How do you fix a love that’s been dying for years? How do feel about love that’s been lonely for months. How do you sit in a house that feels filled with ghosts. The ghost of a once beautiful union. Ghost roam the halls of the house that once felt like home. Home is a past the exists in the past. All that’s left is memories and empty wishes.
My head throbbed, a dull, persistent ache that mirrored the confusion swirling in my mind. I blinked, trying to focus on the ornate ceiling above me. The room was familiar, too familiar. The heavy velvet curtains, the antique furniture, the scent of old wood and something subtly…spicy? It was a Mikaelson scent, for sure. Panic tightened its grip. How did I get here? The last thing I remembered was…Alaric. The stake. The burning pain.
I shot up in bed, ignoring the wave of dizziness that threatened to pull me under. My hand flew to my neck, finding the faint prick of teeth marks. Vampire bite. But I was alive. I was healed.
“Liberty,” I whispered, the name a breath of relief. My twin. She must have found me, healed me. She was the only one I trusted with my life, the only one who knew the truth about…
A searing flash ripped through my brain. A face, impossibly handsome, with eyes that held centuries of pain and mischief. Klaus. His hand in mine, the warmth of his smile as he watched me sing a broken melody on a rickety porch swing. His lips on mine, a kiss that stole my breath and set my soul on fire.
Then, darkness.
Another flash. Klaus, his voice raspy with emotion, confessing his love for me beneath a sky full of stars. He was sketching me in his art room, a smile on his face as I played with his charcoal pencils.
“No,” I choked out, clutching my head. “That’s not real. It can’t be.”
Dustin. My life in Nashville. My music. The ease and comfort of a normal relationship. That was my reality. Wasn’t it?
The memories intensified, becoming a flood. Klaus teaching me to play pool in a smoky bar. Klaus defending me against a group of drunk guys who wouldn’t leave me alone. Klaus holding me close as I cried after a particularly bad audition.
“Hallie?” The voice was soft, hesitant. I whipped around to see Liberty standing in the doorway, her expression a mixture of relief and concern.
“Libby? What’s going on? What am I doing here?” I asked, my voice trembling.
“You were attacked, Hallie. Alaric. He almost killed you,” she said gently, stepping closer.
“I know that. But…Klaus…” The name caught in my throat.
“Hallie, I’ve been trying to tell you. He compelled you. He made you forget,” Liberty said, her voice pleading. “He made you forget everything you felt for him.”
“No! That’s crazy. Klaus would never…” But even as I said the words, doubt gnawed at me. The memories were too vivid, too real. The way he looked at me, the things he said…
“He did, Hallie. Please, believe me. I saw it. I felt the magic. He used a memory potion on you after he had
Gloria create it..”
Tears welled in my eyes. “Why? Why would he do that to me?”
“Because he thought he was protecting you,” Liberty said, taking my hand. “He thought he was saving you from himself.”
I pulled away, shaking my head. “That doesn’t make any sense. If he loved me…”
“Hallie, Klaus Mikaelson is a complicated man. He’s capable of great love and great cruelty. You know that.”
I did know that. I just didn’t want to believe it.
Another memory surfaced. Klaus, his face etched with pain, telling me he couldn’t be with me. He said he wasn’t good for me, that I deserved someone better. He said he was doing it for my own good.
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out the images. “I don’t understand. If he wanted me gone, why did he save me? Why did he heal me?”
“He didn’t,” Liberty said softly. “I did.”
I looked at her, confused. “But…how?”
“I learned a few new tricks while you were busy falling for a hybrid,” she said with a wry smile. “Let’s just say I have a friend who owes me a favor.”
I wanted to ask more questions, but a knot of anxiety tightened in my stomach. I could hear voices downstairs, raised in anger. One of them was definitely Rebekah. The other…
“Klaus,” I breathed. “He’s here.”
My heart lurched. A mixture of joy, disbelief, and white-hot rage surged through me. He was alive. He was here. And he had stolen my memories, my feelings, my life.
I stood up, my legs shaky, but my resolve firm. “I need to talk to him.”
Liberty tried to stop me, but I pushed past her, determined. I had to know the truth. I had to understand why he had done this to me. As I reached the bottom of the grand staircase, I saw them. Rebekah and Klaus were standing in the living room, face to face, their voices echoing off the high ceilings.
“…you can’t just waltz back in here and expect everything to be the same, Nik!” Rebekah was yelling, her blonde hair flying around her face. “You’re supposed to be dead! Alaric staked you with the white oak! What happened?”
“Suffice it to say, I found a way,” Klaus said, his voice dangerously calm. “What matters is that I’m here. And I’m not going anywhere.”
He looked different. More…solid. The haunted look he'd carried for so long seemed to have lifted. He was back in his own body, the one I thought had turned to ash.
Then his eyes landed on me. The air crackled with unspoken energy. His gaze burned into mine, and for a moment, the world seemed to fade away. I saw the flicker of surprise, then something deeper, something that looked like…longing?
