Poetry Things

I write sometimes and post less than that.

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Double-edged Sword

It felt good to make you uncomfortable To make you feel even a fraction of my pain and grief Satisfaction grew in my gut like infection in an open wound And I was happy, but I wasn’t

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To call you a tool would be a compliment. That would at least imply you have a purpose or a use. You’re like reading glasses for a blind man. You make no sense.

-July 2, 2018

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I looked into your ocean eyes and fell like I had been pushed with my arms outstretched to catch against ground that wasn’t there I plunged into a world of new physics wading in the density of your water time slow like honey an initial bite of sweetness against my tongue You were a looking glass that distorted reality The rippling surface shifting light and color Sounds muffled from the cozy insulation of you I couldn’t breathe immersed in you

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I love the taste of tragedy maybe if I sate my tongue with somebody else’s I’ll stop seeking my own

I try to heal my hurts with yours

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You only want to hear good things About the person you think you love You don’t want to think That the rest of the world knows him Better than you do You want to believe him But that’s the worst part, isn’t it? You want to believe him ?

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I understand what it feels like to be empty to wake up feeling like a ghost in your own body to get lost in all your nothing. Your body works mindlessly everything on autopilot Don’t think, just do. You forget that your body isn’t a bot You forget how to take care of yourself You don’t eat or shower or brush your teeth You feel like you’re decomposing while you’re alive You try to fill your empty with old hobbies try to find meaning in anything at all but nothing soaks in. You aren’t present in your own body.

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Call of the Void

You don’t know that when I cross the bridge I look out at the water and yearn before walking past.

Each breath I take in is a breath of relief and torture because I am still alive

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Some days I’m only alive because it takes more effort to actively die than to passively live

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With your cheek pressed against me like this I can feel you smile And suddenly I know what happiness feels like

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Check your mailbox I’ve sent you my heart still beating Devour it so that you can draw from me courage and power take them to be yours and let me strengthen you

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Once and Future

In another life when we first meet I feel your touch travel from the skin to the soul I remember you and fall in love. it’s as unconscious as my smile at your presence It happens without my permission, my heart as impulsive as ever in all matters that pertain to you. You’re a celestial being and I’m caught in your gravitation We are cut from the same cloth, two sides of a coin My soul knows yours as it is my own.

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In the middle of the night when even God sleeps and all things are still except my heart and yours I want to be quiet with your silence I’ll hold my breath just to hear yours a whispering proof of love, that you were loved before me the concept of you loved enough to beget the creation of you. I’ll lie next to the warm expanse of your back full of wonder and awe that I found myself next to you.

-June 25, 2018

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Have you ever held an earthquake inside your heart? Your seams shake apart cotton spills out and your fabric collapses Tectonic plates of anxiety crushing against and upon another Your earth paralyzed, stalemated A still force tension and no movement Rigid and brittle

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Butterfly Soul

The soul started out so small an inch-long caterpillar so new to the world with no idea how to live only knowing to eat its surroundings become one with something bigger than itself Taking so much in that it almost hurts a little on the inside Taking so much in until you need to withdraw rest harden yourself to the outside world Break yourself down and process what became of you and then rebuild shed the flaws of your past and emerge winged and glorious And only when you become what you meant to be do you live your life to the fullest only when life is most beautiful do you not anticipate impending death

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Too Close

You’re a little too close to him, a little too similar I want your attention affection friendship. You’re a little too cool for me I’m a little too selfish too jealous too needy. You’re a little too close to my heart.

-Jan 21, 2018

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Lasso

There’s a “fuck you” tucked behind my yellowed picket-fence teeth My tongue lassoed the sound before they could go off like firecrackers loud and heated and short-lived. I hold that raging bull by the horns My grip is tenuous I want to let it loose to let it tear through your words and get to you. I know how to turn my words into arrows I know how to make it hurt while keeping myself distant and senseless to your pain But I blunt the arrowheads I tranquilize the bull I defuse the firecrackers I lasso the words.

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Teach me how to be alive I’ve been dead inside for so long I’ve never had childhood dreams or childlike wonder Just blandly going through the days an endless blur of motions I don’t feel real in this world I don’t feel real in my body It’s all imaginary My past, present, future my thoughts and feelings Am I living in a pocket dimension right next to yours? Pull me into your world and light the candle of my cold lantern body. I want to feel real.

--Jan 21, 2018