blueprint poetry

they will try to tell you you are not loveworthy

[mirabella-wreaths-deactivated20]

Sex

A hand will cross a thigh and I'll breathe a little lower For this riot must not be heard This is how you could save my soul Worship me with no words, look at me with a need you dont have a name for Usually, I'm not enough silk for the day to spin But I can summon pretty ghosts A good day, a nice smile, your lovely black eyes Feral white teeth, bewitching glowing light luring me

Cross the threshold It's just a small wound But fateful

I'll draw your hips to mine like litography A lifetime worth of lonely nights are eased, if I play-pretend The lipstick I'm wearing is just one more of the memories I'm leaving behind on you, as a pact of our youth Our movements corresponding like litany Insane, willing you out of love, out of ache, into being Inside this empty shirt under bedsheets

Hold me in your mouth like a poem of your favourite verses Turn me into a song only known in the owl-light A sound akin a flamed-coloured sky licking the wall linings And when these hands spell expertly, in their tongue of silence, your beauty I could prompt surrendering ocean swells Deliver us from the throes of this longing

-"Cross the threshold" It's just a small wound But fatal

[elainewellspoetry]

In all of my nightmares, I have been forgotten about | 3.4.24

[blueprint-poetry]

[mirainawen]

late night thoughts

[blueprint-poetry]

approaching the springtime fallout

They called me by names that were not mine, made repeated judgments they cannot take back now. I do not know how to go back, I do not know how to knock on the door, I do not know how to open my own anymore. Let them fall asleep, You said, and I obeyed, but the further I get, the more I cannot escape this resentful pain that suffocates and questions everything.

Maybe I’m wrong, I tell myself, tossing on the pain in the middle of the night. But they did send me off with these ill-wishes of grief that they never changed and never took back, just said some things they cannot take back without trying. But are they trying, I ask. No, I can answer, in the proverbial silence of my grief-stricken mind. I came so close to undoing, ungluing, I trusted, why did I trust this, their assurance? Didn’t it come to nothing in the end?

There was no gauntlet we were running, throwing, but I was standing in an arena facing foes too great for me. And for so long they said, Why don’t you trust that I will be there for you? That’s so frustrating. And I leaned in, trusted despite my fearful inhibitions, but then the winds changed and the weather wasn’t so fair and something shifted, I felt it in the bitter winds and I felt it in the words like toxic and the accusations like I expect too much or that I rely too much on connections. So I had to close the doors, and I had to sink in the waves, and I longed for kinder shores. And now I cannot go where the risks proved too in vain, and I cannot go back if that is all that is the game, triple-unchecked fingers trying to shift focus off of these mirrors.

I cannot do this, I whisper, sinking to the floor. You stand so patient but I cannot see what the point is. If I let this go, I grieve. And if I bury the misdeed then I am right back where we began. And I cannot. Cause I took all those judgments all these years that said that the way I receive love, the way I chose to trust, the things I need are demanding and should not be. So here I am, drowning in the need to feel something more than worthless, demeaned, and maybe like who I am can be accepted simply and wholly for me.

So what do I do? I repeat day in, day out, tossing on the confusion and the way they left me with all these doubts that viciously turn themselves on me. And if I admit to the way these things have hurt me then all that comes along again will be another judgment. They will not turn to say, Let us find a way to absolve you and me. And then rebuild.

I’m waiting for You to tell me how this is supposed to go. And I am waiting to see what will really slot into place. Cause all the cards fell but no one’s making a move to pick them up. And You bid me stay, and here we are. I bring my scars in hand, I bring my pain, I toss on it and I question and all I can do is wait for answers.

–blueprint poetry

[blueprint-poetry]

the gloves are off

You left me here with all these feelings And I know what happens from here is my fault The gloves are coming off, and I will take full responsibility. I watched all my tactics blow up in my face Cause you took every mistake and never let me forget it.

I wish I could throw down the gauntlet May you know the causes and all it effected and understand you made some mistakes that are never going to be okay. Let the floodgates burst, I am tired of this dam, tired of your damning eyes holding me to it, but I am never allowed to call you on it.

