Jules of Nature
ojovivo
JBB: An Artblog!
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
almost home
One Nice Bug Per Day
Cosmic Funnies
if i look back, i am lost
i don't do bad sauce passes
2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
Cosimo Galluzzi
JVL
Claire Keane
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TVSTRANGERTHINGS
Love Begins
Janaina Medeiros
tannertan36
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
Kaledo Art
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@borderlinedisaster
Partial Fucks
This....only giving a partial fuck about things is doing my head in. I want to care enough to actually do/enjoy things. I want to make this house nice for Christmas but I don’t seem to give a fuck enough to clean up and rearrange but I give a fuck enough to be pissed that I’m not doing it.
Me: *Has fight with husband*
Him: *Spends day being mega productive and having fun*
Me: *Spends day slumped on the couch desperate to escape the moment (which has lasted all day) thinking up destructive things to do to myself that would achieve that result and has done nothing that needed doing. All while binge eating and planning to never speak to him again because obviously we're so fucked that nothing can save us*
I am completely alone, always have been, always will be. Any temporary sense that I am not is just an illusion. Everyone will abandon me, turn on me, let me down, stab me in the back, won’t or can’t help me, or even try. The only person I have got is myself and I am sure as hell not going to care for myself. I seem to have been born without that ability. The best I can and ever will do is try to protect myself from emotional pain and that is only because it’s so extreme I just can’t tolerate it. I can’t even do that right because everyone else has all the control really, I just fool myself into thinking I have to keep trying and if I try hard enough, I can protect myself. Truth is, I can’t protect myself from anything. For some reason, all my nightmares come true and all the ones that haven’t yet WILL come true and right at the moment where life looks the tiniest bit less shit. I really don’t know how much more I can take of this or why I should take it.
Words aren’t doing this justice, I sound like a whiny brat and maybe I am, but this is my life and it is unimaginably, unbearably shit, and maybe some have it far shitter, but I bet they can cope with it far better. For some reason I can’t cope with anything at all. I was not meant to be alive. I’d do better as an inanimate object.
I NEED to get away from my brain as soon as possible. People, professionals, are getting too close, too involved, I’m afraid things will happen that won’t be in my control anymore. My control? What a joke. I can’t stay here and I can’t go anywhere else, my life is out of control and they want to take what I don’t have and that will only cause some kind of spontaneous combustion or something, or maybe I will disappear into a black hole or who knows because when someone makes you do something you CANNOT EVER DO so it CAN’T POSSIBLY HAPPEN, then what the fuck happens? Do I vanish? I hope so.
What is this?
Laughing or crying makes me retch, what the hell? It’s been going on for months. I’d frequently experience retching and actual vomiting from crying and emotional distress but it seems like it gets to that point quickly now, from less distress and now even laughter is having the same effect. There’s nothing like the sensation of being about to retch to put an end to my laughter. Damn body, can’t you even let me enjoy the good seconds? I don’t laugh that much and it’s not like I was even hysterical/crying with laughter, I laughed for maybe 10 seconds then...blurgh.
I feel like I need to get away from almost everything in my life. So much of the every day stuff has bad associations now which cause massive anxiety. I don’t know how much longer I can stand this.
Me: *Is desperately waiting to hear from FP*
FP: *Gone for hours* Me: *Is somehow remaining calm, at least externally* FP: Hey! Me: *Falls apart and starts crying like an idiot and hyperventilating* HiI'msosorry *gasp* justignoremegivemeaminuteI'mjust *gasp* itallkindofbuiltup *gasp*
FP:
I…..I love being a second choice for literally…..everyone ..:)
I…..I love being a second last choice for literally…..everyone ..:)
I…..I love b̶e̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶a̶ ̶s̶e̶c̶o̶n̶d̶ l̶a̶s̶t̶ not even being a choice for literally…..everyone ..:)
Oh oh oh, you said it better! I'm definitely not even on most people's radars.
I…..I love being a second choice for literally…..everyone ..:)
I…..I love being a second last choice for literally…..everyone ..:)
How do I stop other peoples shitty moods from violently slaughtering mine?
I was almost fucking productive, now I just feel completely destructive and want to smash the whole fucking place up and rip myself apart.
I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope I can’t cope!
I had a weird nightmare/dream in which my husband did something bad but an ex boyfriend did something good and now my feelings are all messed up. I had settled on hating my ex but the dream has made me remember some good things I felt so now I'm sad and I miss him even though it's not really him I miss because he's not that kind of person, and I feel guilty for feeling that way when my husband didn't literally do the thing in my nightmare but has done similar things in real life. I just want to be happy with my husband and I am for the most part. I just wish I had never even met my ex because he's still living in my head like a parasite. I hate how dreams can drag up buried feelings and people. I don't even interact with my ex anymore but dreaming that I have anyway just makes my efforts to avoid the real him pointless. I'd be better off interacting with the real him because at least I would see him for the asshole he really is.
I fucking swear people play dumb when it comes to my needs just so they can ignore them and ignore me.
Is there no end to my frustration?
I am so fucking SICK of everything, it’s just one negative feeling after another and I never get rid of any, it’s always a matter of which is dominant.
I just want to fucking die and be done with it all.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!
BPD Problems....
Frequent nightmares about being rejected and abandoned by your FP, frequently waking up hyperventilating, and then experiencing emotions as if it actually happened, feeling anxiety, splitting on your FP and having a feeling of dread that the nightmare was a sign of things to come and just generally being fucked up for most of the day because of it. Sometimes it even takes a while to be sure it didn't actually happen.
Perfectionists often decide in advance that the end product is never going to be satisfactory, so they don’t even bother to try to be creative in the first place… Perfectionism is just a high-end, haute couture version of fear. I think perfectionism is just fear in fancy shoes and a mink coat, pretending to be elegant when actually it’s just terrified. Because underneath the shiny veneer, perfectionism is nothing more than a deep existential angst that says, again and again, ‘I am not good enough and I will never be good enough.’
Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic (via astoundingovation)
Me & Him: *Watching a movie*
Me: This one always makes me cry.
Him: Is there anything that doesn't make you cry?
Me: Probably not.
Dissociation saves the day again. Please please please stay like this or there will be so much devastating chaos it’s unreal.
