TheGiftofBlueWine

http://howtoacceptmyselfforwhoiam.blogspot.co.uk

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I don’t know

That's what you say to me That's what I get Your head is full You have a lot going on in it But not me, none of that is me. You're not my friend You're not my lover I was right, my instincts. I was being used I don't think you knew it but then again I don't know What kind of answer is that? How can you not know if you have feelings for me? Am I just misreading everything? Are you just a good liar? Maybe you car, but not enough My heart was yours, it's a shame you didn't want it.

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3 Strikes

Do I love you I don't think I even know you Love - a strong feeling of affection. Tick. On paper it's a yes. Another one - A deep feeling of affection or sexual love. Sexual love, tick. That's easy. Deep affection, that's tricky example given I'd love a cup of tea. Now what does that mean? If I want you like I want tea then I must love you? No wonder this is had It seems as though nobody has a grasp on it Okay, so I think I love you but am I in love with you? That's a whole new ball game One I am not yet trained for. I love you. Now I have to find that paper thin line between bitch and pushover. Between pull and push. Yes and no. I love you, yes. I care, yes. 3 strikes, 3 chances, fair game and vice versa.

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Vowels

A E I O U? R U Sure? I mean, I took a quarter then a half then some powder in the bath But now I'm touching up my friends And I'm messaging again I miss U, I want U IOU I forget my place I forget I actually have none My place is in these arms These wandering hands That I don't really want But I might need To forget my wandering mind I'll send just one more Just one so I know for sure I mean I don't really know that question But with my best intentions I'll proceed Again I know too needy But a little seedy Dirty talk should do the trick Send 12 comes and 12 goes and 12 comes and 12 goes Hello? Mr no show? Where R U? 12:32 And through the distance and the fog A message it comes through I miss you too Yeah right you do I am the shit and I should know it And so I lounge in the sun My conquest is done And I bask in the glory of my drunk texts But the weekend isn't over And contrary to popular belief This 21 year olds' tolerance is quite brief So with no kind of relief came Sunday Not a fun day Might as well have been a fucking Monday And I messaged And trust me it was bad And I regret everything that I had As a weekend of fun it was crazy and great But man did it fuck up my next date.

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StopStart

Stop Start,Stop Start,Stop Start, Stop Start,Stop Start,Stop Start, Stop Start,Stop Start,You Me, Stop Start,Stop Start,Stop Start, Stop Start,Stop Start,Stop Start, Me You, Stop Start,Stop Start, Stop Start, Me Them, Stop Start, Stop Start, Stop Start, Us Them, Stop Start, Stop Start, Stop Start, Stop, Overwhelmed is an understatement, Stop Start, confused with the yes and no, Stop Start, Hold on, Stop Start, Wait, Stop Start, I need a moment, Stop Start, I need to think, Stop Start,Stop Start,Stop Start, Breath.

Hit me, go on hit me, I want it, Stop Start, Hurry up, Stop Start, Hurry up, Stop Start, Hurry up and hit me, Stop Start, What the fuck are you doing? Stop Start, Hit me, Stop Start, HIT ME, Stop Start, HIT ME, Stop.

Stop Start,Stop Start,Stop Start, Stop Start,Stop Start,Stop Start, Stop Start, I'll do this until I'm bruised, Until I bleed, Until I can't stop, You're one of the only things that can stop it, Stop Start, Stop Start, Stop Start, Stop Start, Stop Start, back and forth, to and fro, my heart could break if I let you know. It's certain to fail if I let you go. That's not on you It's on me, I know. Stop Start,Stop Start,Stop Start, Stop Start, but you quicken the pace with uncompromising strength. And who is the winner the saint or the sinner, Stop Start, Stop Start, Stop Start, Stop Start,what is the price of ownership, slave or servant what will it be? Stop Start, Stop Start, Stop Start, Stop Start, Stop Start, equality can not be measured by comparative dick sizes when you don't have one. Stop Start, Stop Start, Stop Start, Stop. If I don't want to be taken for a ride, maybe I have to learn how to drive.

