Welcome to My Life

Married to a Gay Man

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Why are you still married to a gay man?

We are separated now. I just haven’t gotten a divorce yet. He left pretty recently.

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Reason I don’t get dates:

I am technically married.

I make snarky remarks when people hit on me.

I tell them I am not ready.

I make excuses why I can’t go.

Secretly I would love to go on a date. Just scared to. I don’t want to love again. Love leads to pain.

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Emptiness consumes me lately. I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel angry anymore, and honestly I have no tears left to give. I am empty. I am currently trying to pull myself out of this funk that I have stumbled my way into. I think that’s why I am back on here today. Well that and the lack of work I have to do today. I have been crying out for help to my Lord and I know he hears me, but I am not patient and I want to be better now. Why isn’t that how it works? Why can’t things magically resolve on it’s own. HA. That would be great. Wake up one morning and life is perfect.

Alone.. That’s how I feel. I can sit in a room full of people and I still feel alone. I can laugh and keep conversation as  if nothing is wrong, but inside I am dying. I just want to be loved. Like truly loved. I want the kind of relationship that only happens in movies. Where’s my Danny Zuko? To be honest, he’s probably lost somewhere. Maybe he’s closer than I think. Who knows. 

Unmotivated.. I do not want to do anything. If I could lay in my bed and not move all day. That would be ideal.. Kids, my job, and my puppy don’t really let that happen. So I go to work reluctantly and do my role in society. 

If you feel this way talk to me because same. We can feel this way together

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Oh wow, it’s been a while. Honestly I considered deleting this. I didn’t though because I know that I feel better after venting to whomever decides to take the time out of their day to listen to me. I had a conversation with my husband the other night. It really got to me. He and his new man are having problems. He is now struggling to know if he chose the right path for him. His man is cheating on him. Part of me knows that any sane person wouldn’t feel bad for him. I mean he cheated on me, you know? Like he chose to leave me after that. Then came back saying that he lied and he does like women I just didn’t offer him enough.. but of course I am who I am and I talked him through it. This only destroyed me emotionally.

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To the few that read this here’s an update on my life.

My husband and his new man have decided they want the house we got together. They’re going to pay for my deposit to move, so now I’m looking at a trailer. What an improvement right? I still can’t sleep at night. Memories play in my head. Watching him hold our son while they finished up my c-section. Staying up talking because he drank enough beer to fully enjoy my company. He used to ask me to go everywhere with him. How did I get it so wrong? Why is it I’m starting over again? These are the thoughts that haunt my mind at night. I miss him like crazy. He just posted a new profile picture on Facebook. Of him and his new man. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I want to like his boyfriend. I know that one day I’ll have to put in the effort, but even though it was going to end at some point. He was the one that stood in the way of my marriage. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

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So I just put my rings back on for a moment and I really didn’t think it’d be this hard.

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Talking with my husband today has been super difficult. He misses our family and I miss him... What do you do though? Watching him date is too hard. I can’t handle it. I love him too much

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This is year feels harder than the rest. Christmas  feels weird. A few months ago I thought this year was gonna be different. I was finally going to have a whole family. Last night I sat up alone wrapping the kids presents for the 6th year in a row. I miss him.

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Shopping for my husband got so much harder. I know what he likes... but like... went to hobby lobby, one of his favorite places, and everything I’d normally pick out for him I couldn’t get.. they all expressed how much I love him. I haven’t seen him in a week. It feels wrong.

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I hate you. I love you. I hate you for making me love you. I hate you for the lies. I hate you for making me change my whole life for you. I hate that you knew from the beginning that you didn’t love me. I hate you. I hate that I can’t be mad at you or show how upset I am because regardless I know you are going through a lot. I hate you for being everything I thought I wanted. I hate you for making me feel like less than I am worth. I hate I didn’t notice. I love you. I love you for the way you love my daughter. I love you for the way you looked at our son the day he was born. I love you for asking me to be yours by posting our relationship on Facebook. I love you for the good nights we had where we would stay up late and talk about life experiences. I hate that you lied to me so many times before telling me. I hate that you couldn’t look me in the eyes when you married me. I hate that I still married you anyways. I hate you, but I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. I wish things were different. I wish you could love me the way I love you. I am so glad that you are happy but just know.. part of me hates you. I  mostly hate you for making me a coward who hides behind a keyboard.. venting anonymously to people I don’t know.

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SEX. SEX. SEX. Everything leads to sex. Why is that the world we live in? Where’s the romance. I know I am not a super model, but I’m not an ugly person either. Why is it that I can’t get someone who wants more from  me than just sex?! I love sex a lot please don’t get me wrong, but why is it the finish line now? Why do we have a finish line? Shouldn’t we want to grow together, learn together, and live together?

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So far in my new dating life😂😅 umm where do I start. I really really like this guy. He’s sweet and funny. He loves board games and we always have a great time together, but of course he’s scared because I have kids. Feels pointless. Like he won’t come around to that idea.

So I keep looking... no fucking luck guys. All guys seem to want from me is sex. One guy wants be to be completely submissive to him.. one guy is 18 years older than me. And every guy wants me naked right away. I did get a massage the other day. That was nice.

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Now it’s so real. Spending nights alone with the kids. I really thought I was done dating, but now I just want someone to watch dumb tv series with and be excited about life with.

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I hear the phrase wife material a lot. Tell me, what makes someone wife material?

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Christmas is in the air! Finally put up my decorations with the kids last night. Honestly. It was exhausting.

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Update on my life:

My husband moved out. Things are strange and nothing makes any sense. I just want something to feel normal again