above the clouds

diary of my negative thoughts. • she!her

[blueclou-moody]

wandering mind

I've been thinking that how could i love someone else when i don't even truly love my own self? also born and raised in abusive-patriarchy environment makes me re-think-ing about everything that will happen in the future. But deep down... in my heart, I still want to have and make my own "happy" family. I'm scared. Very scared about what will happen in the future but i've been trying to suggest myself that i'll find my -definition of- pure happiness as soon as possible. God, i know You are Good. Please God bless me.

[blueclou-moody]

God, why would i feel like this again.... i just want to disappear.

[blueclou-moody]

do i even deserve to be happy....in life?

[blueclou-moody]

I feel like... i'm not good enough. I lack in everything.

[blueclou-moody]

God, please make everything more easier to me. Everything feels suck these past few weeks. I always want to giving up, i haven't feel sparks in my life again. All those smile that i showed to everyone was not genuine.

[blueclou-moody]

When i came back to here and writing something.. it means everything feel like a shit to me.

Maybe.. maybe i've been holding it too long, maybe i'm just burned out because of everything. Their actions triggering that much. I feel like a shit, i feel like that i'm the worst person ever. God, i'm tired. I. Really. Want. To. Give. Up. I don't think that i can't handle that tomorrow.

God, i don't wanna be a person who full of hatred to others. Please please take this pain away, please take this hatred away.

[blueclou-moody]

i don't know... i hope that everything will go really well. i feel like everything's been draining my energy that much. i just want to rest without thinking or doing nothing.

[blueclou-moody]

God, i wanna give up.

[blueclou-moody]

God, i'm tired.

[blueclou-moody]

don't talk about mental health, if you're still someone who doesn't care about others

[blueclou-moody]

Might be alone forever. I don't know.

[blueclou-moody]

God, it's tiring. I want to give up.

[blueclou-moody]

I know the world doesn't revolve just around me but.... at least people... could you guys give me a little attention when i did convey my uneasiness? That's not a big thing tho

[blueclou-moody]

I don't even understand. Back in middle school, I was an active person. Active in here means that I always had curious and brave person type until i doubted myself. I just realized it that when I was in the high school, I think that was the moment i start losing myself until now. I've been degrading myself, I always called myself as an useless person because I feel like that my friends start leaving me behind. I hate this feeling ffs. I'm tired.

[blueclou-moody]

saturday - 22:42

I'm so tired with everything, but I can't be tired. I want to give up, but i can't give up. No. Not yet.

[blueclou-moody]

just feeling lost so many times, don’t know what to do. i think i’ve been losing my ownself. i’m worry too much. mentally tired.

[blueclou-moody]

wish i'll die in my sleep.