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Through the skin of my teeth

Through the skin of my teeth That's what we say Everyone know that there is no skin Teeth are exposed, breakable, easily chipped. It's nonsense yet it's sensible We know what it means It's very difficult to articulate To give meaning and communicate What is encased in your skull daunting to even attempt. Because to let something in you ave to let something out You have to be vulnerable you ave to expose yourself So that's what I've done What  I'll continue to do I will give everything I might die I might kill myself But that was sure to happen anyway I won't live in fear I won't live in fear full stop Through the blood, sweat, tears, coping mechanisms, breakdowns, awkward silences, weird moods, emotions and skin of my teeth. I'll bite, I'll hold on I'll let you in maybe not forever But I won;t be here forever Headspace or feet And right now This is okay This is more than okay Every time Just one more day

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Spoken work poetry 

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Do you know who I am?

Don't you know who I am?

I am the giant who steps in your castle.

I am the magician in the club.

I am the oxygen you breath.

I am the cut so deep that you will forever scar and fall.

I am the river so wide that the bank is ...---... break.

I am a princess the world is my pea.

I like to believe that everyone loves me.

And though I will grow withered and old.

Never to listen or do what I'm told.

I will hold my head high and pretend I am bold.

Do you know who I am?

Who I am, I do not know.

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Questions

Am I doing the right thing, I can't tell anymore.

Do I care, I can't tell anymore.

Mud is mud and dirty is dirty but can pure dirt be dirty?

Was I fucked up from the start or was I a masterpiece, splitting a canvas.

Am I self obsessed and in self denial?

Am I delusional or innovative?

Who is the real judge, me or you?

Trust your instincts, travel the globe until you find your truth.

Be pure dirt, assess yourself.

Roll in the mud.

And cleanse.

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Nothing

I wake up, sometimes, all the time.

Confused and sticky.

With  raspy broken tongue

My bones break and shift during my brief rest.

Never enough, but significant still

I think I lost the right to rejuvenation when I lost pattern.

There is not a promise made that I can keep.

No portrait could be true

As I am not true.

There is a dense gravity which binds my skin and everything in between, the cracks, they bleed.

I am a puddle contained in a fucking plastic bag.

Lifeless yet somehow still fluid.

I dream of anything else

I dream of nothing

Endless nothing

It's the only true peace

Anything else is an arbitrary statement

I want to float down the river and sink.

I want to be consumed by nothing

Give nothing

Take nothing

Be nothing

I think then I'll be free

Please let me be free.

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Blue Monday

Be proud of what you've accomplished.

The day has been so long

You're working you're working your way through your goals.

Your life has taken so long.

There is nothing left and everything left behind.

You begged for freedom

Now TAKE IT.

Run with it.

Find you.

Take no hostages.

Leave your world,

Step out.

Make yourself the woman you want to be.

Prove it to yourself

It's only you in the end.

Don't let you down.

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Play

Don't do this to yourself

We know the way this game gos

Into you he tells you

You think without works

Don't be so naive.

Your letting yourself fall first.

Just because he was a good fuck,

Doesn't have to be anything else.

Just because you think about him,

Doesn't your insane.

Just because you lie awake and daydream about maybes and save mes

but you don't want to be saved

Break it off or embrace it.

Let go of the meaning

Stop forcing your hand

And just play

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Kintsugi

Take it, day by day

Love yourself

Hate every part of your soul.

Disintegrate; dissolve, rise and condense.

Fall Apart, there is always something left.

Fall back.

Pick it up, let it drop, but pick it up.

Destroy yourself, for only you have that power.

Control the sting,

Allow it to envelope everything.

Never let go.

Fix the cracks with gold.

Create a masterpiece.

For it is the flaws that shape us.

The mosaic, unmethodic patchwork that makes us.

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It’s dark here...

It’s dark here...

I'm frightened.

The correct response, taken from a book, written from fact, stolen from fiction. 

A paradoxical suggestion. 

Start as we mean to end with complete, blissful, comfort. 

When it burns and scars it completes.

Proliferate fear.

Occupy your dark.

Habit the womb.

In the seven there is Heresy,

Indoctrination is key. 

Don’t you think so? Don’t you long for it?

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Music owned by What So Not - Adieu, Poetry. No copyright infringement intended. Poetry is my own. 

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Hungry bunny

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Nails on point! 💅🏻

[flandelle-deactivated20160807]

I’m tired

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I'm sleepy too