So here goes. Backstabber, don’t deny it. Took my confidences, betrayed my trust- traitors. Misled, misread, and then misstepped, that’s on you. A spade is a spade, and you sowed betrayal by the suit. It wasn’t so ill-suited, I suppose, when you think about how you always refused the deepest parts of me and said that I just think too deeply, think in terms too idealistic, cause I see a touchstone and I cry out to get us closer to it. The world doesn’t think that way, what a nice cop-out to say, Let’s not consider the truth of the thing Cause the world doesn’t. I know what happens from here is my fault, cause you left me alone to reflect and the gloves are burning my hands to the bone so that I am coming undone trying to get these damned things to come off. I cannot do this anymore. Why would I ever go back? You tell me, what would you do with that?

I would have done so much more in a different life, if there had been different lies than the ones you chose to live, and small-minded one, understand, that’s not on me. I would have done so much more if faith and trust and hope and love were a little more ideal than you were practicing, but you did not practice it. Cards came down, chips fell off the table-sides flipping, and you switched sides and burned some bridges I refuse to revive. I had to swim in the deep to survive.

So this dam is breaking, and the floodgates will answer a lot of questions- and I want to pose them to you. I want to make you answer me. But what happens from here is my fault, and you love to hold me to it. How I choose to deal with it is on me. So when I walk away and I cannot give you the time of day anymore, I will accept full responsibility for all that I am seeing, and all that I am feeling, because I know how very differently I would have set out to settle this matter had you had the backbone and virtue, character-driven, to put in the effort with me. I am not resurrecting dead things in the valleys that call me Ezekiel, and in this valley, we are all… so I dug down deep where the graves belied these graver versions of me and I prayed for some relief, knowing your spine was never going to absolve me. I want to swim in the Grace and living water, and escape the ashes of another fall.

What happens from here is on me, and I am picking up the hammers left at my nailed feet, and I am picking up the stones that left me bruised and breathless, so close unto death by far beyond what you could see but your tongue fell so victim to it. I am rebuilding, but I am not rebuilding temples where you left ruins for your own enjoyment. What happens from here is on me, and I am thirsting so very deeply for only the holy. This is hallowed ground now, all the places I have fallen down, all the places my blood soaked through and I am still crawling, but the burning bushes are calling and Zion is redemption in ways you haven’t let yourself dare to imagine, and while I may wander, I wander never lost down on the shores of Babylon, while you can rule whatever throne you find befitting, but the mercy seat is all I am after and yours all failed to extend it to me.

So you tell me what would you do with all the betrayal, all the confidences broken, the way you took my most vulnerable moment, how close unto death I was, and now you try to twist all this to say I was a burden. I will not be anymore. Cause I am the warrior and the lamb, a lion roaring when the wilderness threatens, and my call will call to souls that are looking for a way to get out. I died to get out, and I will keep reminding them all just what it took. Cause I sacrificed so much of me for love that would not take me in, and I paid prices too steep to keep myself from sliding, and when I hit the ground, I shattered, and all that is the matter is what became of the falls we are all prone to, and yours was to never come back and say, I’m sorry for all the ways I betrayed your faith in me. My love should be a safety net and I didn’t want the responsibility, and I made that your fault. So look at all the damage done and remember, what happens from here is on me, cause I am not trusting another damned thing to hands that are not humble enough to plead and bleed and love with me.

–blueprint poetry

[blueprint-poetry]

open letter to myself

Now we’re getting down to bedrock I pick up the stones and make an altar Cast myself on the fires Of all that came before

I bullied myself into a corner Now we come to the table to truce We stare each other down Tonight, I must admit It’s come back To haunt me

I see their faces, I hear the memories Joy turned to grief, in retrospect, Deceived

I’ve been trying, trying so hard To do all the things I ought Yes, I am so scared And no, I do not know How to never find ourselves there again And if that’s your condition for peace, Please come again with a game plan I just want to sleep And forget for the time being, But I’m putting the work in, Please see I’m putting the work in

The altars will stand as gravestones They’ll stand as testaments And maybe they’ll be all the reminder we need To sacrifice ourselves only in the name of the Holy And never again be bullied By their cop-outs Not a sacrifice we ought to make So here we are, rebuilding Their blows were knockouts I put you through the wall And you have chosen to come forward And try to restore the heart They stole from inside of me Rundown building framing A propped up, abandoned Condemned part of me

He’s pulling weeds from our nervous system It’s a root system That’s more viral Than toxicosis Running rampant

So listen, You remembered the words Remembered all the times Their friendship left a bitter taste Cause it always loved to say, Hey. You leaning in is so demanding. Hide all this. Ask nothing of me. That’s not what friends are for.

