and what if i fly?

Jay aka Bluejay/Jaya/J | Gender Fluid (he/him and they/them) | 21+ | Biromantic Demisexual Polyamorous | Writer, book lover, and huge advocate of ship and let ship | TBC | Ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/bluejayinflight | "Why were words created if not to show us that we too can fly." - Me (icon by mayakern)

[dogpuppy]

[the-big-mood]

Manage your very own video store in the early 90s! Rent, sell, decorate and expand your business from the ground up and relive the golden ag

[throwbackblr]

[ruinedchildhood]

[gothicprep]

one of my classic texts, from the archives

[needygirlsymptoms]

Having a personality disorder can lowkey be so embarrassing like "sorry I did that I didn't get enough love and was traumatized instead so now I beg for attention and get jealous of people getting attention or talking to the people I want attention from"

[tabathastan]

I think one of the worst symptoms of bpd is the lack of emotional permanence no matter how many good and loving people you have in your life the second you are alone it feels like you were never loved and it was all just a figment of your imagination

[autopsyfreak]

trying to explain that cluster b disorders don’t make anyone inherently ‘evil’ to people on the internet.

[mistermachoman]

the worst part about moodswings are when i know i'm being irrational over something so i have to sit there and seethe.

[xnoworneverr]

There’s a reason why we feel lonely even though we aren’t alone. It’s because loneliness is not about how many friends we have or how many people are in the room with us. It’s a disconnection from others. Being social doesn’t cure loneliness, loneliness comes when there is not a single person close enough to see past the illusion to who we really are and what we really feel inside.

[mistermachoman]

"are you okay?" absolutely not but i'd rather kill everyone in the room than talk about it

[neglectedmutt]

backing away from you like a wounded animal

[bpdmutt]

being self-aware but still unable to change your own reactions is such a uniquely miserable experience

[pastelcottoncandyunicorn]

i feels like there’s something missing in me that the rest of the world has and it’s not fair

[jonjjja]

my biggest desire: to be seen

my biggest fear: to be seen

[paper-mario-wiki]

there's a video i keep struggling to find and my memory of it feels like it miiiight've been you? do you by any chance have that video that's like "horror/creepypasta youtuber butchering japanese" and it's just baka mitai's lyrics being read out horribly over stock creepy background music

that was me, yeah

[the-big-mood]

Source

[ruinedchildhood]

"The Lucario artist did it again"

[cryoverkiltmilk]

[ruinedchildhood]

[ms-demeanor]

Wait, listening to the same song on repeat is stimming?

[ms-demeanor]

I do not mean a normal amount of listening to the same song on repeat I mean that in October and November 2022 the only thing I listened to was Type O Negative's "Black No. 1" and I listened to it for 18 hours a day. This is, apparently, a kind of stimming.

[ms-demeanor]

*quietly hides the four playlists that I have that are just copies of one song from different recordings or releases*

[ms-demeanor]

To be clear I do not know what the normal amount is. When Large Bastard and I started dating I had a tape in my car with Tom Petty's "Dancing at the Zombie Zoo" on it that I knew exactly when to flip the other side (halfway through "Yer so Bad") so that I could flip it again and listen to Zombie Zoo again and I did that enough that Large Bastard still can't listen to Tom Petty and also it wore through the tape. So whatever normal is it is probably less than that.

[ms-demeanor]

Nope. And one of the things that made my doctors wave off the possibility of a diagnosis was "well, you don't stim or have trouble socializing or have sensory issues so you're probably just depressed and anxious."

No I just, you know, reexamined every interaction for hours after the fact and was convinced that I was evil or deeply broken for being unable to emotionally connect with people around me and had headphones hidden under my hair all the time to listen to songs on repeat so that I could pay attention to things and not get distracted by the way the classroom lights were flickering at exactly the wrong frequency.

[ms-demeanor]

WHAT DO YOU MEAN MOST KIDS DON'T HAVE TO BE TRAINED OUT OF WALKING ON TIP TOES

[likegodapple]

When not wearing shoes, will you be wearing socks? "Always" and "never" are both very diagnostic here.

[ms-demeanor]

Well, you see, the answer to this is nuanced because I Have A System (said while groaning and putting my face in my hands).

[ms-demeanor]

Wait, listening to the same song on repeat is stimming?

[ms-demeanor]

I do not mean a normal amount of listening to the same song on repeat I mean that in October and November 2022 the only thing I listened to was Type O Negative's "Black No. 1" and I listened to it for 18 hours a day. This is, apparently, a kind of stimming.

[ms-demeanor]

*quietly hides the four playlists that I have that are just copies of one song from different recordings or releases*

[ms-demeanor]

To be clear I do not know what the normal amount is. When Large Bastard and I started dating I had a tape in my car with Tom Petty's "Dancing at the Zombie Zoo" on it that I knew exactly when to flip the other side (halfway through "Yer so Bad") so that I could flip it again and listen to Zombie Zoo again and I did that enough that Large Bastard still can't listen to Tom Petty and also it wore through the tape. So whatever normal is it is probably less than that.

[ms-demeanor]

Nope. And one of the things that made my doctors wave off the possibility of a diagnosis was "well, you don't stim or have trouble socializing or have sensory issues so you're probably just depressed and anxious."

No I just, you know, reexamined every interaction for hours after the fact and was convinced that I was evil or deeply broken for being unable to emotionally connect with people around me and had headphones hidden under my hair all the time to listen to songs on repeat so that I could pay attention to things and not get distracted by the way the classroom lights were flickering at exactly the wrong frequency.

[ms-demeanor]

WHAT DO YOU MEAN MOST KIDS DON'T HAVE TO BE TRAINED OUT OF WALKING ON TIP TOES

[likegodapple]

When not wearing shoes, will you be wearing socks? "Always" and "never" are both very diagnostic here.

[ms-demeanor]

Well, you see, the answer to this is nuanced because I Have A System (said while groaning and putting my face in my hands).