The Elevator Question
Ok, so evidently the time has come for me to graduate college. I'm not that enthused about the idea, there's no career that stands out to me as HOLY SHIT I WANT TO DO THAT FROM 9-5 EVERYDAY, in fact there's no career that makes me say HOLY SHIT I WANT TO DO THAT FROM 2-3 A COUPLE TIMES A WEEK… unless happy hour counts as a career, but I'm getting the impression that's not the case.
That being said, my classes (YES BOTH OF THEM) this semester are increasingly focused on making my skills marketable and how to get and ace the interview(s), which have yet to happen. But, I'm confident there's some schmuck out there I can con into hiring me to sit at a desk and act like I'm doing something productive, or at the very least appear to not be unproductive. Here's to hoping that schmuck isn't in Iowa.
This brings me to my point. THE ELEVATOR QUESTION. Now, I hadn't heard of this until a couple weeks ago, and I'm pretty much an expert about nothing so that's no surprise. Basically, it's the dreaded "tell me about yourself" question. Apparently, sometimes this occurs in an elevator on the way to an interview. Lucky for me the odds of ever interviewing at a business that has an elevator is pretty slim, based on my skills and brilliance I'm looking more at a place that's in the market for their first computer… EVER. (Crossing my fingers for a HP circa 1997, or if shit gets wild maybe a Dell)… so at least I'll have that extra 15 seconds not spent in an elevator to prepare for the question.
Now, you're supposed to answer this question at least moderately truthfully, but I realized in doing such a thing Wendy's may question whether I'm qualified to flip their burgers, and rightfully so. (Let's take a second to think about the people that actually are flipping those greasy patties and how bad their truthful answer to that question may be). This is supposed to be a quick and efficient answer, so if I were to embellish and answer in a manner that may get my hand out of my mom's checkbook I would say "I'm a senior majoring in Food and Resource Economics with a specialization in marketing and management and a minor in business administration who is a loyal, self-motivated leader and team player with a penchant for college sports." To answer this truthfully, I would say something along the lines of "I'm a 5th year senior because I didn't want to graduate before my friends could all go to Balls and Salty with me, who drinks too much, goes to class too little and is a moderately intelligent underachiever with the mouth of a sailor and a penchant for using sporting events as a pregame for a 12 hour drinking marathon." HOW IN THE HELL DO PEOPLE GET HIRED by "just being themselves"?!
That's right. I firmly believe that America would have a 100% unemployment rate if we really all just decided to be ourselves in an interview, board meeting, or hell, AT A BAR. (I may actually be way too close to "being myself" at bars, or at least I hope that helps to explain why I've coined the term "terminally single"). So really, I guess what I'm saying is that the idea of getting a job based off your merit or just being a naturally wonderful human being is no more likely than getting struck by lightning every day at 4:37pm for the rest of your life (assuming your life lasts at least another week). Am I totally off base here? Or… Am I just a pathetic loser with a horrific drinking problem inhibiting my ability to be a productive member of our wonderful society?
On that note, I'm going to go home, climb in bed, watch at least six TV shows on my laptop and skip the gym today because I'm now horribly depressed about who I am really am. And let's be real, I'll start binge drinking in a few hours because there's nothing worse than lying about who you really are… I hear acceptance is the first step.