I wash my hands of it every night When I get home. I am trying so hard to come home To myself. We ran so far with a collapsing frame And nothing to show for it. And I will keep working to absolve me Where all their professions of love Refused to release me. I am not toxic, kid, I’m broken. There’s a difference. But we are not broken Like there’s something wrong with us, Unredemptive. That’s an empty threat from a coward’s heart, Two full chambers of liars And one packed with laziness, And a nice cozy little attic To self-soothe Any prick of conscience.

So listen. Keep your conscience fresh And connected, Softened and trembling, Searching. Do not sear my hand when I question now, How do we find a way out? Cause you know I died to get out, Removed the disdainful crowds from the atrium And all the players from the ring. But this arena is not empty. Truer faiths showed up Just as we were needing.

So what are we going to settle on tonight? You’ve got my peace in one hand, Hope by the other, I’m holding the grief in spades And a lot of choice words made I can’t seem to help it. Everything feels like A house of cards on the verge of collapse Like the spinal column they almost tapped Before the night we took our life back.

Every play on words is a round of choices made Over the long course of the matter Don’t go spinning words I’ve already mastered And just tell me, What do you want? Them back? Only if they change Their regard For you. Cause it’s been missing All the best parts Of you.

That’s my condition. We have to make peace, So here’s the altar once again. I built it in the wilderness When you felt like you were lost And I gave us this place to come to On our journey home To ourselves, And the garden He’s planning, Planting, Landscaping Down to the bedrock Will be breathtaking. Be not afraid of this bed we lay in, Our foundation will be renewed And we’re working with midnight oils And wicks flickering in desperate places But we have not been lost To the sight of the Anointed One Who has already led the way.

Let them play, let them muse, Let them lambast and assume We are being renewed And we are being transformed And while they drop off to sleep, Let us pray until the weeping Turns to blood running over Our hallowed heart, No longer hollowed out By irreverent hands And follow these footsteps on into The Promised Land.

–blueprint poetry

[blueprint-poetry]

laments for the fall

Take a breath and fall from the heights Everything seems like a lie The past in retrospect, only as honest as the fallout So let me fall I do not want to be dragged along Anymore

Open my hands and stare them down I really did love you all But all this love bled me out Left me high and dry When the storms fell I cannot breathe for want of the ability To make you understand But your hearts are not softened to it And mine has lost all it Had to give

So if all the negative stands so tall Would let me disappear in its shadow Cannot see me beneath His wing Then you do not see me at all And that’s blinding my better half All the Grace that bled from my bleeding heart Falling out the side of my malnourished rib- Cage broken These bones are beautiful In the light of love You just don’t see them I need something More like the man falling on Elisha’s remains And less like the room of Lazarus’s estranged Disbelieving loves

I’ve been disbelieving love for so long Waiting for it to prove me wrong So why are you so mad when I leaned in despite But all your bites Left so much to be desired And I couldn’t even be surprised? I did not make me this way And I still try every Goddamn day But He said, We have to go away Your friends dig deep, already breaking ground While you’re out here breaking down Begging to be found Worthy These gravestones will have to wait They cannot seal your fate I tore the veil, wrested the keys I have rolled the stones away All this love led you into a lion’s den Chips fell and concrete broke Your fall You’re trying so hard to breathe, Listen only to Me And all this shall pass Even should they pass away Let go the choices to be made And trust I will provide Regardless of the way You are found

I crawled, my knees shattered Limped for the hill and my salvation Praying someone would come back for me His garment led the way Do not blame me I bowed my head to pray Built an altar on these graves You tried to bury me in Why can’t you understand I would have arisen Given half the chance To be found beautiful worthy Wanted And all for me

