My husband planned on making a nice dinner and hemmed and hawed about going to the liquor store for some beer. I encouraged him to do as he wished and he went. I was having a nice time last night (things are hard, so I try to embrace a little levity when I can get it). I was playing the kid’s recorder, goofing off, solo-ing terribly to a David Byrne record that he put on. The kids were enjoying some screen time. My husband joked, “Would you like me to film this for you? It could be a vanity project.” He injected only a little bit of disdain and I disregarded it. He seemed like he was enjoying my making a fool of myself and I was too.
Later, we ate dinner, and after, our daughter asked for an orange. As I was at the counter peeling it for her, my husband said, “One of your legs is much larger than the other one.”
Aside from saying I looked like Ben Franklin or David Foster Wallace (lady’s dream comparisons), he’s never really commented on my physical appearance. On occasion, he has said I looked nice when I’ve spent unreasonable amounts on my hair and makeup before an event. It’s fine, I don’t need a lot of complements on my physical appearance (I generally believe if people are sort of fit, content, and move around a little then they probably look ok) and I can even handle jabs too -- but the proportion of my legs was something that I was pretty sure about and, considering the status of our relationship, it stung when he said that.
I looked down and laughed, “No, it’s not. Do you have Other Body Dysmorphia?” He then started digging in a serious way, and brought our 4-year-old into the debate asking her to -- get this -- pick which of my legs was different. I found a piece of string, measured the largest width circumference of my calves and proved to myself that my calves were not disproportionately muscular and let it go. It made him angry that I did that.
Later that night, I got my daughter ready for bed as my husband cleaned up dinner. My daughter always likes to spend some time with her father at bedtime but right as I put her down, he started playing electric guitar at a loud volume. I went down to ask why he was doing that at our daughter’s bedtime and he again became angry, explaining that he had wanted to play guitar all day but couldn’t because he had cooked dinner (as though it was my fault he decided to cook dinner and go to the liquor store.) He started cussing and yelling at me. (this is something that I have been guilty of too -- but I have begun to recognize my triggers) but eventually came around to saying goodnight to his daughter. When things escalate my lately my refrain is, “You have to talk to me if you want something. We can make a plan -- but I can’t read your mind. Things are tense right now. I feel like we really make an effort to be gentle to each other”.
At the end of the night, after he put the kids to bed I tried to talk to him as he was writing an email to his friend. The only thing he said was, “I never want to start a fight with you.” Which, judging from the past several months, I guess I should interpret as “I never want you to confront me.”
When he acts like this: when he lies to the therapist while he sits next to me in couples counseling, when he makes me question my sanity, when he denies that things he did happened, when he tells me that I’m expressing my concerns to manipulate him or start a fight, I feel like my world has turned into a hallway of funhouse mirrors. The funny thing is: I know that he is distorting reality. He’s treating me terribly, his relationship with his son is rocky, and so far, he’s treating our daughter fairly well – but I don’t know how long that will continue. If he wants an ally, it could be indefinite -- she does remind him of his mother’s family.
Here is why I stay when things are so bad:
· He wasn’t always like this so there is a part of me that knows this isn’t him. He used to follow social norms: if he accidentally hurt someone, he could apologize. If I hurt him, he could tell me and I could say “sorry”. If someone was happy, he would join in their happiness instead of trying to bring them down. He didn’t blame me for all of his feelings of disgust and irritability.
· By spending so much of last summer fighting, we’ve taken so much away from our children. I want us to try to do something right for them – and divorce is terrible for them. Because we have young kids, we will also still be in eachother’s lives if we get a divorce. we will still disagree about parenting, he and the boy will still resent each other, I just won’t be around as support for the boy when his father yells at him to "be a man" or kicks a soccer ball at him.
· Keep going to therapy, embrace that I am fine. I’m not perfect -- but I am definitely not the vain, manipulative, monster that someone is trying to convince me that I am.
· Be attentive and loving to my children and accept that I am the only one who is providing warmth and security to my son right now.
· Get the kids out into the world and let them dive into what they are great at. Help my son find positive male role models and reinforce that he can be like a good man that he admires if he wants to. Listen to him. Encourage him to defend himself. Let him know when he is right to be upset and when he needs to reframe his thinking (e.g. it’s ok for your dad to ask you to clean your room; it’s not ok to for him to hurt you or make you feel small or scared.)
· Give back to my support system, spend time with them, try to have fun, try to provide warmth
