goodbye motherfuckers

[bloodyben]

Viktor: I don’t like sharing anything about my personal life with strangers.

Someone on the bus bumping into him: Oh, sorry.

Viktor: it’s okay, I’ve been hurt before. It all started on October 1989, when--

[bloodyben]

Some random guy from the army: So, what's it like dating Klaus?

Dave: One time, he asked me for a glass of water while I was mad at him. I gave him a glass of ice and told him to wait.

Guy: Then what?

Dave: ...He said thank you and sat there waiting with a bright smile..I love him

[bloodyben]

Klaus, texting Allison: Help! I'm being kidnapped

Allison: Where are you?

Klaus: I'm with some strange person. In a car. Help.

Allison: I'll call Diego

Diego, answering his phone: Hello?

Allison: Where's Klaus? He texted me that he was being kidnapped

Diego: What do you mean, he's right next to me--

Diego:

Diego: I'll call you back [hangs up]

Diego: THE NEW HAIRCUT ISN'T THAT BAD

Klaus: WHO ARE YOU?!

[bloodyben]

The Handler, standing with her back turned: I’ve been expecting you, Five.

Five: How did you do that without turning around?

The Handler: ... To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you.

[bloodyben]

Klaus: [laying face-down on his bed]

Dave: Hey, you doing okay?

Klaus, muffled: I just need a bit of a break from everything. Including existing.

Dave: Alright, if that's what you want.

Dave: [plops face-down on Klaus' bed with him]

Klaus: What are you doing?

Dave: Taking a break from existing with you.

Klaus: [smiles]

[bloodyben]

Klaus: [goes to NASA] Hello i would like to volunteer to be thrown into the sun

NASA: U would die

Klaus: I beg u

[bloodyben]

Luther: People who sleep without socks on make me worry

Diego: People who sleep WITH socks on are not to be trusted

Five: People who sleep are weird

Klaus: I was a sock once

[bloodyben]

Klaus: I know you can climb faster than me

Dave: So what if i can?

Klaus: Why do you always let me win?

Dave: You like winning

Klaus: What do u get out if it

Dave: I get to see you smile after

Klaus: He's staring at my ass

Ben: He's staring at your ass

[bloodyben]

Five: What are you, five?

Luther: [snorts] Yeah, five heads taller than you

Five:

Luther:

Their siblings:

The Commission:

The Sparrow Academy:

Everyone:

Biden:

Luther: I'm sorry please don't kill me

[bloodyben]

Five: Today is a great day

The Handler: Hi

Five: My disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined

[bloodyben]

Klaus: Just trying to find the yee to my haw, but I keep finding the hell to my naw 😔✌️

Ben:

Ben: I want to uninstall my ears.

[bloodyben]

Klaus: You’re afraid of ghosts!

Viktor: Not really

Klaus: So why are you so scared when you hear a noise at night, huh?

Viktor: Because the last time I heard a noise in the middle of the night it was you breaking into my apartment, and it traumatized me

[bloodyben]

Klaus: How much for the goth squash?

Employee:

Employee: You mean the eggplant?

[bloodyben]

Klaus: You're so dramatic!

Ben: Me? You're the one who's dramatic.

Klaus: *gasps*

Klaus: *touches his heart*

Klaus: *tearing up*

Klaus: You are a *voice cracks* terrible liar, Ben.

Klaus: *hair flips*

Klaus: *sashays away*

[bloodyben]

Klaus, on the phone with someone: Sorry, I can't talk right now, I'm being chased by a lit trail of gunpowder.

Ben: Hey what's that pouring out of your pocket?

Klaus: Oh shit

[bloodyben]

Allison, holding a fancy looking bottle: Is this whiskey or perfume?

Klaus: [grabs the whole bottle and chugs all of it]

Klaus: It's perfume.

[bloodyben]

Klaus: MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE AND NOTHING I KNOW IS REAL

Allison: Klaus, calm down

Five: Let him panic, we just found out that bees don't have lungs

Allison: Oh, that's all, I was worri-- BEES DON'T HAVE WHAT?!