I built an altar, blessed the broken way And I arose His hand to my side He tore apart the lies We reinforced I let you take it too far I let myself get lost in your eyes That were determined to turn to flint Should I fall again I am only human Cursed to defeat But I arise And I cannot believe your love Would forget that

God, give me the Grace To let myself become whole Broken and alone Even if it takes forty years Or forty days But I am not Him Don’t forget me now Take me into the gardens And down on distant shores If that’s what it takes To be allowed to walk out My destiny

–blueprint

[blueprint-poetry]

get them out

I want to sink into the warmth of this seat I need to stop, I need to retreat My mind is much too present I need to explore my creativity I need to write this reality I need to make these words unsaid A thousand thorns, swallowed words Need to run a little less at the speed of light Blazing out of reach of the darkness Cause we only cycle around To chasing it down And I’m so tired Fighting useless wars Lord knows the deck is stacked I’m not holding any cards I lost hope of ever winning Knew how quickly the time would run out They’d count their nickels and dimes And take me out with another ride Leave me wondering why It’s why I made a grab for the knife That night And barely made it out alive I barely made it out alive

And I want to sink into this wave Let it carry all this away Through the floodgates All the things I wasn’t allowed to say All the people I wasn’t supposed to be All this lost little girl inside of me Begging No one likes an urchin So I went

And I need to make sense Of all of this What it is I’ve been missing Cause all along it was a part of me Central and crucial And deprived Striving desperately to survive Wondering if we’d make it out alive Or die trying Short and wanting Never known, but always found Shortchanged

It was a desperate vein Summer’s refrain, a winter strain A virus uncontained Wiggled its way to my heart Set a fire I can’t restrain Made it so difficult to breathe Left me with a satisfying relief I could sink Let the water burn my lungs Until I drown So understand, I died to get out Cut arms and feet and anything at all That told me to retreat Hide the darkest parts of me Bespoke relief To see me hide me

Well I want to sink into the warmth of this seat Tried and true destined mercy He stands His ground and bids them leave me And I am grieving but I am Finding love lavished for me And anyone who’d withhold it Is holding life hostage We just won’t stand it

–blueprint

[blueprint-poetry]

arguing myself out of the corner

You stumble in, hand to your side Looking like you tripped over a landmine And you gave each one a name It’s always the same I don’t know if it’ll ever change

We can count every rib, every stitch Count the times they turned away in the panic Count the stars and the shatter Count all the things that add up to the matter And after all of this, They still can’t tell you what the point is

Working throat and thirsting lips Belly and bones, malnourished I have pulled on every scar, every itch Wondered what the truth is We talk and we fight and we settle down But listen, kid There are some things they will never understand And that’s what the truth is

No, we will not touch the medication You know we only need it when We’re forced to alter what state we’re in If we can’t function or have to hide They only take it for so long And never take it to the depth Never just let me be

Chemical alteration Made them feel so connected Chemical debilitation Wired my brain to wreckage We fight fire with fire And argue over who set it Let it all go up in flame While we waste this It’s so pointless

Touch-starved and love-deprived I know who you are inside They refused who lived inside That’s fine, it’s just What isn’t meant for us

So come here, I know you’re scared I’m angry Cause we’re broken and all they could see Was another reason not to love me Unconditionally Falling from cliffs of conditional Making messes on the sub-dermal Surface tension Of being human It’s okay I’ll keep saying it Til we believe it

And we’re crying a lot lately, I know The dam broke and everything came out, And as much as it hurt, you have to understand it: It sloughed off all the snuff we never needed, Anyone who left when the weather defeated Their fair parade Birds of a feather Flocking together In their sunshine day But you know, everything comes in seasons And passes in cycles Sometimes you have to migrate by night Light of the moon, under cloud or over fire And they just can’t take it? Not a life we can have for granted, Holding hands with a stranded Frame of mind It wasn’t okay this time Cause they promised it was safe, We trust-fell, blacked out, thought we’d get a way out- Woke up in a lions den, Listening to unweathered friends Wagging tongues in an unpromised land The sound of their feet, fleeing Beady eyes gleaming Thirsty tongues sniffing The scent of blood in the air We were hemorrhaging it And they, they led the pride right to us Left us in these ruins Had the nerve to say, You know it’s your fault it happened this way BUT IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT IT HAPPENED THIS WAY.

