losing order, seekig it

fragments held together | 27

[bonesandcontrol]

I am beginning again, in silence, in shadow.

The chaos whispers, but I trace my own lines,

slowly shaping the version of myself I want to inhabit.

Control is not perfection. It is noticing, adjusting, holding steady

when everything else wants to pull apart.

Each choice, each habit, each small movement

is a piece of the whole I am becoming.

I am learning to bend without breaking,

to move through change without fear,

to inhabit my body and my mind on my own terms.

This is my space, my ritual, my record.

stats: sw 56.5 (124.5) | cw 56 | gw 48 (105) | 165 cm (5’ 5”)

[bonesandcontrol]

I keep feeding the body I despise.

Like I enjoy sabotaging myself.

Every bite feels like proof that I’ll never be better.

Just fatter.

Just worse.

[bonesandcontrol]

I’m tired.

Tired of losing control, tired of feeling inadequate, heavy, uncomfortable in my own skin.

I’m tired of the version of myself I’ve become.

Where did the girl go who wouldn’t let anyone stand in her way, who followed her own rules and stayed focused on her goals?

I need to find my real self again — the one who felt lighter, stronger, and more aligned than the person I am now.