Hopefully whoever you are (you 51 followers you) it wouldnt reach anybody who would try and tell me I'm wrong because I'm just feeling a lot of emotions lately and I don't know who's the right person to share it all to or I don't think I can or want to share my feelings with anyone I know
which is why I'm putting it here
aahhhh just thinking about the many different feelings I have as of this moment just... idk its another feeling to add to the list so
wow. I'm just, first of all, relieved. (Annoyed too, since I keep typing 'relieved' as 'relieaved' like what the fuck) Relieved because finally, the huge part of the work that's put into our thesis is done. The defense, the exhibit... done. All our hardwork paid off and I'm just so glad they did. I'm so proud of everyone in our class for pulling off everything after everything we've been through, like, the hell and lack of work put into it our theses during our first semester since we were all so busy with something else, then the stress and super hard work we had to deal with by catching up with what was supposed to be done the previous semester for thesis plus the second semester work. I'm happy. I am, I'm happy for my friends, because they did such amaaaazzing work, they did great, they really did such a great job and I cannot be any more proud(er?)
As much as I am happy, and am aware of how happy I also must be for myself, since I also worked (almost) as hard as they did, I do have some regrets for not giving it my all, for not being able to pull it the way I really wanted to. For not thinking it all through, for having other things in mind, other people in mind. If someone tells me that everybody has regrets and that I shouldn't let it hinder myself for being proud of myself.... please. It's just not my mindset right now. I will sound a bit plastic once I find a good enough photo of myself and my booth while I give a really sad excuse for a 'grammy-awards-like' speech. I'm just not happy at all with the work I've given, I feel like I could have given something more, I feel like even my parents expected something more. The fact that my grandmother made a face when she saw my booth -- which was directly behind the booth of my friend, who was best in thesis -- just made me want the ground to eat me up. My family told me my booth didn't even look like it was part of the exhibit, so you can tell that it wasn't really nice and I didn't think of presenting it very well. Yeah, at the time I sarcastically said 'wow sorry if this isnt enough for you, man like what'd you really expect of me???' but I actually felt the same thing, because I expected something out myself as well and I guess I just wanted someone to tell me that what I did was fine, and it was enough. Even if it was just for them.
So we're done with the happy, and the regrets, and now, to why I'm feeling really bummed. Bummed 'cause of the regrets, and bummed 'cause people didn't show up. Yeah let's be really shallow for a moment, since I'm a shallow girl, right? How shallow of me to not be understanding and give every single person out there the benefit of the doubt as to why they didnt come to my exhibit -- but it still bummed me to sit there and watch everybody talk to someone they knew and happily explain what their booth was all about, and to stand at my own booth and watch people pass by since they didn't know me, and it wasn't presented very nice, so it didn't seem like it mattered at all, like it wasn't really eye-catching enough to be worth a read or to look at.
I never told anyone how silly and stupid I looked just walking around watching people talk and whenever I went back to my booth, whoever was there would look at me and then walk away. I never told anyone how I actually just stood at one point and stared at everyone enjoying the launch, talking to their friends, wishing I had some that talked to me too, and congratulated me on a job well done, and even just pretended to be amazed at how much work and effort I put into it, to just pretend to listen, or just enjoy the company, or just be happy they were there with me, celebrating with me, because it's sad, and it may be untrue, but I felt a bit unimportant and quite silly for even wearing something so damned as a long white dress as if I was celebrating some grand occassion. I told everyone I knew about my exhibit yet nobody really dropped by, I mean, yeah ok some people did, but let's be honest, they weren't the people who stuck around because I was there. People who came because of me eventually left quite fast and had other things to do -- its not that I dont appreciate it, I do-- I just wish people came and stayed, and talked with me. I expected quite a lot of people, quite a lot of my friends, my really close friends to have been there, people I've known for a long time, but none of them came, people who even told me beforehand to invite them because they wanted to go never really went, and even if I told them it was on-going for two days after, they never really went. they never really replied, and what made me sad was they never even wished me luck, or just congraulate me.
it's sad how for the next two days I sat down watching the exhibit without any visitors while everyone else's friends who didn't come to the opening, went on those two days. Let's say I had a total of 3 visitors during these two days and let's be real: none of them actually stayed and looked at my work and told me how ive done such a great job. no body really stayed for my work. when my friends came, we left to do something else. like i was hoping they'd ask me about it, but they didn't.
One of them jokingly even told me how my work wasn't really good enough and as much as I was aware that it was a joke, I really felt bad.
I remember one of my really close friends calling me up, asking me where I was, and when i told her I wasn't home, I was at glorietta, since I had a thesis exhibit, she just told me, 'thats too bad' and hung up and now I realized she only called me up because she needed something from me that was at my house.
I remember texting people that they could still pass by, but no one really replied. No one even congratulated me even. I mean, the people who I expected to be there wasn't. the people who i expected to be happy for me, i just didn't -- i still dont -- feel like they were, because they never told me, or they never made me feel like they were. no acknowledgement or anything.
the whole world doesn't revolve around me, yeah, but i guess for once in my life i just thought this would be one of those days where people would think im worth something. i feel like people have been passing me by.
honestly felt so unimportant, irrelevant to people that it was OKAY to not bother something HUGE just happened with me and people are just like 'meh, ok'
so yep. full on emotions, full on actual tears right now. you guys dont know how i felt like I didn't. really. matter.
I went on a spontaneous and fun roadtrip with my friends yesterday (or the other day) and sure I had loads of fun and I laughed really loud and it was chill (literally) and it was what i expected and how i really wanted to unwind but I still felt a bit off when the one person I fully trust to be there with me when things get low, was what made me quite silent for the rest of the night.
guess who didn't matter at all for the duration of the trip home? ding ding ding: me. since he says I always contradict whatever he says, my opinion doesn't matter. so my answers don't count. as if the fact that my opinions don't jive with his is intended that way just to spite him. I mean if my opinions were my opinions, why does it matter so much that they contradict? Yes he was trying to prove whatever point he wanted to prove, but the people he was asking weren't answering, and when I was, he just thinks I should keep quiet. that really hurt and it was a bit insulting because as if i didn't matter -- to him? that was really low. I didn't want to argue because i didn't want to get anymore upset because the point of the night out was for me to unwind from all the stress. and an argument with him -- believe me - would be quadruple the stress my whole thesis had given me. its upsetting to think that he was asking everybody's opinions except mine just because we dont agree with each other all the time. its upsetting to have been set aside like that for such a selfish reason.
i dunno. im tired. but sad. mostly sad. but im trying to be happy. for a person whose thesis was about making people smile -- i sure am a sad person.
