Hisoillu Weekend | Day 1 | Nightmares | 14/14

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Sade Olutola
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
Not today Justin
will byers stan first human second
sheepfilms
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH

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Peter Solarz

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Andulka
tumblr dot com
YOU ARE THE REASON
art blog(derogatory)

祝日 / Permanent Vacation
cherry valley forever

JVL
dirt enthusiast
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@blue-boar
Hisoillu Weekend | Day 1 | Nightmares | 14/14
Hi Everyone, I don't like having to do things like this, but it's really important, so please read this whole thing because I REALLY need help.
My cat, Kharjo is overnight at the vet right now and he's very sick. He has Hepatic lipidosis which is a like issue as well as autoimmune disease.
The vet says he will hopefully pull through with treatment, but it's going to be thousands of dollars and I am putting it all on credit right now and will need to pay it back and as a full time student I cannot afford that.
Kharjo is my everything, he's my baby and I love him more than anything, so I refuse to lose him if there's any chance to save him.
My paypal is under [email protected]
My Venmo is under the same and the username for my venmo is
Caelen-Crowley
And my CashApp is
Caelen Crowley
$BlueBoar
Please please, please help me even just a little if you're able, he's the sweetest, kindest, most well behaved and even tempered cat in the world. He's only 5 years old and he deserves to keep living.
Added my CashApp!
I'm really skeptical that there's any afterlife and think that there's probably just nothingness when we die. That makes me wanna die more just because I'm so tired. Dreamless sleep forever and ever sounds nice.
I feel very alone lately and that's when it's easier to think about. When I feel like no one wants to be around me or is upset with me it feels like the perfect time.
I can be free and they can be relieved. Maybe even happy.
reminder that this blog, while not politically focused, supports BLM. bootlickers and racists aren’t welcome here, and never will be.
Minimum
Lover, I can live on scraps
If that's all you can give me to eat
Bread crusts, fruits skins, bad meat
If that's all that our loving can be
Honey, I can love you with the light off
Cause I know that our love can be grand
If at least in the dark I can take your hand
You know I'll take anything I can
Dearest, please just give me something
I'll listen to your sweet nothings
I don't need a promise or ring
Please just want me and I will survive
Beloved, just dream of me once
I won't ever ask for a bouquet of abundance
To match dreams of you I've been having for months
Just smile at me
And I'm sure I can live
I hate how things mean so much to me
And nothing to you
You told me that
It's hard for you to say I love you
"Even to people I really love"
When all this time
I thought we really did love each other
Everything I ever told you was real
About running away and living together
How beautiful I think you are
Every single "I love you"
It was hard to realize
That you never meant those things
That I'm all in
And you wanna watch me from shore
I think you'll eventually come in
But you won't
Because it won't really hurt you
If I drown
My love for you translates to hate for myself.
And I hate everything about me
Even the way I love you
But oh,
How I love you
The way I love pain
Make Me Perfact For You
I hate myself because I'm not what you want
I'm not sure exactly what you want
But I know it isn't me
So I look in the mirror
I search my face
And I try to fucking see
What I'm missing
How I fall short
A lot of people have wanted me before
But you're the only one I want
And I fucking cry all night
Wishing I could tear myself up
And mash it all back
Into someone that would be enough
I cant look in the mirror anymore
Or I might start tearing
Fuck up
You make me think of that saying
"I'm not me when I'm around you"
But that's not it
No
I'm still me
But the problem is--
I'm not the best version of me
You know,
The me I wanna be
Instead
I'm the high pressure
Knock down drag out
Fight or flight
Anxiety attack version of me
I'm the verion of me
That is critiquing every one of my own moves
Tailoring each response
Cuz I have to be perfect
Or I ain't shit
And no one's perfect
So, I ain't shit
I cry every other time I talk to you
Because I know I'm fucking it up
I know I already fucked it up before
I know this isn't going anywhere except
A goddamned trainwreck
I have never
Ever
Been angry at her
For not loving me
I've only ever hated
Myself
For not being good enough
For her to love back
Sleep
Slither hither hide nor hair, to see exultant dancing there If praise exists then call it out, to sad resist denying shout In company it’s desperate more, not wake that break on rising shore Pale is Hypno’s temp’rary hold, compared to silken brother’s bold No bright, no light, no vain delight, can save thy from this earthly plight Raucous, lurid merry make, tease the taste and never slake Oh come, oh come! Thy can’t afford, thy burning eyes like lantern gourd Hot coals in head of burning pain, sting while haze assuage thy brain Farther, farther, farther still-- think thy does lose mind and will To torrid torrent tear thy up, drive to pill, to touch, to cup When static branch behind thy eye, dull body fears the end is nye But moment when thought ought relieved, in blink reveal thy oft deceived If body conquered with they need, then time will show thy never freed Next eve may show what then cannot, the truth within that lying thought Might longer wait to rear its head, but will creep in dark to haunt your bed Echoes of the blood past lost, flitting pictures remind of cost Gnash and crash against its weight, But few and fewer escape such fate Wicked thing hath no blood, no bone-- not any subtle substance known Though not seen it drives the knife, and calls and calls for end of life Death doth invite the willing there, seem gent’ler than his brother’s stare A fearful thing when trapped inside, and those were close it do divide Beloved fear that it infects, but host can boast the sole defect In company the beast might lull, but even that doth take its toll Away away it shoo thy gone, like simpering and awful dawn The struggle up when dawn doth break, thy must endure what it did take Dragging corpse across the floor, and questioning what life is for Suffer through the lightened hours, ‘till darkness doth return its powers To lie and cry for that unmend, to hope in vain for it to end
END IT
Tell me you hate me
Tell me we can't be friends
Tell me I'm pathetic
Tell me you don't want me
Tell me not to visit
Tell me you dont want me to know you better
Tell me it's not okay
Tell me I'm ugly
Tell me its over
Tell me you don't care
Tell me I'm nothing
Please just fucking hurt me
Kick me
Leave me
Don't say you love me again
I don't dont deserve for you to care about me
I want you to be happy when I die
I always am the one who asks,
"Are we okay?"
You always say
"Yes"
But I suppose that's not really what I mean
I mean to say,
"Are you okay with me?"
Because you never ask me
And my answer
Is not the same
It's 4 fucking AM
Love is supposed to be happy.
Isn't it?
I know I'm in love with her
I know it
So why do I cry all night?
If love is supposed to be happy?
She wants love
And I could tell her I love her
But I know if I do,
She'll cry too
Even though love is supposed to be happy
Mosaic
Yes, yes--
I know you do not love me
But still,
I do not intend to get over you
Why should my love go to waste?
Simply because it is not returned?
I will use it to make beautiful things,
For you,
I will not let it just die
But I see,
There is fear in your eyes
And I know it is not for yourself,
But for me
You may not love me,
But you worry for a China doll heart
But I have been glued back together before
So,
I beg you,
And beg you
Don't fret for me,
My Dearest
You say that perhaps I am not healthy,
But I will still yet live
In something
That shines to me like a stained glass shrine
Be it in the palm of your hand,
Or the hole in your heart