[expensiversace]

𝓶𝓸𝓸𝓭𝓫𝓸𝓪𝓻𝓭:  𝓈𝓊𝓃𝓀𝒾𝓈𝓈𝑒𝒹

[cosmicvngel]

[blood-soup]

Saturday 18th April 2020

Decided I'm gonna seek some help for my mental health.  Its been long enough of self medicating my anxiety attacks with alcohol. Only issue is, I've decided this 553km away from home, after losing my job, in the middle of a pandemic. 

Timing is perfect, as usual. 

[kalikulah]

[diosesgay]

[blood-soup]

Thursday 16th April 2020 8.09am

Had another anxiety attack yesterday which resulted in an alcohol binge. I honestly just want to scream. I’m tired all the time, i’m scared all the time, i feel like there is a million things i’ve forgotten to do and am now late for, i feel like i’m walking through my life on glass. I honestly feel like i’ve been drunk every night for months now.

I just want to be alone so i can sober up, cry it all out, and sort shit out for myself. My head is a mess - i’m so tired i need to sleep all the time, but all the sleeping is wasting time i should be doing important uni work, so i dont get the uni work done and have a panic attack and the only thing that brings be down again is alcohol. I believe what they call this is ‘self medicating’. 

I might need to start cultivating some happy, healthy behaviours - this is honestly killing me. 

[nomediocre]

[blood-soup]

ugh, literally all I’ve done today is sit around and think about how ugly I am.

[blood-soup]

Tuesday 14th April 2020, 3.50pm

Dude COVID got me all sorts of fucked up. My gym is closed, I'm unmotivated, I'm anxious as fuck, and all I've done is eat and be drunk.  I would just love to not feel ugly and fat for a change. 

Its been so long since I felt hot. I just crave that feeling again. Problem is it certainly doesn't happen over-night, and I just cannot stand another second in my own skin. Like, at the moment there is absolutely nothing about myself that I like, from personality to body to face.  Worst thing is it has affected my sex life massively - how the hell am I supposed to have a sex drive when I don't want to be seen naked? My insecurities are not just affecting me anymore. 

Heading to Jindabyne tonight and planning on turning that into a little fat camp/uni cram session/self love retreat, full of meditation, exercise, uni work and salad; no alcohol, no carbs, no fatty foods, no procrastinating and especially no more god damn excuses. 

This was supposed to be my fucking year. 

[ckliwy]

[blood-soup]

[battling-my-demons]

Nobody likes you when you’re depressed. That’s just real. Y’all can sit here and try to tweet sympathetic shit about mental health but in reality, depressed people get categorized with negativity/toxicity and just drown in their own shit because people don’t wanna deal with it.

[fightingborderline]

I feel like I am not enough and too much at the same time

[canadaloveselena]

[blood-soup]

Serving up God in a burnt coffee pot for the triad..

[itaintyourbusinessdarling]

Beauty.

[blood-soup]

Ten Minutes

Ten minutes.  Ten minutes, and life has started. Cells turn over Character is settled Gender is disputed. Ten minutes.

Ten minutes. Seven minutes Mother  Fighting the wind with candle flame Two minutes, fifty one seconds of song Five seconds of breath Four more of gratitude: You thank the Sun.

Ten minutes. Ten minutes to kiss Swap heavy breaths  Rip my clothes off Taste your neck. How could you possibly be so lucky? Ten minutes.

Ten minutes Ten minutes of unpacking And I’m already collapsed on the bed Laughing While you strum my rib cage Like the most beautiful harp Your fingertips Have ever had the privilege to play.

Ten minutes of conversation With people you don't know Even though you know them -  You don't know them. They know each other. They don't know you. They don't take the time. Ten minutes; Its exhausting.

Ten minutes. Feels like an hour. Another hour Upon the others Empty Without depth or truth And as for home? More uninteresting and stable Than the floor boards he walks on.

Ten minutes Now feels like a lifetime. When you’re stuck in one place.

Oh God.

It’s just so empty in here

Ten years

Of knowing what’s going to happen one day

Researched and observed

Speculated and avoided

And now

Not one more second of wondering.

How long can a human body

Stay underwater

Without oxygen?

Ten minutes. Ten minutes. - Amber Allan

[spiritualconsciousness]

This is what we really used to be.

[blood-soup]

To the Bones.

I was happiest most

In my own company.

It was quiet there.

Honest.

It was organic.

It grew, like a thick, lush, nourished floor

The way the undergrowth carpets a rainforest.

It smelled of earth.

Of raw dirt.

Of self love.

My self love shines

Blinding the male gaze.

My worth stood on two mountain tops

My own legs

My own feet

Held me up, alone.

Until you picked me up

Off my feet

Off my legs

Off my mountain tops

And held me for awhile.

As the days move past

You grow tired; I am heavy.

Heavy with the weight of my ‘me-ness’

Reality and humanity,

Authenticity is a cinderblock

Till one day you will drop me.

I hit the ground, hard,

And I’ll crack.

In the same way I’ve cracked

When others have dropped me before:

Because there is no undergrowth here.

It rotted away

While you were holding me,

As I was not there

To nourish it.

“It’ll be different this time”

“I want you whole,

As you are

Every piece -

Cuz I’m not like the others.”

In the end it’s all the same

When you simmer it right down

To the bones.

- Amber Allan

[blood-soup]

Friday 12th April 2019 7.16am I have always approached life with the notion that impermanence is the only permanent; that the only thing we can be certain of is that things - circumstances, frienships, ownership of possessions like money, and situations both good and bad - always come to an end. Birth and death and rebirth are all just part of life. But it doesn't always mean its not painful or uncomfortable.  My best friend in the whole wide world, J, and I had a massive falling out recently. Mainly due to a few choice circumstances that led to a conversation about the way she handles things and the fact that a lot of her problem come from the fact that there are certain internalised issues that she hasn't addressed because she's terrified of not being perfectly in control. But anyways.  People ask for honesty for better or worse and then crumble up an die when the honesty is hard to swallow, and its a blessing and a curse because its now entirely out of my hands. At the same time I feel like I haven't done myself a disservice; if loving my best friend enough to hit her with some home truths that everyone else is to scared or can't be bothered to tell her, then so be it. She always said she didn't do shallow friendships, but apparently thats just another thing she's in denial about. 

Its a difficult situation because she's also going through a bad mental health time, and so im unsure how to go about this. Do I forcibly support her despite her wanting me gone because I know what she needs now more than anything is love and support, or do I give her the space she needs to sort her shit out an risk having her feel like when it comes down to it nobody is there for her?  I tried to apologise for upsetting her and move past it but she just holds onto shit so tightly, and never recovers from anything. Holding onto the negative must be so exhausting, and its caused a lot of issues within her life and within her mind.  I feel I'm in the midst of a highly transitional period where many things are shifting and moving. This happens occasionally where my life slate gets wiped clean, making room for new growth. Birth by fires never easy.