“Hallie,” he said, his voice soft, almost reverent.
That was all it took. The dam inside me broke.
“You!” I screamed, my voice raw with emotion. “You did this to me! You stole my memories! You made me forget!”
My magic surged to the surface, responding to my anger, my pain. The chandeliers rattled, the windows vibrated, and the air filled with a tangible sense of power.
“Hallie, stop,” Liberty pleaded, grabbing my arm.
But I couldn’t stop. I wouldn’t stop. Not until I had answers. Not until I made him understand the depth of his betrayal.
“Incendia memoria! Revela veritatem!” I chanted, the ancient words ripping from my throat. A wave of energy slammed into Klaus, knocking him back against the wall. He gasped, his eyes widening in shock. He looked like I had hit him with a sledgehammer.
“What have you done?” Rebekah hissed, stepping between us.
“I’m making him remember what he did to me!” I shouted, my voice shaking with rage.
Klaus pushed himself off the wall, his expression hardening. “You shouldn’t have done that, Hallie.”
Before I could react, he was on me. He moved with a speed that was impossible for a human, grabbing my wrists and pinning me against the nearest wall. His eyes burned into mine, and I felt a jolt of fear mixed with a strange, unwelcome thrill.
“Let me go!” I yelled, struggling against his grip.
“You’re playing with fire, Hallie,” he said, his voice low and dangerous. “You don’t understand what you’re up against.”
“I understand that you’re a manipulative, controlling bastard who can’t stand the thought of someone being happy without you!” I spat, my voice dripping with venom.
His grip tightened on my wrists. “That’s not true.”
“Oh, really? Then why did you do it, Klaus? Why did you steal my memories? Why did you make me forget that I ever loved you?”
His eyes flickered with pain. “Because I can’t be with you, Hallie. I never could.”
“That’s bullshit!” I screamed. “You loved me! I know you did! I remember!”
“It doesn’t matter,” he said, his voice flat. “It’s better this way. You’re better off without me.”
“No, I’m not! I was happy! I was with you! And you took that away from me!” Tears streamed down my face, blurring my vision. I hated him. I hated him for what he had done to me. But deep down, a part of me still loved him. A part of me always would.
“You don’t know what love is, Nik,” I said, my voice cracking. “Love isn’t forcing someone to forget that they ever loved you. Love is…” I trailed off, unable to articulate the feeling that had been stolen from me. “Well, I don’t know what it’s like because of how I was raised by my alcoholic drinking mother and supposedly my magic altering father who I have never met. I thought…I thought you would be different. I thought that you could…would show me what it’s like. But you’re not capable of love.”
I tried to pull away from him, but his grip tightened, his fingers digging into my wrists. He tugged me closer, his body pressing against mine.
“Don’t say that,” he whispered, his voice hoarse. “You know that’s not true.”
“Then prove it,” I challenged, my voice trembling. “Prove that you’re capable of love. Prove that you’re not the monster everyone says you are.”
He stared at me for a long moment, his eyes searching mine. I saw the conflict raging within him, the battle between the darkness and the light. Then, he lowered his head, his lips hovering just above mine. My breath caught in my throat. The world seemed to shrink, focusing on the space between us.
His lips brushed against mine, a feather-light touch that sent shivers down my spine. Then, he deepened the kiss, his mouth claiming mine with a hunger that mirrored my own. I closed my eyes, surrendering to the moment. His arms wrapped around me, pulling me closer, his body molding against mine. I could feel his heart racing, his breath coming in ragged gasps.
The kiss deepened, becoming more urgent, more demanding. His tongue traced the seam of my lips, begging for entrance. I opened my mouth, inviting him in.
Our tongues danced together, a silent conversation of desire and longing. I moaned softly, lost in the sensation. His hands moved down my back, cupping my hips, pulling me tighter against him. I had never felt anything like this before. The intensity of his touch, the heat of his kiss, the way he made me feel…it was intoxicating.
His hands moved up my shirt, skimming my skin, sending sparks of electricity through my veins. He unhooked my bra, his fingers brushing against my breasts. I gasped, arching my back, giving him better access. He cupped my breasts in his hands, his thumbs teasing my nipples.
I moaned again, louder this time, my body trembling with need. I wanted him. I wanted him more than I had ever wanted anything in my life.
He pulled away from my lips, his breath hot against my ear. “Hallie,” he whispered, his voice thick with desire. “I want you.”
I looked up at him, my eyes glazed with passion. “I want you too, Klaus.”
He picked me up, his arms strong and sure, and carried me towards the staircase. I wrapped my legs around his waist, burying my face in his neck. He carried me up the stairs, two at a time, until we reached his bedroom. He kicked the door shut behind us, the sound echoing in the silent room.
He laid me gently on the bed, his eyes never leaving mine. He leaned over me, his hands framing my face.
“Are you sure about this, Hallie?” he asked, his voice soft.
I nodded, my heart pounding in my chest. “Yes.”
