Flo Finding Freedom

24 years old, in recovery from Anorexia Nervosa, learning to manage Borderline Personality Disorder. My whole blog has a trigger warning.

[flofindingfreedom]

Should I do an instagram?

I might be more likely to post 😂

[flofindingfreedom]

I’ve been so quiet, ok, silent! As of thanksgiving last year I’ve been out of treatment FOR A YEAR! Go me! Whoop whoop!

Unfortunately I’ve been driving the struggle bus lately. I’ve been out of my weight range since February last year. But I eventually got low enough that my team are being super strict. A few weeks ago my dietitian said that she couldn’t keep seeing me outpatient. I told her I’d gain weight that week and I begged her to reconsider. She talked to my therapist and they have reconsidered.

I’m going on a trip for ten days at the end of February/beginning of March. After that, if they still think it’s necessary, then I’d be more willing to consider going back to treatment. But not before then. The thing is, if I lose anything then I’ll be below this special number and they’ll tell me they won’t see me outpatient. So there’s a chance my weight could slip and I’d be left without a team for a few weeks before/during my trip. Ugh. Why is doing the right thing so hard?

I’ve also been more suicidal - which I know is cos of all of this - and my self image is totally up and down. Some parts of me I see and I think I look too thin and awful. Other parts are ALWAYS way too fat and I think I should lose weight so that I can be more in proportion. I’m pretty tired of fighting everything. I don’t really have any hope or any motivation lately.

I know it’s messed up but I don’t mind the eating disorder right now. I don’t know, it just doesn’t seem so bad lately. I feel like I can only see the good bits of it right now. But I’m eating and I’m surviving ok. I know I’m missing out on more and more things in my life and that majorly sucks. But at the same time gaining weight sounds terrifying and it’s safer to focus on maintaining or losing weight.

[flofindingfreedom]

Does your dietician help? Mine tells me to eat more carbs which doesn't help anything... it's a MENTAL illness?

Haha mine really helps actually. I prefer working with dietitians who also have a counseling/therapeutic background. So my dietitian also has a masters in counseling. I feel like that really helps me because they can validate my struggles around food so much better. Do you think that kind of thing would help you?

[flofindingfreedom]

They say if I lose 0.1 of a pound then I have to go to treatment.

I say I’m fat. It’s ok for me to lose weight. Why is it a problem?

My friend says I’m very thin and I look very sick.

I don’t see it. My weight could still be lower

I don’t want to go to treatment. I’m trying to eat everything on my small meal plan.

[flofindingfreedom]

Digestive issues

I can’t remember how much I’ve shared before but in the past 12 months or so, a lot of digestive issues have popped up. Cramps, severe constipation, diarrhea, pain, bleeding. It’s not fun. It’s not glamorous. It’s the reality of an eating disorder.

My body has been irrevocably damaged by anorexia.

So I saw my GI doctor again this morning. She said I looked thinner than last month. Which brings up complicated feelings. Frustration that she commented, sadness that I’m sick, pride that I’ve lost noticeable weight, anxiety that I can’t get myself back on track, fear that she’ll also notice and comment when I gain weight, etc.

Then she sent me to get x rays done so they can see what’s going on inside my bowel a little. Then we scheduled a colonoscopy.

Y’all want to know what you’re supposed to eat for the ENTIRE DAY before a colonoscopy?

NOTHING. Ok, you can have clear liquids including soda, apple juice, Gatorade, broth, etc, but nothing else.

When I told my therapist later this morning I couldn’t stop laughing. Not out of happiness, but out of irony. If we didn’t laugh we’d have cried 🤷🏼‍♀️.

The x rays triggered me a little which I wasn’t expecting. Seeing the shape of the bones and my flesh around them just activated something in me. It wasn’t necessarily good or bad, it was like I felt I had to analyze everything I was seeing. I took pictures of the x rays and I’ve since picked them apart visually, finding all the bones, examining every muscle and organ I can distinguish.

So it’s been a long day. I FaceTimed with my dad at one point and I honestly don’t like the way my face looks right now. I don’t want to say it’s ‘too thin’ because it feels like that’s not a thing. I FEEL like it’s just a bad shape, but I used to like it when I was 12/13. Honestly, if I could gain some weight in my face, that probably wouldn’t be a bad thing and it would make me less self conscious on FaceTime.

Good news: I ate 100% of my meal plan today and yesterday and I’ve kept it all down.

Overall I have my typical feelings of hopelessness, so I’m trying to stay in the moment and throw myself into everything I do.

[flofindingfreedom]

My dietitian is leaving

So my dietitian just told me that she’s leaving. She’s moving away to work in an inpatient setting with people with eating disorders.

My eyes got watery but before I could begin crying I shut down. I didn’t say anything, I stared at the ground and squeezed the thinking putty into my palm. I let the voice in my head take over.

