed myself.

Sometimes I wonder: What if you gave me another chance? What if instead of pushing me away, we chose to know each other more, to open up together? I’m not afraid to take risks. I never was especially with you. I was more than willing to be part of your life.

But maybe it’s time to stop hoping.

Little by little, my numbness feels lighter now. It’s no longer heavy just longing. Maybe sooner or later I’ll be okay. I just hope the best for both of us.

From waiting to hear you say “I love you too,” to living a life where we’re no longer part of each other’s stories now, when you talk to me, it feels like I’m speaking to a friend I deeply care about. And when we don’t talk, I’ve accepted that you’re simply happier without my presence.

So I choose to live a life for myself now and no longer hope for us.

[blogdiaryofme]

Dear Love,

I’ve been wanting to tell you how I feel. I want you to know that I am still here, still waiting for your love. I’m still waiting for you to see that I am also worthy of taking a risk on. But in the process, I am hurting from your distance. You often make me feel unwanted, and sometimes I feel ashamed to approach you anymore. There are moments when I want to give up, but I don’t because I know you are worth the pain and the risk.

You grow colder day by day, and you make me feel as though my presence no longer matters to you. I love you, my love. I hope you don’t only see my flaws; I hope you also see my worth. I keep giving hints that I still care about you, but you probably brush them off.

My love, I miss us. I miss the 2020 version of us. Even if you didn’t truly love me back then maybe you were just bored with life and I was the one who was there to entertain you I still miss what we had. I don’t know if I caused you pain that pushed you away. Did I do something wrong for you to hate me like this?

I keep enduring the pain, to the point where I sometimes wake up feeling numb, as if all my emotions have shut down. I cry every night because I know you are no longer the girl I fell in love with. I’m struggling to let you go. I still want you to feel loved the love you once wanted to receive from me. But maybe now, you want that love from someone else.

When you said you were ready to enter a relationship, I acted like I was fine. But you probably didn’t know my hands were shaking and I was crying at that moment, even as I joked and laughed with you. In my mind, all I could think was: So she’s ready to get to know other girls. Maybe I am the bad one. Maybe I really am unwanted so easy for you to forget us. That is what I envy the most.

I never wanted you to feel the pain I felt. I never wanted you to experience what I went through. You deserve to be loved. Maybe there was a time in your life when you felt you didn’t deserve love, but all I ever wanted was for you to feel it at least from me. I wanted you to know you were not easy for me to let go of, even when you made me feel the opposite of what I gave to you.

If you ask me why I still feel this way, it’s because I know there is still kindness inside you. I know the girl I fell for is still there. Life changed you your attitude, your experiences and my pain will stay with me until the right time comes. One day, I will tell you everything I truly feel.

Until then, I am still loving you, and still waiting for you.

[blogdiaryofme]

September

I decided to send one last long message to her.

“I’ve been thinking a lot assessing myself, the situation, and my emotions. If I’m not mistaken, maybe the reason you don’t want me as your partner aside from the guilt from the past that you mentioned is because you don’t want me to be emotionally dependent on you. I guess you’ve seen my weaknesses, how fragile I still am. Psychology even says that exes don’t like it when their ex is still emotionally attached… though that’s just a theory, haha. I could be totally wrong, of course 😅

I realize I can still be fragile sometimes 😅 but I’m working on being more balanced and independent. I just wanted you to know I thought I’d share this before taking a little break to focus on myself. Catch up soon! 🤗

Sorry for being too emotional and heavy these past few weeks… or days, I’m not so sure 🤣 doodles 👋🏻”

That was the exact message I sent.

My heart felt heavy, but I knew I needed to distance myself. She kept making it clear that I was unwanted, that my presence was unnecessary. She always made me feel unlovable.

So in September, I became silent. I was struggling personally, trying to move on and not think of her. I took a part-time job at a pharmacy, but life there was miserable. Everyone kept talking about me because I had finished college they saw me as a competitor. New issues came up day by day. Someone even stole my money. It was exhausting.

What I noticed is that every time I decided to forget about her, the worst things happened in my life.

The last time, I dated another girl, but she gave me even deeper insecurities. She kept pointing out my looks, saying things like, “Your ex doesn’t want you because you’re fat,” or “You’re easy to leave behind look at her having fun with Jane.” And now, at my part-time job, people keep ruining my reputation. I’ve grown lazier about going to work, all because I’m trying to forget my feelings. Haha.

Anyway, even in my silence and while keeping myself busy, I still think of her.

Is she okay now?

Does she even realize I stopped begging for her?

Does she miss my presence, or does she feel relieved that I’m gone?

My thoughts still revolve around her, even while I’m struggling with my own life.

Around September 27, 2025, I couldn’t control myself and decided to casually check in after the typhoon. She responded in a way that made it obvious she didn’t miss my presence at all. She was still cold and distant.

