[boatfriend]

Visit Original Link

I am so desperately trying to figure out what this song is that I heard on the (static-y) radio. Very dissonant and melancholy sounding. Reminds me a bit of Arcade Fire’s Milk & Honey from the Her soundtrack. Soundhound can’t ID it :( Been scouring the playlists of radio stations I frequent and have had no luck  

[boatfriend]

~6.5 years later, I found this audio clip in my google drive and Shazam was able to ID it as Da pacem Domine by Arvo Pärt and the Callino Quartet. It is melancholy and lovely 😭❤

[boatfriend]

♫ it’s been awhilleeeeee ♫

Adulthood is exhausting. I’m so tired all the time, aish. How do people have time for life things? How do people not just sleep in bed all day? Been debating if I should dive into antidepressants 😪

/

Mom told me today that I’m smarter than her. I don’t necessarily think that’s true but it was kinda nice. I always tend to be hard on myself and reject the notion that I’m actually as smart as people say I am, but I let that one sink in a little which felt good. 

[boatfriend]

😅 life these days

[boatfriend]

Christmas 2020

Liz and Russ came to give mom presents in the late morning, we stood apart on the front porch with masks on while mom opened gifts.

Eddie, Liz, Caelyn (6), and Phoebe (5) came in the afternoon. We played and ate food. Caelyn took some photos with her new Instax camera. At the end of the night we watched Wonder Woman 1984 together in the family room, while Caelyn and Phoebe were huddled on the floor with big pillows and blankets. Caelyn drew outfits in her new fashion design book and Phoebe played with her Vampirina doll (with a backpack! her favorite part).

Caelyn and Phoebe took turns sitting and laying in my lap. They're too sweet.

At one point in the kitchen Phoebe asked, "Aunt Emily, what's your favorite thing in the world?" and as I picked her up to twirl her around I exclaimed, "Youuuuuu and Caelynnnnn!!!"

It was all very sweet.

[boatfriend]

"I dream about him, he talks to me. We talk about everything, nothing. He says he's doing well. When I wake up, that's the reason I'll fight to do it all over again. I know one day I'll see him." (Limetown, episode 1, 18:25)

[boatfriend]

Reminded of you as I blow the coffee to stir the milk in.

I had a strange dream last night. I guess not all that strange but it confuses me why I continue to dream about you.

We were together again. I think I had asked you to be more proactive in saying sweet things to me or us making plans together. You seemed upset to which I replied, I just need some positive reinforcement, which made you upset even more. I told you, we haven't worked in the past, I'm just troubleshooting.

[boatfriend]

Little Person | Jon Brion

😭❤️

[boatfriend]

Babbity Blue | Don’t Make Me (Fall in Love with You)

[boatfriend]

Just life things

Hating monogamy but I have the best partner so idk wahh

Remote work is driving me so nutso but I’m kinda sorta maybe almost on the brink of getting out of here?

I miss Andrew, blegh

Been having pretty regular very strange dreams about Zach. Get outta my brain! But also I miss you too and hope things are well but also mad you didn’t reach out when my dad passed away

Sigh.

[boatfriend]

swoony :) :) :) :)

[boatfriend]

It is weak and silly to say you cannot bear what it is your fate to be required to bear

Helen Burns in Jane Eyre, p.56

[just-shower-thoughts]

You can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

[boatfriend]

This is WILD

[boatfriend]

Emotion | Samantha Sang

[boatfriend]

Think I like 9

an androgynous number, both active and receptive

heralds a change that will lead to the end of a cycle

beginning of a new era

rising toward a newer, more universal love

open to larger emotional dimensions

[boatfriend]

My dad was always such an unpleasant pain in the ass on holidays, and I feel guilty saying it but Christmas without him is kinda nice. But I still miss him and hate that he's gone. It feels so unfair to still have so much of my life ahead of me knowing he won't be there. And I know it's all a part of growing up but I still hate it.

I kept thinking about how angry I was at Zach for ruining the last Christmas I had with my Dad but I came to realize that it was actually kind of a particularly good one for my me with my Dad. I think having Zach there took his focus off of me which made him be less of a jerk to me, and when I followed Zach out into the garage to yell at him in front of my dad, a part of me honestly felt touched by my dad's expression of surprise and concern in that moment of anger. "What's wrong?!" he asked. And then when Zach and I left early, he came out to say goodbye to Zach just to make sure everything was okay.

Mom told me today that dad had gotten drunk that night, which he didn't often do, and had even said "fuck you" to her. I'll never know why he was such an ass on holidays. Mom says even so, he was our pain in the ass.

[nevver]

Top Posters of 2018

[boatfriend]

cat lady cat

Everything’s been sad since my dad died I’d say I’ve been sad since but I’ve been sad for longer tbh

Leah’s been so sick and it’s the worst I keep thinking of my dad sending me pictures of her when she still lived at the house and hearing him imitate in a high pitched voice what she might say. “Nice and cozy in these blankets, mommy!”

After writing “she lived” just above, I thought about how now I have to say “he lived” about my dad. It’s been strange talking about my dad in the past tense. I like that we’re still in a sort of in between stage where his things are all around us and I can visibly see things that he’s touched or done. For example, I drove his car the other day and said “oh dad put towels in the trunk” and it was such a small dumb thing but it was comforting. On the other end of things, lately when I talk about places or use things, my brain goes to “the last time I was here, my dad was still alive” or “the last time I used this, my dad was still alive.” It’s very weird and sad 

I started seeing a lady named Cat towards the end of the summer. She was so sweet and comforting when my dad passed away. We didn’t spend too much time together but we talked almost every day and I felt really close to her. I was really looking forward to what we could become but she ended up dumping me

She dumped me the same day I saw a cat’s remains flattened on the road in front of my house. Coincidence? Ya absolutely but still made me feel weird and sad. Also one of my neighbor’s BLASTED this song late that night which was so bizarro / felt like salt in the wound & the world was @ing me but I also kinda enjoyed it because I love this song forever https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yf_Lwe6p-Cg 

Really just the “everything you want and everything you see is out of reach, not good enough” line. I just feel like I’m in such a low and dark place because of every awful thing that keeps happening that I couldn’t possibly provide for or give anyone what they want/need/deserve at this point in my life. So probably for the best but I’m still rly bummed about it

I keep talking about my CAT bc of everything she is going through and now can only think of the CAT that dumped me every time and life is cruel but maybe I’ll write a song about it or something idk