Listen to me. Their fearful pride has been lying. Don’t tell me you haven’t seen it. Promises of safety, promises of love, When the chips are down you know what they’re made of, Earth crumbling and off come the gloves Worthless words in empty tombs Cutting sky-scraping ruins From tabletop games They love to play ’em.

We shattered in the wake unheld Woke to find they’d broken ground And we weren’t even dead yet.

It’s bad And I’m sorry It’s bad And I’m sorry It’s bad And I’m sorry

You just keep repeating Echoes of your skin shredding Rib-cage exploding Sirens screaming We’re pacing Hospital floors cause we couldn’t be alone Clocked out and couldn’t make it home Running off ghosts unknown And phones are ringing They call it an emergency But We feel nothing.

So tell me, Is this imagination Or ideation? Are we falling or flying, Jumping from ledges They cut open inside us No one’s answering And God dammit, Isn’t it time We take our life Back.

They ran, so cut them out ruthless, We’ve suffered endless, And isn’t it time We end it?

Oh, give me the knife, I’ll do it. They want to leave us in ruin, We’ll undo it. Grab the pen and burst an artery, They lent hands to make us bleed? We’ll bleed them a whole God damn symphony And in the future, they’ll remember Memorialize their dismembered Untruths We took the lies and fashioned a pyre Set alight and exposed the liars

They sent the lions after us, Unleashed the wolves Well we’ve been running this darkness a long time Our vision’s sharper now They’ve got a lot to answer now, But listen.

Right now you’re bleeding, Sitting in these rags, screaming, Just needing Something soothing. It’s not like we ever intended To get caught with our self out over The bombs when they went off. We didn’t even know they’d be there. We tried believing in better things Than all our fears had us reeling Instinctively to. Oh, don’t do it. You know I never put you up to it. Don’t go reaching for a garrote. How do I convince myself It’s not worth it?

Okay. Let’s start over.

You stumble in. Your head’s cracked apart again. You’re bleeding, ribs pried open. You’ve changed a lot but the history Is what matters. You’re counting pieces like stars In the universe. There are too many. Okay. So. You tell me, Is a love like that worth saving? And who cares what these worthless words mean The meaning is in the framing Of just what kind of words they are. Ah, yes, I know. Of all the things they are, They’re also insidious. Snuck inside your broken little heart. Took a few turns about the atrium. Pounded home a few more worthless Ones, And that’s just the way they got ’em. You’re broken. It’s calling You a thousand things That they love to echo. I’ve always been you, I know.

So listen, This Was not Your fault.

How do I convince myself to let it go? We know all about the part We fell into. Roles we never wanted To enable. And now they’ve left us so unable To put pressure On all these stage left exit wounds We were left with.

And they ran, they came out Guns blazing We were at our most vulnerable, Exposed, unable These are the choices they made. You have to remember that.

And I know it’s hard To figure out how To forgive them without spinning This And making it all your fault. It was not your fault. But you and I both know We don’t know how else to let it go, And that’s not fair. Because we’ve been suffocating under that lie While they all refused to give us space To fall apart and be safe.

And if this is the kind of game they want to play With their gifted lives, It’s not one they get to play with mine. We’re on a mission They’re never gonna understand. Don’t know what we’re meant for So they don’t know what we’re made of, But they’ll find out. Throw down the hatchets, shovels, gloves, They’ve been erecting gravestones But we’ll bury the tools they’re misusing And claw our way out of ruin. We have to. It’s the only way to show ’em.

So thank you for laying down the fall And going home tonight. Assembling words instead of flights From unfolding heights And making ourself visible In all this battened glory, Beaten, bruised, a little misused, But still Beloved. We didn’t find ourselves in ruin, He found us in the dark and tombs And tore through the veil They’d placed over the face of death And called life. It was the only life they’d speak, But He still sings great and mighty Melodies Over the ruined heart Inside of me.