I kept my positive vibe even though I was hurting inside. I know she could probably feel the heavy energy behind my laughter and jokes. I even joked about going to Pampanga on my birthday. I said it jokingly, but deep down I hoped to see her in person. Maybe if we talked things through, she’d realize she missed me the way I missed her. Maybe she’d realize she still wanted me the way I wanted her.

But of course, she gently pushed me away again. She always makes sure I know my presence is unwelcome.

She left me on read.

I was hurting, but slowly I became numb. It felt like I was getting used to the pain at the same time. I still miss her. I still want her. I still love her. But I can’t show those emotions to her anymore. No matter how careful I am with my actions and messages, I’m always pushed away.

I don’t know what to feel anymore. Honestly, numbness is the only word I can find. I can’t feel pain the way I used to but I can’t feel emotions either.

So I searched why people feel numb after being hurt for a long time. Psychology says the brain releases chemicals through neurotransmitters that shut down emotions to protect us from long-term trauma. It doesn’t mean you’re healing; it just means your brain has learned to hide the pain. And once that pain is released all at once, it can cause deeper emotional damage.

That’s why I keep journaling to avoid imprisoning my pain. But even journaling feels like I’m losing my emotions.

If someone asks me, “Do you still love her?”

My answer is yes I still do. But part of me is tired of begging her to realize that my love is worth the risk.

If someone asks me, “Why do you love her?”

Honestly, I don’t know. Maybe because despite her bad sides, I still remember the fragile girl inside her the girl who cried at the thought of losing me. I know that girl is probably long gone now, but even I am questioning my own emotions.

I’m slowly keeping myself busy, but oh boy she’s still living in my head, rent-free.

[blogdiaryofme]

Let’s be honest hormones are really weird. One day, I feel like confessing to her, filled with this excited, delusional happiness at the idea that she might want me too. I keep waiting for the right time. Then, all of a sudden, I remember how she made my life miserable with her empty apologies and the constant presence of Jane.

I say empty apologies for a reason.

First, she said she was sorry and claimed to feel guilty, yet she still blamed me for how everything ended. Yes, I admit I changed. I became a nagger. I became possessive. I kept reminding her of her mistakes. But let’s talk about why I became that way.

She made me feel like Jane was more important than me. Even though I was her girlfriend, she made me feel like she could lose me but never Jane. She never blamed Jane for anything. It felt like she only ever saw my mistakes.

In my head, I was just protecting our relationship. But she made me feel like she loved Jane more than she loved me. That led to my hatred for Jane. Deep down, I wished Jane would experience what I was forced to endure. Of course, my ex would never see what she did wrong. To her, I was the villain the suffocating, controlling one. It felt like she was afraid of the truth, so she blamed me just to avoid feeling guilty about what really happened inside that camp.

I was always the one at fault never Jane.

I hated Jane. I wanted her to feel what I felt. I hoped that one day, someone would make her experience the same pain she put me through.

You know what’s funny? While she was inside the camp, I kept avoiding people who liked me. I told everyone I was waiting for her. I couldn’t wait for my love to graduate I imagined hugging her tightly, excited beyond words. I even told my friends I couldn’t imagine my life without her.

Turns out, she couldn’t live without Jane.

This chapter of my life is filled with hatred toward Jane. I blamed her for what happened to our relationship. But deep down, I know I can’t blame Jane alone. I also have to acknowledge my ex’s actions she let everything happen, knowing I could read those hurtful comments.

Sometimes I imagine switching places. What if she had seen someone leaving those kinds of comments about me? She would’ve ended the relationship immediately no explanations given. Or maybe she would’ve flirted with someone else while I was inside the camp. Who knows?

I stayed loyal. I stayed faithful. And in return, I experienced the worst pain I’ve ever known pain I could barely endure.

And yet, I don’t hate her. In fact, what’s strange is that I don’t want her to experience the emotions I’m feeling now. I don’t want her to feel this pain. I don’t want her to suffer the way I did.

Her apologies will always feel empty because she truly believes she did nothing wrong. All she sees are my flaws. Sometimes I feel like she doesn’t actually hate me she hates the truth. She keeps running from it.

The truth is, she and Jane did me dirty. No matter how much she covers it up by pointing out everything ugly about me, the truth remains painful. And because she can’t face it, she hides from it by blaming me for everything, so she doesn’t have to feel responsible for what they did to me.

[blogdiaryofme]

"Random Thoughts"

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. She keeps telling me that Jane is only her best friend but what if the real reason for our breakup is that she had feelings for Jane, and Jane ended up telling her she only sees her as a friend? And just like me, she became content to stay, even while hurting. Or maybe I’m just making up stories in my head.

