[bluehydrangeasss]

I really love to sleep bcoz when I'm awake I think abt how u don't love me and how if given a chance I will love you like no one else ever has, I will console you when you feel low, I will give you love more than your definition of love but when I'm sleeping I live this life in my dreams. Although after waking up, my heart shatters into a million pieces, every morning, but I'm ready to break my heart over and over again to experience a moment like that with you and only you

[bluehydrangeasss]

If I were a multiple choice option then I'd be the one you are so sure isn't the answer

[bluehydrangeasss]

New self to old self

I hate myself (nothing new) but I've changed. I hate my new self and miss my old self. I want to be her again. Let me tell you the difference between both of them and then you decide and trust me I already know which one a teenage girl will choose

My old self-

1) She never disrespected teachers. She hated students who did so bcoz she thought they were attention seekers

2) She barely spoke. If someone said smth to her that might hurt her she'll keep quiet and listen to it and won't hurt the other person but will def cry abt it later.

3) She wasn't interested in getting involved in big grps. She hated people who were in big grps bcoz she thought they were fake

4) She might hate her parents for smth but also loved them enough to not find a reason to leave them.

5) No matter what, even if the world was crumbling she would find time to study enough to get good grades

My new self-

1) Now, I've disrespected teachers 3 times.

2) She speaks enough to irritate all her classmates and teachers and still keeps speaking.

3) She's a part of a big grp.

4) She wants to leave her parents.

5) She isn't paying attention towards her studies. And has even almost failed her hy's now and even after that she has fucking guys to keep a fucking bitchy smile on her shitty face.

I hate my new self a lot. I really, really, really want to cut this throw this "new self" part of me and throw it somewhere and I've decided this that no matter what I would throw this part out of me I don't want this bitchy "new self" to fight for myself, my old self also has that much guts to do that on her own. Idk why I hated my older version. She was so sweet, I sometimes might feel bad for her but atleast she respected her elders.

[bluehydrangeasss]

Everytime I speak, people misunderstand. Like every fucking time. And now idec to explain it. I'm so much misunderstood that now I don't even want to give a fuck abt it but holy shit, I have this shitty mind that makes me overthink abt each and everything. Idk if even my future husband would understand me. I'm so much misunderstood that now people perceive me as a dumbass. Idk if I'll ever find someone who gets me. Who gets what I mean. Who gets what I am trying to convey. To whom I won't have to explain what I meant. Who would not consider me "slow processing mentally ill deranged dumbo". Idts anyone is there for me but I hope there is someone out there.

No one has ever liked me. Idek a single person who might have thought of me romantically. Do I look this bad? Am I this deranged weirdo in people's pov? Idk if someone would ever experience true love for me. I might fantasize or think abt what my future husband is doing rn. But I'm unlovable. He would never like me. Whoever gets married to me would think at a point in his life that they probably did something very bad that they are stuck with me. He would cheat on me thinking that "this dumbass bitch would never get to know and even if she gets to know she I'll tell her that she's a curse for me and he wants to get rid of me". No one would ever love me. My parents also hate me. Idk what they did to deserve me. I hope they might have got a better daughter. I think all the people I know or I have met have done something very bad that they have to know me. Idts my bsf might have done smth this bad that she got a weirdo like me to be her bsf. I hope she meets better people than me in her life. But I don't want to leave her because she's the only one who knows everything abt me. But I don't want her to be stuck wid me. She's too sweet of a person to deserve a useless person like me. I don't remember a single time I might have helped her somehow. Idk what kind of bsf i am. My teachers and classmates don't even know me because I don't have my own identity. Idts no one knows me in my previous class yet except some people who were unfortunate enough to get to talk to me. My new classmates don't know me till now. Or maybe they do know a stupid person with specks whose name they don't remember. I used to think that if I get good grades people will know me but they don't. They don't even care. They don't give a shit abt it.

I was never made to be loved or taken care of,

I was made to be hated and judged and to be talked shit about,

And I deserve that, for reasons I don't know or maybe I do.

[bluehydrangeasss]

My roman empire is my future husband. I wonder what is he doing rn. Does he also think of me oftenly? Does he also feels like no one likes him? Is he dating someone? Is he younger or older than me, I hope he's the same age as me. Have I ever met him or talked to him, but idts any guy I have talked to till now is good enough or understands me to be my future husband. Btw is he also writing smth abt me rn? Is there any invisible string theory b/w us?

[bluehydrangeasss]

I was never made to be heard of

11:11 on the clock

I'm void of any wish

Maybe this makes me selfish

I want to be girl's girl

But why do girls call it "girlish"

I am deranged in people's opinion

They are making me consider it

Maybe I'm not one of them or that "fit"

Maybe it's all my fault and I am the culprit

[bluehydrangeasss]

this post is for the girls who are working their asses off to impress everyone by getting good grades:

even if u get marks/percentage/grades better than anyone might have ever expected they aren't going to a shitty fuck abt it and ofc how can they resist themselves from making you feel bad by saying things like "that wasn't that hard", "all this can be prepared under a month and still the person will get good grades". Ik rn this might be sounding bullshit if u haven't experienced all this yet (I hope u never experience this) but trust me (a random person on internet saying this), this isn't a lie.

[bluehydrangeasss]

I'm working late (doing my assignments) cause I'm a singer (just a girl in highschool)

[bluehydrangeasss]

That's that me espresso

[bluehydrangeasss]

I wish I could disappear from this world and never have to face real life people and I could be forgotten by everyone like EVERY SINGLE PERSON THAT MIGHT HAVE SEEN ME OR EVEN HEARD OF ME

[bluehydrangeasss]

I think hope is the most gut wrenching, worst feeling that a human being can experience. Hope for a better life. Hope to have someone to talk to. Hope to get good grades. Hope to keep others happy and impressed. Hope for someone to become a better person. Hope to unknow everyone yk now. Hope for anything can wreck u completely. We experience sadness because we hoped things would turn out our way but they didn't. After knowing all this we still thrive on hope

[bluehydrangeasss]

[bluehydrangeasss]

The world is better without me which is exactly why I will keep living

[bluehydrangeasss]

I hope y'all understand what I mean by this post

[bluehydrangeasss]

Vintage

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