Blue Bell Darrow

Flight of the Bluejay

Jay nodded and returned the smile, though it wasn’t much of one, his eyes betrayed him. “Eventually,” he lied, “I promise.” He hated lying, even though he knew it was for the best, he didn’t want her to think that she meant any less to him than she did. Though he knew that it would be easier for her to make peace with that if she did think that, than if she knew the truth.

He leant forward and pressed his lips against her forehead, as he pulled back he lingered slightly, not wanting to sit back down and do what needed to be done. He would make it quick, painless, easy. She would hardly notice it, it would be like falling asleep. But he forced himself to sit back down, as he forced himself to do the impossible. He held onto her hand tightly and smiled at her, though sadly. He didn’t want the last thing she saw to be his pain, or the last thing she felt to be her guilt.

#para #flight of the blue jays

The last thing she felt, though, was a sort of happiness. Eventually. She let herself believe that he meant it. That eventually, Jay would be all right. In time, he’d be himself again. She held tightly to his hand as long as she could, closing her eyes. They were the only two people in the world now, and nothing could change that.

Blue’s grip on his hand loosened.

Flight of the Bluejay

Jay grasped Blue’s hand, almost frantically, never wanting to let go. He knew what she was asking of him, and he knew that she hated doing it… But not as much as Jay would hate having to be the cause of the life leaving her eyes, even though indirectly, it wasn’t his doing. For a while, he didn’t say anything, instead focussing on composing himself. It was no use, though, he couldn’t stop himself from crying, more openly now. He couldn’t keep his face straight, not now it was definite that this would be the last conversation he’d ever have with her… He didn’t want to think about it, thinking about it made it real. And this wasn’t about him, this was about her. She wanted this and needed this, and he would do anything for her. She had done so much for him, maybe even without realising it. When he had arrived at Tate, he wasn’t much of a person. He hadn’t spoken to another person in years, except for the cruel guards who tortured and abused him, both physically and mentally. He was broken, scarred. Blue managed to soften the scars, not make them disappear completely, but make them less obvious. She didn’t fix him, but at least now he was able to function a little bit.

He couldn’t find the words to tell her this, but he wanted her to know. He needed her to know how much she meant to him… The truth was that she was all he truly cared for, she was what kept him smiling, she was everything he had. But she couldn’t know this, that would only make things worse. “Thank you,” he said eventually, his voice hoarse and soft, only just more than a whisper. The words were his consent, too. He couldn’t bear to say yes, even though he would do it. Anything for her.

“I’m sorry,” she croaked, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” She wanted to comfort him, keep him from crying, anything. But how impossible would it be, really? “God, Jay, I’m so sorry.” She wanted someone to replace her, someone who could be there for him the way he needed someone to be. She wanted him to be okay. She wanted him to go on living, and live his own life without her, even if it was only because he had promised her. He deserved the world, he deserved someone good and kind and loving to be able to stay with him the way he deserved.

Thank you, he had said. There was never a need to thank her. She never did anything she didn’t want to do, why should she be thanked for that? With a weak smile, she thought of all the times he had questioned her, ‘for what?’ Rather, she said as a vain attempt to comfort herself, as much as him, “You’ll be okay. You have to be.”

Flight of the Bluejay

Jay’s face fell as soon as Blue finished her first sentence, he couldn’t keep up the facade with her saying these things… Why was she saying these things? He knew the answer, but he refused to hear that voice in the back of his head telling him what was going to come next. He started to shake his head, tears welling up in his eyes, but he didn’t say a thing. He couldn’t, not knowing that Blue would worry, would feel guilty. She shouldn’t have to worry about others now, not today.

And so Jay stopped shaking his head, he swallowed back the lump in his throat and tried to keep a straight face, even though his cheeks were wet and tears were still streaming out of his brown eyes. He nodded. “I promise, I promise,” he said softly, his voice breaking on every word. He was lying, of course he was lying, how on earth could he not be? Blue was the only thing that made him want to get up in the mornings, without her… He wiped away his tears, even though his cheeks were wet again within a second, and repeated, “I promise.” He hoped she believed her, she had to believe her. Just this once, he had to be convincing, it had never been more important than it was now. He knew what she was going to say, and he knew the amount of guilt she must be feeling, but he didn’t want her to worry. Especially not about him.

She did. She believed him. Or at least she convinced herself that she did. In all honestly, Blue could not tell herself if she was lying to herself or not, and didn’t want to question it. She pulled his hand close and brushed her lips against his knuckles. She wanted to show him how much he meant to her, how grateful she was that he let her be in his life, if only for a short time. And how grateful she was to be allowed to care for him, to see him slowly grow more comfortable around her.

Images filled her mind, of her past months her. For a moment, she thought of her parents and of Mel back home. Would someone know to call them? What of Giuseppe, or Theresa, or of Alexander? They’d be all right, yeah? She’d hate to see Theresa cry, the poor girl. Always smiling, always laughing, brightening up any room just by being in it. And Giuseppe, he cared so much for everyone else. He needed someone to care for him. He did.