I’ve also been hyper-imagining scenarios today. Like, what if one day I see her deeply in love with a new girl the kind of love I never experienced from her? What if I was just character development for her, preparing her to love someone else properly? That would be tragic but almost poetic on my side, because I can’t see myself wanting anyone anymore but her.

That’s why I keep thinking of new strategies to make her fall for me again. I admit, sometimes I become delusional. What if I confess my feelings again and she’s just waiting for me to do so? What if she knows what she did wrong and just wants me to move first? What if we end up having a stronger relationship than before?

What if I have the courage to tell her that I’m still in love with her and that I still want her?

But I’m scared. What if she doesn’t feel anything anymore? What if she doesn’t want me at all and only sees me as someone she dated in the past? I’d look like a fool all over again for wanting her.

What if she’s just “settling” as Jane’s best friend but is secretly in love with her? I can’t blame her Jane has a sexy body, and I don’t. I feel insecure about myself whenever I think of Jane.

I hate her so much. If only she had kept her distance and stopped making those hurtful, flirty comments, I wouldn’t feel this jealous. But I’m also mad at my ex, because she keeps saying she didn’t do anything wrong since Jane is “only a best friend.” Does she even know how much it’s killing me to think of them together in that fucking camp 24/7 even taking baths together? Does she know how it made me feel crazy, being far away, having no proper communication with her, then reading those comments and seeing their actions together?

Yes, maybe Jane was her comfort person at the time, but did she ever stop to think about how I would feel?

I saw so many couples during the camp reconciling or giving their partners reassurance. But during graduation, all she made me feel was that she liked Jane more than me.

And that hurts.

I’m still mad.

[blogdiaryofme]

"Random thoughts for today."

I’m starting to feel weird since yesterday, March 29, 2025. I know she became open yesterday, but she went a little distant again. I’m starting to think I did or said something that might have upset her. I keep blaming myself whenever she feels distant. Was I not careful with my actions again? Does she not want my love?

All I want is for her to love me again. Am I that difficult to love? Or maybe my love is so suffocating that she started disliking me. Tell me if someone were to read this on a random day, do you think that if a person loves you so much, they would move on and forget their feelings for you just like that? That the years you spent together mean nothing to her anymore?

She made me feel unwanted, but I still want her to feel wanted even though I’m the only one holding on to this idea of us. I’m still hoping she’ll see my worth and know that I stayed even when she pushed me away. I feel like a fool for constantly thinking of ways to make her fall for me again. Am I forcing things to happen?

I’m starting to think negatively again like, what if I were completely gone and went to paradise? Would that make her fall for me again? Would she remember my name as the person who did everything just to make her feel genuinely loved? Is my love really suffocating? Unwanted?

I feel like I keep hurting myself. I want her; she doesn’t want me, and she makes sure I feel that. Sometimes I feel like she’s just toying with me, playing with my emotions. I’m very careful with her emotions, but sometimes my energy feels so heavy that I want to avoid her. I really do. Maybe avoiding her would finally make her happy far from me. Maybe my existence is the problem.

I wish I never knew her. Everything hurts. I can’t locate what’s hurting, but everything feels blurry and painful.

[blogdiaryofme]

Dear Love,

It’s 11:32 pm as I’m writing this, and honestly, I don’t even know what to say anymore. Maybe this is my quiet way of saying “goodbye for now.” I decided to give myself a 30-day challenge instead of reaching out and bothering you, I’ll just write everything down here. My thoughts, my vulnerabilities, all the things I wanted to tell you.

I already miss you, but lately my mind feels so messy. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder about you and Jane… and maybe it’s just my insecurities playing with me. It hurts, though, because sometimes it feels like I’m being pushed aside, like I don’t know where I stand. My heart breaks quietly asking: what should I think? what should I feel?

I get tired, but I still miss you. Sometimes I ask myself: why not me? Am I not enough? Am I unlovable? I try to let go, but there’s still this small hope that won’t leave.

[blogdiaryofme]

Dear Love,

Today is August 26, 2025. I finally found the courage to delete every conversation we had on Telegram. I feel sorry for myself for always pushing for answers about why you don’t want me anymore. I saw myself begging again, going back to the version of me you probably grew to dislike.

I asked myself why I wasn’t allowed to talk to you or call you when you were at home. I remember Jane… and I wondered if she was really the reason. I still don’t know what kind of relationship you both had. I wanted so badly to deny my thoughts and just believe you that you were single, that nothing was going on. But honestly, I ended up feeling like a side piece, begging for you to come back.

I’m tired of myself for doing that, which is why I deleted everything. Maybe I am too pushy. I don’t mind waiting, but I realized that waiting this way only makes me lower myself more. And that’s exhausting.

