Welcome to my f✧cked up world.

Ed-Deb-Anxiety recovery blog🇫🇷🇵🇱🦋✨

[blue-lil-butterfly]

hey

Prev. My_@n@_diary and blue_skinny_lil_butterfly

TRIGGERING BLOG, BE CAREFUL

I'm omni :D 🏳️‍🌈 No discrimination tolerated 🏳️‍⚧️✌🏾

Struggling with (diagnosed) severe anxiety, ARFID, OCD I recovered from 4n0rexia, severe depression and $H as well

-Fighting everyday against depressive thoughts and 4n4 thoughts-

Personal tag: #ed recovery #deb recovery #sunshine girl #4n4 thoughts

Feel free to message me if you want to chat or vent or ask something :]

old tags: #4n4's diary #ana's diary

[blue-lil-butterfly]

TW: $h related

Is it normal that scars still hurt when I touch them more than a year later? They're small and white, but still it feels like it's burning when I touch them, or even worse it feels like the day I did them. Is it some physical pain because of the memory? Or is it normal that physically scars hurt? Because I have other one's from when I was a little kid and they don't hurt :/

[fromhersoul]

Real intimacy is when someone understands the walls you built for protection and approaches them with patience instead of pressure.

[emmelyy]

I promise you were not placed on this earth to try and shrink your body until you die.

[blue-lil-butterfly]

Okay I have to talk about it. TW: 4n4 talk (very triggering skip if you're in recovery)

I recently discovered that my friend is anorexic. And I can't help but feel worthless next to him, I feel like I didn't do good enough compared to him. He didn't eat at all for weeks, lost at least 15kg, and all I see is this number.

When we started talking about our ed I told him I logged my fasts and c@ls, and he was like "oh so you counted it all?" And I was like yeah of course how did you do to make sure you didn't eat too much? And he was like "I didn't eat at all".

I'm trying to convince myself my case was just as horrible as his and maybe even worse. Mine lasted years and his only a few weeks; he got help, while I had to get out of it by myself. His parents begged him to eat; I would've never dared to not do what my parents asked, I'm scared of my dad, while he had the option to not hide everything, and do what he wants without fear. My parents were absolutely not caring, even when they heard from the psychiatrist they had to check my weight they didn't and I lost a lot of weight since then. I had to hide everything, throw away food, exercise to purge, always cook myself for everyone so they wouldn't know, lie constantly, hide it to everyone, feel so guilty I started to $h. I was all alone. He had a friend who helped him because she also went through Ed's, and doctors and parents who took him seriously.

Still I feel like his case was worse.

Mine wasn't really diagnosed. I only lost about 8kg, and it only lasted for short, I gained some weight very quickly. The other day he told me he thought I hadn't gained the weight back bc I still look "too" skinny but I feel like it's all bullshit

I shouldn't compare our cases, but I'm trying to convince myself my case was worse for my sanity but I'm just so sure what others lived is SO much more valid and it feels terrible .

Why does my brain make me believe stuff that's not real and that make me feel bad??

[blue-lil-butterfly]

GUYS I'M GONNA FINALLY DELETE ALL THE PRO-4N4 SUSPICIOUS STUFF ON MY ACCOUNT

I don't actually know what's on my blog so I gotta make sure it's clean

But it's so hard to just erase all my past like that ToT

But it is so important if I can do it YOU can do it too !!!

[blue-lil-butterfly]

Okay rn I have 405 posts, let's see how many I can delete

Also!! I'm changing my tags because IT IS NOT OKAY ANYMORE TO USE "Ana's girl" what the hell

[blue-lil-butterfly]

I DELETED 158 POSTS I'M PPROUD OF ME

(all type of posts, not only ed related)

[blue-lil-butterfly]

GUYS I'M GONNA FINALLY DELETE ALL THE PRO-4N4 SUSPICIOUS STUFF ON MY ACCOUNT

I don't actually know what's on my blog so I gotta make sure it's clean

But it's so hard to just erase all my past like that ToT

But it is so important if I can do it YOU can do it too !!!

[blue-lil-butterfly]

Okay rn I have 405 posts, let's see how many I can delete

Also!! I'm changing my tags because IT IS NOT OKAY ANYMORE TO USE "Ana's girl" what the hell

[blue-lil-butterfly]

GUYS I'M GONNA FINALLY DELETE ALL THE PRO-4N4 SUSPICIOUS STUFF ON MY ACCOUNT

I don't actually know what's on my blog so I gotta make sure it's clean

But it's so hard to just erase all my past like that ToT

But it is so important if I can do it YOU can do it too !!!

[blue-lil-butterfly]

Ask to Trans FTM people!!

In 5 days my friend is getting top surgery, and I wanted to ask all the ftm Trans people what they think I could say before and after the surgery in a letter, like a specific advice or specific compliments or jokes idk, or basics I should know. I already know quite a lot but it's always better to hear it from Trans people directly :)

Thank you!! <3

[whiteflame109v2]

Just a reminder:

Feeling invalid and like you’re faking your disorder is PART OF YOUR DISORDER

Wanting to starve yourself but not actually being able to do it is PART OF YOUR DISORDER

Recovery does NOT come easily

Constant binging is PART OF YOUR DISORDER

Being able to eat normally without guilt for periods of time is PART OF YOUR DISORDER

Being able to restrict easily one day and not the other is PART OF YOUR DISORDER

Please treat your minds nicely

[nonromanticising]

maturing is realising that no one gives two shits about you and you either gonna make it on your own or off yourself

[blue-lil-butterfly]

Everytime I tell my mom a secret and I beg her to not tell my dad, she still does it.

But for once she listened when I asked her to not tell my dad I was doing $h a year ago when she caught me.

Except she just told him during a fight I was doing $h because of him.

WHY DO YOU F*CKING NEED TO EXPOSE YOUR OWN KIDS DURING A FIGHT INSTEAD OF EXPOSING YOURSELF?

She wanted to prove him he was a bad father but they are plenty other ways to do it that don't include saying something your child absolutely doesn't want you to say because it's gonna make him feel insecure and not respected. Now I feel exposed to my dad, he's angry at me for not telling him, and I'll have to cover up my arms all the time otherwise he'll be staring at my bare skin all the time.

My biggest problem is that I can't talk about my problems

But how can I trust ANYONE enough to tell them my secrets if I can't even trust my mom?

[vexcite]

no i will not try the food again. yes ive tried it before and did not like it. no i will not get used to the taste if i keep trying it. no just because most people like it doesnt mean i have to. i will eat the foods I know i like and stay happy with those

[fangyrling]

quick reminder that you're actually not obliged to feel any empathy for someone who would have described your death as 'necessary' if the exact same thing had happened to you

[tanukiboyslicing]

ended up with people putting untagged grosspo and schizobait on my dash

we are all sick but some of us suffer from disorders like ARFID or schizo-spec disorders! please tag grosspo with "tw grosspo" and "tw schizobait" (e.g for "food is poison) or you will get reported because you are literally harming people! we are already suffering, please make it a little more bearable and be aware that you not trigger tagging posts will genuinley harm people who need it tagged

[tarskimonster]

We tried to pause time, but instead we paused ourselves and time kept going

[thedrabwhorearchive-deactivated]

stolen from edtwt ♡