He kissed me again, a slow, sensual kiss that left me breathless. He pulled away, his eyes filled with a mixture of desire and hesitation. He reached for the hem of my shirt, his fingers trembling slightly. He pulled it over my head, tossing it onto the floor.
He gazed at me, his eyes filled with admiration. I felt a blush creep up my neck, but I didn’t look away. I wanted him to see me, all of me. He reached for the clasp of my jeans, his fingers fumbling with the metal. He finally managed to undo it, and he slowly pulled the zipper down.
I held my breath, waiting for him to continue. But he stopped, his hand resting on my hip. He looked at me, his eyes filled with pain. “I can’t do this,” he whispered, his voice choked with emotion.
I frowned, confused. “What? Why not?”
“Because if I do this now, I’ll ruin you,” he said, his voice thick with regret. “I’ll taint you. And I can’t do that, Hallie. I love you too much.”
He stood up, turning away from me. He walked over to the window, staring out at the night.
I sat up in bed, pulling the sheet around me. “I don’t understand,” I said, my voice trembling.
“You will,” he said, his voice barely audible. “Someday, you’ll understand.”
I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why he had brought me here, why he had kissed me, why he had undressed me, only to stop at the last moment.
I wanted him. I wanted him so badly it hurt. But he was right. This wasn’t right. Not now. Not after everything that had happened.
I stood up, my legs shaky, and walked over to him. I wrapped my arms around his waist, burying my face in his back.
“Nik,” I whispered, my voice filled with gratitude.
He turned around, his eyes filled with tears. “Songbird, go spread your wings without me”
“But you said that,” I said, looking up at him. “Do you - do you still love me?”
He smiled, a sad, wistful smile. He reached up and brushed a stray strand of hair from my face. “I’ll always love you, Hallie,” he said, his voice soft. “But I can’t be with you. Not now. Not ever.”
He pulled away from me, walking towards the door. He paused, looking back at me one last time.“Goodbye, Hallie,” he said, his voice filled with regret.
Then, he turned and walked out of the room, leaving me alone in the darkness. Clutching the Star necklace with his blood inside that still hung around my neck I didn’t know what to feel now or what direction I should truly go now.
This is a rather uncommon gift we've been given as readers. Not a book, but a very long letter from Kafka to his father. A letter never read by the intended recipient. There's a lot of anguish, anxiety, and suffering to be found in what the letter broaches. A super in-depth look at the failings of their father-son relationship. Complex as only familial links can be. A relationship that at this stage could not be made right again. Really, this is the type of book that would be of interest mostly to Kafka scholars or those fans wishing to understand the writer better. And understand they will, because I think the father's gaslighting and double binds explain a lot of the bureaucratic nightmares that create anxiety so masterfully in Kafka's fiction. You can trace the origin readily. Without such a father, Kafka likely would've been an entirely different kind of writer. Or perhaps not a writer at all. The other reader who might find this work to be of interest would likely be someone who has father issues of their own. 5/5 stars.
it's the kind of grief you feel as you lose someone you'd thought of spending the rest of your days together. being associated with this complicated emotion is unfitting for someone who hates being tied down by it.
am I a traitor for abandoning the love I begged for and choosing to search for somewhere else? why do I feel like a traitor even though there's nothing between us anymore? what is this emotion that I feel as I struggle to regain my old self?
no, I tried to put them all behind me. the history that we shared, the memories that I soon forget but the sadness and the anger that I had felt is still very much alive. somebody like you doesn't deserve to be remembered and cherished but how do I deal with the grief that comes with losing that part of me?
I see my reflection in the mirror, I see the sadness and the grief in those hazel orbs every single day. they're getting better but they're still there. simply hidden from view but able to resurface at the right moment, with the right words.
these remind me of the overflowing sadness i felt, the thought of betraying the love i had once felt but alas, i knew it was false. you moved on too, now with a new beau as if i barely mattered. i thought i did but i guess we had our ways to grief.
it's the kind of grief i felt when you showed me her, not knowing what i ought to do or say but it tipped me over the edge when you thanked God for sending her to you, for you said the same thing to me when i came into your life.
do you say the same thing to every girl you meet?
how dare you?
i hope you get reminded of me every single time you listen to a song, or see a piece of media. i hope you get reminded of the pain and the suffering you caused me with every word you spat in my direction. i hope you don't get to live the live you sought for easily. i hope you suffer for the rest of your life.
that we hadn't made enough of an effort to hold onto each other, thinking we were headed the same way.
after all this time, i still don't have the capability to imagine a future without u laughing in it.
i, somehow, thought u'd always be by my side, past today into tomorrow, but that was only a lie we'd told ourselves.
somehow, along the way, we ended up letting go,
and
now
i'm staring at my empty hand and wondering where on earth u went, where all the time went. who said u were allowed to go? who was the one who loosened their fingers first?
i still don't know. The worst of it is, it could have been me. Maybe it was my fault i lost u. and that guilt towards myself, u know, i can't bear it.
It is ripping my face apart with my own hands. It is suffocating myself on a rope.