This is the hardest part feeling tired, yet still craving those small conversations we had. I keep questioning if there’s something wrong with me, if that’s the reason you don’t want me anymore. Writing this at least lets me release some of those emotions. I’ve always been honest with what I feel, and right now, I need to admit I’m not okay. I’m in pain, and I have to acknowledge that.

For now, my love, I’ll keep my distance until I’m ready to face this pain again. Maybe that’s my kind of crazy holding on until the day I finally get tired of waiting and hurting myself.

[blogdiaryofme]

Dear Love,

Talking to you yesterday made me realize how much my emotions sometimes get the best of me. I try to be careful with my words because I know you can feel overwhelmed, but still, I end up saying things that come straight from my heart.

I noticed that after my confession, you became a little more distant. You said “sorry,” and I believe you meant it, but the distance is still there. Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder… maybe I’m too available for you, maybe that’s why you don’t feel the need to care or love me the way you once did. And honestly, I find myself asking questions I shouldn’t: Am I not pretty enough? Am I not lovable? Is there something wrong with me?

The truth is, I almost told you, “I’d wait.” You misunderstood it as something else, and maybe that was for the best, but deep down, that’s really what I meant 'I’ll wait until you’re ready for me again.'

I’ve written letters that you’ll probably never read, but writing them helps me let out the emotions I carry for you. It’s my way of loving you quietly, without burdening you.

Love, I don’t know when or if I should give up. I’m afraid that if I stop reaching out, I’ll lose you completely. But at the same time, I also feel the need to step back sometimes, even if my heart won’t let me.

I love you, but I know I can’t force you to love me back. All I can do is keep loving you in the way I know how, patiently, gently, and without expectations.

[blogdiaryofme]

Dear Love,

Today feels so heavy. After I confessed again that I still love you even after almost three years since you left you’ve grown distant once more. It brought back the same pain I felt in April 2023, as if you’re shutting the door on me again.

Maybe it was too soon to say it. Maybe I should have held it back. Sometimes you show care, little gestures that make me believe you still care but maybe those are just my assumptions, my hope interpreting things that aren’t really there.

My mind tells me to move on, to stop reaching out, to let you go and allow you to find happiness whether with someone else or simply on your own. And yet, my heart refuses to listen.

Maybe this sounds cringey, but I know one day, when I look back and reread these letters, I’ll probably laugh at myself for how deeply, stubbornly, and painfully I loved you. It’s been a while now, but I still can’t date anyone else. I’m afraid of hurting them, afraid that when I look at them, I’ll only be searching for pieces of you.

Our last conversation after my confession was so blunt, and yes it hurt. I can’t deny that. I told myself I didn’t expect anything, but deep down, I still hoped. I hoped you might see that I am worthy of love too that I am the same person who stood by you, even in your lowest moments, when you had no job and nothing to lean on but yourself.

My love, is it wrong for me to love you this much? Am I too much? You never made me feel ugly, but your distance has made me question myself. Am I unworthy? Unlovable? Not worth the risk?

I don’t know when I’ll stop. My mind insists I should let go, stop chasing, and finally move forward but my heart still longs for you.

So I write here. I pour my feelings into these letters, hoping one day I’ll look back and smile instead of cry. Maybe one day, you’ll read them too not with guilt, not with heaviness, but with understanding.

I love you, dearly.

And even through your silence, your distance, and the walls you put up I always will.

[blogdiaryofme]

August 21, 2025

Dear Love,

It’s been a while since I last wrote. I’ve been busy, and though we’ve had some interactions, I know deep down I’m the one keeping our conversations alive as if I’m the only one who truly needs them. Maybe that’s just the truth now.

Today is August 21, 2025.

I still remember June our video call that was one of my happiest moments. I even wrote you a long letter about it (though I set it for 2028, so I’ve already forgotten the details 😅).

On July 29, I confessed my feelings again. I didn’t expect anything back I just needed to be honest, especially after losing my three pets. The pain reminded me of that saying: “Taking a risk is better than living with regret.” So I took that risk and told you the truth: after all these years, almost three now, I still love you.

I love you enough to stay even if it hurts enough to accept your distance, your short replies, or sometimes even silence. I try to keep things light and casual, even when I’m the only one pushing the conversation forward.

After my confession, you grew distant again. Maybe that’s your way of protecting yourself. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just love you quietly from afar, to simply watch you be happy even without me. Maybe I am the problem, or maybe it’s just reality: you don’t love me anymore.

Still, I stayed.

I stayed because a part of me keeps hoping, even if I never say it out loud. I hold myself back from telling you: “I’ll wait for you, my love until you’re ready to open your heart again.”

Love, even with the distance, even with the silence… I want you to know this:

I still love you.

And I always will.

One day, if you ever read all of these letters, I hope it won’t bring guilt or sadness only understanding. I hope by then we can talk freely, with open hearts, and maybe even share a smile about the past.