[boooo0000000]

I feel deeply, and I am easily overwhelmed, so if anything, my social toolkit consists mainly of pure vibes, and that is sooo difficult to navigate while living in the moment.

I remember how, as a child, I would practise poems in my room, trying to remember my lines for plays back in kindergarten when I actually enjoyed being perceived, running after dinner to act out movies and musicals in my parents' room... I didn't know I'll have to get back to those habbits at 21.

It's very exciting to be in the middle of it all and fly around my friends, exes, and crushes like a true socialite, until the moment it actually gets to the question "What's up with you?", and then, by the tenth time someone asked me, I already felt sick of myself...........

/Buff, a lady just rang the doorbell and opened a little book, asking me if we can enjoy life forever. She started talking about how the people won't save the earth, but God will. As it is a political campaign, she pulled up a piece of paper with a bunch of QR codes and read that the Bible reveals that in the future: "Everyone will have perfect health," and "The earth's environment will be restored."/

Repeating the same key moments that were broad enough but still worth sharing to engage in small talk over and over again exhausted me quickly. Through simplifying my experiences, I kind of forgot there is more to the picture. The moment I got to be home, I couldn't point a finger at what was going through my nerves and I felt plastic.

[boooo0000000]

rsvp

After 2 really long days, 5 hours of sleep, and a lot of dancing and running around, I was thinking of how reservations, unless they're for places with really high demand, are working out as a concept only because of goodwill and trust.

The first party gives the expectation of presence, without actually having to show up, officially stating that there is space needed for them. The second party has to make sure the required space is available and trust the first party's intention based on nothing more than a gesture indicating a potential interest in showing up.

I believe it is a little bit unfair, maybe because, right now, I look at it through my completely subjective point of view over specific patterns in my personal behaviours.

After a conversation about love with a friend of mine, I came to the conclusion that I've been reserved for so much time in my life. Just leaving space for something that wasn't promised but I expected. Naturally, that limited my capacity for the curiosity of just being.

But holding grudges is a waste, no different than blind prediction, though. At the end of the day, waiting is romantic on its own;

Waiting for this perfect summer day of boredom, waiting for the perfect moment when nothing and no one will ever distract me from refinding the intimacy within my practise, waiting to think and talk, waiting for you; It brought me something.

And as we see, I am finally (kind of) learning to let go.

[boooo0000000]

good morning

It's 6:34, I am tired but somehow happy that I get to be awake in this hour. I slept for not more than 4 hours, but it's a physics rule that I have nothing resembling a proper sleeping schedule in summer. Actually, when writing gets boring, I'll just get back to bed.

I have this thing where I often wish that the evening were the morning. Dreaming of my morning beverages is something I experience throughout the whole day. Today they are water, tea made from ginger and fresh mint that have been sitting in my teapot since a time I don't remember, with the fresh addition of 1/3 of a lemon, and a cappuccino.

The idea of a new day seems very appealing. Wrapping it up by saying "tomorrow" brings me a certain satiety, and thinking about it now screams "human". It's funny how I perceive the time after just sleeping for couple of hours the root of potential, a completely new called "day". Last year I read that change is what drives the passage of time. Sometimes it seems like time is identifialble by nothing more than the changing of the numbers of the clock and calendar and that's completely fine.

Today I accept that.

[boooo0000000]

Eindhoven is annoying

Next time I get to name something with someone, the logic I'll go for would be starting with my first letter, finishing with the last letter of the other person.

Yesterday I went to Eindhoven for the first time for anything other than the airport. The heat was killing me, and I found myself in a neighborhood with houses as tall as the grass. I entered one of them, and the bright light and heavy summer air did not do it any favour. Everything gets 10 times more disgusting in these conditions, but the place was already depressing on its own. It really made me think of the conditions a person is willing to put up with for education. It was an apartment viewing, so it was difficult to not imagine living there... On my way out, the conversations of people sharing that this was the only viewing they managed to get for months were speeding up my pace.

Anywaaaay, I did end up outside eventually, but I forgot that what I was going to was a desert. A freddo espresso or any type of black cold coffee sounded amazing and became my goal before hopping on the 2-hour train back to Amsterdam. THERE WAS NOTHING, everything was closed, I really needed to pee and charge my phone on top of that. Can we talk about how my phone will literally explode whenever the temperature is above 20?! I ended up begging this lady to pee in this Japanese restaurant, and she was looking down on me like I was a freak for thinking that's normal.

I am in the middle of nowhere in Eindhoven. What am I supposed to do???, ok, let's smoke a joint. Great idea. After finding something that resembles a place that may serve coffee at 5pm, I found hope in life again. It wasn't long until I got proven wrong. People in this city are rude. The waiter there thought he would be so clever by giving me a look the moment I started speaking English. I asked for an iced black coffee, and mid-sentence, he interrupted me by saying LOUD AND CLEAR that this is not a hipster coffee place that serves these kinds of things. I regret not telling him that, initially, an iced coffee becomes an iced coffee when you put ice cubes in it. Instead, I accepted my fate as a loser in this irrelevant man's eyes and was sipping on a hot cup of coffee in the boiling weather outside, melting my brain even more by smoking whatever funny cigarette I've got.