Which Team Fortress 2 Mercenary Has The Most Slappable Ass? A Scientific Analysis
Given my recent focus on the wonders that are the mercs' polygons, and the fact that this is a Horny Blog™, I realized that a study like this lies squarely within my wheelhouse. It is not merely within my power to conduct a study like this - being in the position I am, it is my responsibility.
In this essay, I will rank the mercs' asses from least to most slappable.
There is a very important question we need to answer first, though:
The answer is simpler than you think!
The slappability of a polygonal ass is dependent on how many polygons it has. This is because, if you were to add jiggle physics of some kind, those physics need geometry to work with! The more faces you have, the more variation you can see in movements when it reacts to being slapped.
To illustrate this, I created a couple of spheres and I, well... slapped them.
You can see that the top sphere has many more polygons in it than the bottom one does, and the reaction to the same slap force is much more dramatic when there are more polygons.
Of course, this particular slap is pretty brutal - we're not trying to liquefy anyone's ass here - but I think the point is made. The more polygons an ass has, the more we can make that booty clap.
Now, with that established, I'll explain how I defined the asses themselves. Note that the selection of ass polygons wasn't an exact science here. They all have wildly varying shapes and arrangements for their polygons, and I tried to be fair in my selection of the polygons that defined the observably slappable regions of their asses.
I erred on the side of caution, and left out some polygons that could technically be part of the ass, but were also part of the taint... and nobody wants their taint slapped. (Do they? Well, if you're into that, you can add 4-6 polygons to some of these to get a more accurate count of the slappable region.)
The selections are defined as the polygons that are showing up in orange. I also included the Blender status bar that's showing how many vertices/edges/faces I have selected. I can't just show you a bunch of asses with no numbers next to them, 'cause then this wouldn't be science, now, would it?
And now, without further ado... the TF2 Merc Asses, from Least to Most Slappable.
#9 - Medic (20 Polygons)
It is with a heavy heart that I start by proclaiming that Ludwig, the love of my life, the heart and soul of this blog, has the saddest ass of the whole team. Clocking in at only 20 polygons, you would probably see only the faintest wobble from any of these vertices even if you whacked it with a 2x4. Well, there's a reason I focus most of my attention on his face.
#8 - Soldier (24 Polygons)
Jane's ass is shaped like one of those aliens from Space Invaders... or a Transformer, or something. Just a very interesting layout to these polygons. But due to a low polygon count, it isn't very slappable - and it SHOULDN'T BE, because a proper AMERICAN ASS should be UNYIELDING. When you slap this tight patriotic ass, your HAND is the one that gets critically hit!
#7 - Spy (24 Polygons)
Spy is actually tied with Soldier, but it's really interesting to see just how different the shapes are. Spy's ass kinda just looks like a flat piece of paper. But on the bright side, this is an ass built for stealth. He won't have to worry about alerting anyone with the clap of those asscheeks.
#6 - Pyro (34 Polygons)
Our favorite ambiguous freak has an ass shaped like a soldier ant's head. Good for blocking tight passageways to keep you from running away while you're burning alive. Probably also good for biting things. Hey, you don't know what's under there, it could be anything!
The next three are tied, but I've tried to sub-rank them based on my general impressions about them.
#5 - Sniper (36 Polygons)
Mundy's down-undies are just kind of strange. This has that 'soldier ant' shape that Pyro had, but without the same harmony in the arrangement of the triangles. There's something about this one that feels a bit 'all over the place' to me.
#4 - Heavy (36 Polygons)
Unsure how to feel about this one - the general curvature is indeed quite ass-shaped, but I have qualms with just how much each triangle is being stretched out. It gives me the impression that he is crammed into a pair of pants that are desperately holding in a great deal more geometry than we actually see here. Only Ludwig knows the true polygon count.
#3 - Demoman (36 Polygons)
This man has the squarest ass I have ever seen in my life. Not only is he a Black Scottish cyclops, but his ass is straight out of Minecraft. This shape is just so impressive to me. Given the uniform nature of the polygons involved, the jiggle we'd see from a solid whack across these cheeks would probably be oddly satisfying, if somewhat unorthodox.
#2 - Engineer (44 Polygons)
With a dump-truck weighing in at a hefty 44 polygons, Dell definitely has one of the most ass-shaped asses of the whole team. I'm not an expert, but I have a feeling that the topology here is reasonable, and would produce pleasant results if slapped.
#1 - Scout (84 POLYGONS!!!!)
DEAR GOD.
THE LEGENDS WERE TRUE...