–blueprint poetry

[blueprint-poetry]

(diss)connection

The worst stress I’ve ever spent All these dreams that never end All the ways I cannot win The time and the thieves They find me in the middle of the night They take the life right out of me I’m tossing, turning, returning I revisit a thousand times to a dozen tries Little more than a psych

All your self-care and love cannot fulfill What I long for is deeper still I was made this way, cannot change it I am enough, I say to this place And it echoes my despair

It wasn’t what I wanted, I wasn’t what They wanted All this distress has me on edge I fall from the ledge Sink in the wave after wave Sometimes wish I was dead Just so it would be over But not because I want to die

All your self-care and love cannot fulfill What I long for is deeper still I was made this way, cannot change it I am enough, I say to this place And it echoes my despair

I cannot sink into this Body Disconnected from me I want to feel the hands and the bones Count the ribs in all the malnourished sides Fear the pain when we bite We reject the life we’ve been given to give This is no way to live But we push away anything that wouldn’t dream of Leaving us alone

All your self-care and love cannot fulfill What I long for is deeper still I was made this way, cannot change it I am enough, I say to this place And it echoes my despair

I longed for so much more For that I was told I needed to go Stop making them feel, don’t think I am enough, I say to my despair And it mocks my call And they pushed me, they pushed me From the fold And in this desert, I am alone But You still search to bring me home Tell me, where is home?

–blueprint poetry

[blueprint-poetry]

unused (to) truth

I see the scars Over your heart Harden into Something I can’t Even get through When did the stars Fall from heaven to your earth And cause all this hurt

Where were they when the pain Wrapped you up in chains And where were they When you needed an escape Standing in your way Gave you keys and a slap to the face Cause it was only a fake

And what would it take for you To be willing to let me walk through All the damage they made All the mistakes? And what would it take to cut through All the walls the scars turned to Cause baby there was nothing else to do But I am here, I am here for you I know you’re not used to It being true

Do you believe I am brave I am not too cowardly You could not scare me away Tell me when did all this betrayal Dig such a rift Through your faith Just let me see it all

What would it take for you To be willing to let me walk through All the damage they made All the mistakes? And what would it take to cut through All the walls the scars turned to Cause baby there was nothing else to do But I am here, I am here for you I know you’re not used to It being true

You are as strong as your toughest scars You are only as broken as the tears in your heart And you’ve pulled every stitch through Your most delicate places You cry when I touch it We’ve never been touched this gently Where the wounds won’t mend They met our pain with chains And left us in the ruin Forgive them, they know not what they’re doing

And what would it take for you To be willing to let me walk through All the damage they made All the mistakes? And what would it take to cut through All the walls the scars turned to Cause maybe there was nothing else to do But I am here, I am here for you I know you’re not used to It being true

–blueprint poetry

[blueprint-poetry]

the people like me

I’m up again at midnight Scrubbing at my skin Changing bed sheets And doing everything I can To control this In silence

If you don’t get this I’m not writing it for you You were never going to accept me For me Poet and hurt feelings I’m just speaking to the abyss And the abyss will answer me Cause somewhere out there They get me

I’m pacing for forgiveness And I’m spinning my thoughts At lightning speed With a driving need To put them to words And you were just never going to get it Always begging for me To be silent

So if you don’t get this I’m not writing it for you You were never going to accept me For me Poet and hurt feelings I’m just speaking to the abyss And the abyss will answer me Cause somewhere out there They get me

I call it, say it, see it I’m writing for the chance To change this world This world you would let decline Say it’s a lost chance in my mind I’m up again at midnight Cause you got me stuck in mine Wondering why Trying to put out the fire inside Why in the world were you always so desperate For me to hide me away And forget anything I had to say

But you are never going to get it I’m not writing it for you Cause somewhere out there They get it

–blueprint poetry

[blueprint-poetry]

floodgates

I went away And the dam starts to break I find all the things I needed to say And just what could it mean To dare this greatly

