I RELEASE WHAT NO LONGER SERVES ME.

xavier, 21, aquarius ☆ musings and pretentious self deprecation. relearning self destruction in an adult body. listening to 'me and my husband', mitski.

[mesogios-deactivated20230120]

“I am obsessive. I contain nothing but the replay. / I am blood and blood and replay.”

— Lisa Marie Basile, from “I Put the Coffin Out to Sea,” published in OCCULUM (via lifeinpoetry)

[bloodandbloodandreplay]

is there any way to explain why your singing voice brings me to tears? how do I explain that the only reason I can look at myself is so that I can pick out the fragments of myself that could appeal the best to you, and present them like a cadaver carved up on a silver platter? can I look you in the eyes? oh please, look into mine.

[die-rosastrasse]

[bloodandbloodandreplay]

The measure of heat is fascinating. There is no measure for coolness, or coldness, and yet we measure it anyway. It's freezing today- sub zero temperatures- it's ice cold!

We only have a measure of heat. The lack of heat is not an entity, just a vacuum. Things are hot, or they aren't. We have no measure for pain, yet we quantify the unquantifiable. As though existence is objective, as though individuality is linear. The uniformity of experience. What's your pain on a scale of 1 to 10- childbirth is 57 del of pain- 10 being unbearable.

I rehearse lines in my head. Your bedside manner is terrible! I take the doctor to one side in defensive, self righteous anger. I do not coddle. You are not delirious with pain, unquantifiable and unbearable.

In other universes, I do not shush you. I do not tell you that you are overreacting, that it doesn't hurt that bad, gaslighting you into another pained, inflamed silence. We do not let this fester. You trust me. I trust you.

[daughterisotope]

Moonlight Sonata, Yannis Ritsos (1956)

[bloodandbloodandreplay]

On my solo walk back home, I spot a discarded pack of Marlboro Reds. The crimson motif glares harshly under the unforgiving lights of the lampposts, and the glint of them blinds me momentarily.

It's still, outside. The only noises being the whisper of the breeze by my ears, and the crunching of my beaten up shoes over the gritty tarmac. In my daydreams, I twine our hands together, urge you to pull on a jacket and a coat (and gloves and a scarf and a blush on your face) before tugging you outside into the cold with me.

A brisk walk in the brisker autumnal air. The skin of our fingers cools quicker than the pseudo heat of your apartment warmed us, and our gazes are whisked away by the twinkling of stars in the almost clear night sky.

I pull you around the block, stand with you in the almost silence and almost stillness. We shakily light matching cigarettes- hand rolled, I fantasise, by your hands in the comforting plush of your sofa. We stand, and we breathe, exhaling smoke to help cloud the constellations that shine above us, and we kiss clumsily in the camouflage of the almost shadows in between the lampposts.

[samsketchbook]

The text reads,

“YOU WERE FRANTIC AND FOOLISH, YOU KEPT NO TRACK OF TIME, YOU RAN YOUR DELICATE BODY INTO ITS NATURAL END, YOU BURNED ALL YOUR CANDLES TO STUMPS, YOU ARE TIRED AND HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO LAY DOWN, YOU HAVE EARNED THIS REPERCUSSION, THIS REWARD, THIS RECKONING, YOU FINALLY  NEED TO KNOW

HOW TO DECAY GRACEFULLY

LIE STILL (x13) ”

[fruitffish-deactivated20250218]

Detail from The Fallen Angel (2007) by Arantzazu Martinez

[bloodandbloodandreplay]

I speak to you in the way that children speak to angels.

FREE ME

I AM NOT SAFE HERE

THIS IS NEVER HOME AND NEVER WILL BE

And, as a child's angel does, you stroke my hair and speak to me in tongues I do not comprehend.

They bring tears to my eyes all the same.

[bloodandbloodandreplay]

Peeling paint. The way it flakes off windowsills, or childhood bedroom walls. Sliding a fingernail beneath the chips so that they can be pried off as quickly as possible. So that they barren structures of home can't shroud themselves in the guise of comfort. Your fingertips are bleeding. Can you see the cracks in your nail beds? You tuck the frayed edge of another under the paint and peel.

[weltenwellen]

Catherine Gildiner, Good Morning, Monster: Five Heroic Journeys to Emotional Recovery

[bloodandbloodandreplay]

"Of me", I don't say. As though I am this terrible, wretched thing, passing through a set of hands to another. Like hot coals, or putrid flesh. I am naught but suffering, or at least- I am the promise of it. Bring me to heel, I beg silently. Bring me to Hell. Discard me, as long as it is your hands that do it. As long as I feel your touch before you go.

[necrohag]

Caught on a game camera in British Columbia

[wintercorrybriea]

Parts of 4 ‘Restraint Cuff’

[bloodandbloodandreplay]

and I strung you up and I wove razor blades through the puppet strings and yelled, "Dance!" as though the mere act of verbalizing it would make it so. as always, my sweet, you turned glinting metal through a semicircle of my own making, pressing paper thin silver against hair slim wire, and murmured, "oh?" as though the act of dissension erased the sin of its being. I helped you down from the rafters, and as always, you leaned in. I have warm hands, gentle hands; the rough, weathered palms of fathers and the stinging tone to bite back the fondness that seems into my every action, unbidden and nearly unseen. You have broken wrists, snapped ankles, and eyes that glint in every light from lime to sun to night. It is not taboo to cut what shines from you. It is illegal, engraved into rock or rubble, and it is sin, and it is wrong, and so I cradle you closer in my stolen hands and I wait for you to heal. To see if maybe you will let me bathe for a moment under the divine shine of your spirit. Just for a moment.

[stonerhobbits]

// A Love Like War (ft. Vic Fuentes) - All Time Low // Touch No. 8 - Elizabeth Baker //  Follow You - Bring Me To Horizon // Stock Image // Demolition Lovers - my Chemical Romance // Stock Image // If I’m There - Bad Omens // Stories I Cannot Tell - Chrys Roboras //

[archbudzar]

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