Blue had said her goodbyes though, maybe not to their faces, but she willed her heart out to them. Hoping they’d feel it, somehow. “Jay, please, I…I would never ask this of you, not unless it was absolutely necessary. You know I wouldn’t. I don’t want to, I don’t want you to have to do this, but I can’t. And I don’t want anyone else to. Jay, I’m so sorry.” She looked away, tried to wipe her own face clear of the tears, but it did no good. Again, she looked back to him and, as quietly, and as gently as she possibly could muster, “Please, Jay.”

Flight of the Bluejay

Ever since Jay had found Blue in the infirmary, broken, he hadn’t left her side. It was unbearable, to see her like that. Even though it was obvious she wasn’t in a good state, the sweet woman still tried to make sure nobody worried about her, nobody lost any sleep because of her. Jay tried to act along with it, but it was hard. He smiled, he tried to joke, but it wasn’t much of a show. The truth was, he had hardly slept, the food Alex had brought him never made it through his throat.

Blue in bed, wounded and hurt, sleeping twice as much as was normal… He almost couldn’t deal with it. He hated it, he hated humankind for having done something like that to someone like her. He wished he were in her place, god knew he deserved it more than she did. He was a bitter man, tainted by hatred and grief. But Blue… No matter how bad things got, Blue never it get the better of her. She was good, so good, always thinking about others instead of herself… And people needed her. Practically everyone at Tate needed this one person for some reason or another, be it something as small and simple as a pat on the back on a bad day. Jay— he could be missed, he wouldn’t be missed. He kept to himself, not many people even knew he existed. Why did this happen to her, of all people?

When the doctor came to inform Blue about her state, Jay politely retreated. He didn’t go far, but he wanted to give them their privacy. That didn’t mean that he couldn’t hear the doctor’s words… Though he wish he hadn’t heard them. No, he wished they weren’t true. They couldn’t be. Inside, his heart felt like a weight, weighing his whole body down. But as he walked back to Blue, he tried to keep the pain from showing on his face. He didn’t want her to worry about him, not ever, and especially not now…

As soon as he was close enough, Blue took his hand, squeezing it. He had always been so strong, composed after all that he had gone through, even smiling now. She just needed him to be strong for her, just this once. She was more than glad that he was there, though she wished he would take better care of himself. She wasn’t going to pretend to enjoy this, or to turn a blind eye to how terrible of a thing she would be asking of him. But first, she had to make sure he would be as all right as possible.

Blue was never one for false modesty. She knew people needed her. She knew how desperately she needed to be here. If she was gone, the grief would be too much for a lot of people. And Jay was one of the people who needed her most. She knew if she was gone, he would suffer. But she also knew he’d suffer to see her like this. Her poor Jay, what would happen to him?

“Jay, you’re going to be all right,” she started out, hoarse and half to tears already. The guilt was already weighing down upon her, but she needed this one thing. Just this one thing, and she’d never ask for anything else again. God, the thought, she couldn’t ask for anything again. “You promise me you’re going to be all right. You’re going to live, Jay, you’re going to live, and you’re going to be happy. You promise me, Jay, that you won’t stop living, not because of me.” She never once looked away, even when her eyes began to overflow. No, Blue had to hold her composure. “You promise me, Jay.”

Flight of the Bluejay

Everyone had taken good care of her. Blue never wanted for anything. At the slightest hint that she was cold, or hungry, or anything at all, someone was there to remedy the situation. Jay had never left the room. Alexander had come in to bring him food and a blanket, but Blue wished he would go out and eat and sleep like everyone else. At least, she was hoping he slept. At this point, she spent half the day asleep, because it was just too tiring to stay awake. Of course, she would do her best, to make sure no-one was too worried, to make sure they were doing all right themselves.

Blue had assured everyone she’d get better eventually. She knew otherwise, but no-one spoke on it. Until this morning. The younger doctor, Belarus, she had stepped in quietly, somberly. She had turned to Jay for a moment, and Blue immediately understood what was coming. She didn’t need to hear, “long and difficult recovery.” She didn’t want to hear, “might need help getting around for years.” And she couldn’t put up with hearing, “There’s too much damage. Not even the most well-equipped hospitals could help.”

She apologized and left, silent once again. A long moment passed, where Blue saw herself, struggling to walk up and down the stairs, being unable to garden at all, always depending on people to care for her instead of the other way around. She couldn’t. She didn’t want it. That wasn’t living. That wasn’t any sort of life for her. Sure, she’d be alive, but that didn’t count for much.

Finally, she looked over, and held out her hand. “Jay—“ Her voice broke before she could say more. He needed her. She couldn’t leave him. And poor Sanne. Oh god, her sweet Sanne, what would she do? But what could she do for them like this? From a bed, broken and miserable. Biting back her tears—she was being so selfish right now. So selfish, how could she even think of asking him of this? Biting back tears, Blue asked him to come over to her.

Mom

Mom I promise i’ll stop i even brought all my stuff back here I really have no reason to go back there at all.

...I'm sorry, sweetheart. I really am.

#convo

Mom

I know its not safe i just fell more welcome there then i do here as of lately all that has happened to me has put me out of wack. Ill stop you don’t need to be worring about me when your in here.