There were places in me You never wanted to be Cast your eyes on the weakest parts Tested integrity and started me crumbling Asked me, please silent the deepest parts But I’m finding everything that’s been missing til now All these words come flooding out I’m remembering how

6th night in a row I’m up at midnight Cause I can’t sleep Trying to write this fire out of me All this grief Gravity has such a hold on me I’m trying to rewrite the pain out of me Cause you banked so much of me Then cut at the deepest places, Put me to sleep Told me I couldn’t be I am no longer listening

There were places in me You never wanted to be Cast your eyes on the weakest parts Tested integrity and started me crumbling Asked me, please silent the deepest parts But I’m finding everything that’s been missing til now All these words come flooding out I’m remembering how

I went away And the dam starts to break I’m finding all I needed to say Everything comes flooding out So you’d better find a way out I will not be cowed I’m batting a thousand now

There were places in me You never wanted to be Cast your eyes on the weakest parts Tested integrity and started me crumbling Asked me, please silent the deepest parts But I’m finding everything that’s been missing til now All these words come flooding out I’m remembering how

–blueprint poetry

[blueprint-poetry]

love me

Can you navigate this Dangerous space I’m lost in a world With no room for me All these vultures Circling They never stopped telling me I’m unacceptable No, they refused to accept me Took so much of my love I lost all I had for me

I have to find my own way Remove all your lies and your judgments You never had room for me To be myself You cut off any part of me That started to peek through

I’m gonna love myself the way I wanted you to love me

I have to navigate But I will not negotiate With everything in my way Even if it’s all this love inside of me Cause I loved you so much I thought eventually You would love me Just as I was No such

All these vultures Circling They never stopped telling me I’m unacceptable No, they refused to accept me Took so much of my love I lost all I had for me

I’m gonna love myself the way I wish you loved me

And I have to unfriend all the fear That turned on me I was so scared of losing you Unreliable love was still better Than certain loss And loneliness I cannot give ground I was never going to be found

Worthy! Worthy! You could not love me Worthy! Worthy! All your cowardice, your anger, your fear Whatever the truth is You refused to love me Worthy

I have to love myself the way I wanted you to love me

–blueprint poetry

[blueprint-poetry]

when I'm gone

You can speak to the atmosphere When I am gone Whisper how it’s all my fault Cause the world doesn’t operate this way I’m not trying to change the world at large I believe in love navigating our worst fears And determining to fly over and over again And holding on when the world doesn’t want us to Operate this way

And you can say that it’s on me I expect too much because I believe Love is a commitment, a fulfillment Of everything the darkness doesn’t want us to have There are places in your head and your heart You won’t let the light shine on My heart runs out but my spirit is strong You have so many lies in your place To self soothe Say whatever you want I’m long gone

For a place, a time, a will Someone to meet me where I am, be still Not turn their backs on me to say Love is the reason you don’t deserve to be loved You’ve got it all wrong

I just shrug as you walk away Someday when you wake You’ll realize I was not the mistake You took me to be And you can whisper your fears When I am no longer here to take them And tell me what is it like When you realize I wasn’t wrong

You can say it’s on me I expect too much because I believe Love is a commitment, a fulfillment Of everything the darkness doesn’t want us to have There are places in your head and your heart You won’t let the light shine on My heart runs out but my spirit is strong You have so many lies in your place To self soothe Say whatever you want I’m long gone

For a place, a time, a will Someone to meet me where I am, be still Not turn their backs on me to say Love is the reason you don’t deserve to be loved You’ve got it all wrong

You always sent me away, you were relieved Cause your love couldn’t hope to believe There was any other way to see me I was always the burden you never wanted to carry You were relieved I hid the weight of me

So you can speak to the atmosphere When I am gone Whisper how it’s all my fault And tell your cold and dying heart All your fears I am no longer here

You can say it’s on me I expect too much because I believe Love is a commitment, a fulfillment Of everything the darkness doesn’t want us to have There are places in your head and your heart You won’t let the light shine on My heart runs out but my spirit is strong You have so many lies in place To self soothe Say whatever you want I’m long gone

For a place, a time, a will Someone to meet me where I am, be still Not turn their backs on me to say Love is the reason you don’t deserve to be loved

You can whisper to the atmosphere When I am long gone, What have I done?

