So much nostalgia it makes me sick. I miss G, I miss riding in the ‘grey cloud’ to south 21. I miss her taking us down ‘black snake road’—which was really just a long, curvy road she would drive a lil crazy on. Anything to make us laugh. I remember taking the grey cloud thru a car wash once and screaming in genuine fear but also in thrill and excitement as the water started pouring in on us. Only laughter. Never stress or anger at the situation. No harm done, we can laugh this off.
She shone so bright. Every day with her and any time spent with her seemed so light, like none of the worlds sorrows could touch us because at least we, the family, had each other. And now, with her, that’s gone. The family fractured and tore with finality once we didn’t have her to rally together around. Once we didn’t have her feelings to consider and protect, i (at least) gave myself the permission to let go of an extended family I never felt quite myself around. And I don’t regret the severing, it was greatly necessary for me. I also do not regret that she didn’t get to witness it.
I wish she could’ve met Michelle. She would’ve loved her. Would’ve been so in love with her long hair and sparkling brown eyes. She would’ve loved to hear about her familie’s culture, to make sure there was a side of easy mac at every meal when she learned Michelle is vegetarian. There would’ve been gifts wrapped for her under the Christmas tree and an extra goodie bag added for each holiday.
The loss of someone that comes years after they’ve lost most of their memory and much of their mind is so disorienting and confusing. One day she was there physically and knew me. Had known me since the day I was born. Had adored me, held me, tickled my back, written songs for and about me, taught me, endlessly entertaining us and making every sleepover/lunch/dinner fun.
And then out of the clear blue sky, her mind scrambled. We became strangers. I didn’t really even understand. I think part of me believed she would, in some way, come back to us. But that was pretty much it. She was never fully there again. Blessed glimpses of her incredible personality would shine through from time to time. Visits with her, and sweet efforts put in by my mother to carry on G’s legacy and tradition of celebrating everything as a family, gave us cherished memories with her even after the dementia had taken hold.
But my grandmother never got to see or know me as my real self. As krate. As a boy. As a boyfriend. As the person brave and self assured enough to stand in this world as I am. One day at her care facility, she did start hugging me and getting flirty, referring to me as a handsome young man or something. It was just once but it meant the world to me to feel that understanding from her even if it was through the foggy lense of flirting with her own grandchild.
The world feels cold and lifeless without her sometimes. I wonder what our relationship would be like today. I wonder what advice she could give me for the pain I feel, living in this world.
I miss her so much. A year hasn’t even passed and it’s felt like a lifetime without her. A huge hole exists in my heart that I scarcely have let myself acknowledge. Burying her doesn’t feel like it was real. Seeing her in a casket feels like a memory of a bad dream. In my mind she’s still out there. She’s still driving around huntersville in her red HHR, hardly tall enough to peer over the wheel. She’s still playing her baby grand, still telling us Cathy Lynn stories on the pullout bed. I can still see the smoke detector light flashing above. She’s sitting with mawmaw and T, playing cards and pretending not to notice mawmaw cheating. No need to, when Toni will for sure call her out on it. She’s everywhere and, hard as it is to admit, she feels so no where at the same time. A distant memory as well as something so deeply imprinted on my heart.
I would give anything to talk to her again.
I would give anything to go back and tell her that she wasn’t annoying to me. That I didn’t think she was embarrassing or silly. I was a deeply depressed teenager who lost so many years to a sorrow I couldn’t pinpoint or define. I want to tell her that I understand now. I know all she ever wanted was to love and unite all of us as a family.
I just miss her. I know she misses me too.
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