–blueprint poetry

[blueprint-poetry]

your so-called witnesses

What am I supposed to do with all this anger I don’t want to answer You, I want You to answer me Cause You can break the heart of a man who is suffering You could soften the hearts that abandoned me Why couldn’t You show them To love me And why did You place such a burden Upon me?

Cause I watched from windows As they picked my life apart Vultures whispering Of everything I should’ve done Belittled my heart when they’d seen it Found my bones and buried them And told me, All this death Is your doing.

I want You to tell me Why I’m the one suffering And why Your witnesses Were silent standing Shrugging a shoulder when the battle was over And said I should have fought harder

They took my love and told me It wasn’t good enough Every bit of honesty pleading For a deeper thing But it’s on me, they told me You expect too much If you expect a single thing And still, I am the one who is guilty

And how will I ever know it When it’s a real thing I dogged Your steps in hopes of Getting it And still they insisted Then resisted And finally, rejected And I’m the one who is out here all alone While they still call themselves A higher throne And somehow it seems, You let them Your sorrow beckoning Your hopes surrendering Your mighty unraveling Barreling I’m falling Breaking Crumbling Steps away from Dying Had it all at hand Now I’m Suffering

Why do You let them Claim Your name in all this vanity Parlay it around Like a parlor trick You know it got me I spent decades searching We’re pushing The shadow of the years And I still cannot allay All these feelings of fear Cause I want You to answer me So I can understand why I am suffering In all this vain and useless love That took all the life from me And my bones are brittle, They do not support me

I need a transplant And a safer organ Cause this heart is deceiving And so easily deceived Cause all the witnesses patrol these halls Try to kick me from the fold When I am cold and starved and pleading Love me now, I am not unworthy But You have not cast Your judgment Upon their willful heads So bless me, I guess But don’t let this madness spread I’m sick and I need help And I cannot do this myself They’re so deceiving Blame me For hurting Longing Shamed for needing And suffocating on deprivation

So answer me, If I am worthy of love, Why was it ever okay That they could withhold it, Circle like vultures When I dared admit it And now they say I am the one who is toxic I am the one Who is shamed For asking for it I am the one Who should never need To be taken for me

And I don’t know what to do with all this anger I don’t want to answer You, I want You to answer me How could You ever let them Get away with it How do I never again Be taken in By the hearts of lazy men So at home with Shifting the blame on me Simply because I exist

–blueprint poetry

[blueprint-poetry]

truth’s out

I cannot sleep tonight That’s fine My skin is all that keeps me From going everywhere I’m itchy Clawing at myself, I want to escape I just don’t know where to take My thoughts This head is too messy Trying to make sense Of a world full of people in it Unwilling, broken, bleeding, And senseless They’re so unwittingly Complicatedly Messed up So tell me what the fuck Am I supposed to do

There are no easy answers The only answer is we’re all still searching We want the truth but not where it leads Not if it asks anything of me Tell me, what good is a ransomed heart If all it does is hide in the dark

All the lights are out, I put the mattress on the ground I want the street lights to go out I want silence, a golden glow To chase out the dark Just give me a gentle touch And maybe my nervous system Will give me peace But we’re alone tonight A million miles apart You always told me I needed too much So I live alone and I talk to myself And I’m trying to convince myself I’m worth all this goddamn work I keep putting in for no reward No reciprocation All this work everyone said I needed too much of So I’m trying to convince myself All my worst fears are nothing more than A prophet’s intuition Shouldn’t it be easier, I’ve been grieving so much longer Than your timing could ever know You were always ten minutes late Without a shift ever made I’m still trying to figure out who I am Cause I made all these adjustments So much of me hidden Hoping someday I’d finally be pardoned Deemed worthy of all the love Spent elsewhere

There are no easy answers The only answer is we’re all still searching We want the truth but not where it leads Not if it asks anything of me Tell me, what good is a ransomed heart If all it does is hide in the dark

This is the part of me I’m protecting She was so delicate and I couldn’t take it Never again will I let you tell me I shouldn’t be who I am

–blueprint poetry