“You could just quit it. No other dietitian would want to see you twice a week. If you tried to see K again she’d just get tired of you or send you to treatment. See this is why we don’t trust people, this is why we can’t let people in, because then we get hurt. You’ll feel better if we can just restrict a bit this week. This was all a bad idea. Trusting is a bad idea. We’ll shut ourselves up like a box. Maybe we could just do this with E (therapist). It doesn’t matter. It’s fine. You have me. Why does everyone leave us? You’re never going to get better, everyone just comes and gos.” Etc etc etc.

This continued for at least 5 or 10 minutes. L (dietitian) asked a few times if I had anything I wanted to say/ask/discuss about it but I I tried to do a half smile and shook my head. At the end I said bye and that I’d see her on Thursday.

I’ve never had a dietitian as therapeutic as her. I need a dietitian as therapeutic as her.

I’ve kind of shut off my emotions for now so I’m not feeling much of anything. It hurts too much to feel it so I’m avoiding that. I’ll see my therapist tomorrow morning. I don’t feel much of anything about it anymore really.

[flofindingfreedom]

Hey Flo, I’m a long time follower and I’m scrolling through some posts of you and some of myself and I don’t know how to feel. I’m mainly recovered and yet, part of me envies you for still “being in it”, because although part of me still struggles heavily the other part is “healthy” (at least acting wise) but it also means that I have to do stuff that scares me without being able to have my ed to fixate on/having something controllable and escaping the reality of the real world outside of it

Hey friend, you’re so sweet to send this message. I didn’t realize I had any long term followers! I’m sad my posts stir up envy - that’s such a difficult feeling. I feel the same way about some other people I watch. And, perhaps strangely, I can kind of relate to how you’re doing. I mean since February my weight has VERY SLOWLY been trending down. Which means, for the most part, most of the time, I’ve been doing the right thing, and hating it, and doing it.Today I had a scone at Starbucks. I was terrified I’d run into someone I know. I liked the taste and I hated how it made me feel physically and I ate it all. I’ll be honest, because this has always been my space of authenticity, sometimes I’m quite happy with how I’m doing. I often feel like I’ve found this perfect happy place where I’m living my life and doing what I want to do - but still keeping the eating disorder around. I have this push-pull of maintaining the perfect balance. I guess at some point it will catch up with me but of course, it doesn’t feel like it right now. I also have brief moments of surprising clarity, of “I’m going to recover, I can do this!” But those moments seem to fall through my fingers like sand.I told myself the other night, I have to recover for the kids, I started naming all the kids I babysit and nanny and love. All the families that bring me joy to be around. I’m tired of the eating disorder and I just want to do better for them. It’s been a rough week. I feel optimistic right now, hopefully that lasts.Thank you for your message and your willingness to be authentic ❤️😊 recovery is painful, and important, and scary, and exciting, and everything in between. I’m wishing you all the best.

[blackshuckofficial-deactivated2]

I may not have the best body but it sure does hold all my organs in place

[yoitsmvddi-deactivated20191112]

this is the type of positivity i need.

[itsvondell-deactivated20180104]

i want a shirt that says “eat or die” because at first it sounds rebellious but its just a reminder

[flofindingfreedom]

I had a mental collapse from exhaustion caused by lack of sleep last weekend. It was scary and overwhelming. I stopped eating and alternated between sleeping, briefly waking, and sleeping again. In my clothes. With all the lights on. All day and night. I began taking sleeping pills just so I could go on sleeping because I’d be so overwhelmed by emotions that I’d have a panic attack when I woke and began contemplating suicide.

I have my therapist’s number so eventually I texted her (I hate disturbing her when she’s not at work) and we had an emergency phone call which really helped me figure out how to get back on track.

I’m doing much better now. Although today I saw my dietitian and it wasn’t weigh day but she keeps talking about treatment and whether she wants me to go back to inpatient etc.

I reminded her today - I REALLY want to figure this out in outpatient, that is my goal and my challenge, I can’t just keep going back to treatment. I’m medically stable and over the past few days I’ve done well to turn things around from the weekend.

I just want some patience. And yet at the same time I want to be realistic about whether I can actually gain this weight by myself.

Has anyone else been able to convince their team to let them stay outpatient at a low weight as long as they’re medically stable?

I guess in some ways it could be enabling the ED but I really think it’s a good time for me to have some more flexibility in outpatient recovery.

[flofindingfreedom]

I don’t think I can gain all this weight on my own.

I don’t want to go inpatient, I don’t know what the solution is. I have so much weight to gain but absolutely every part of me screams it is wrong and bad and I just don’t think I can do it.

Any ideas?

[flofindingfreedom]

So I’ve been pretty quiet on here lately... silent actually!

Things are going... up and down?

Mentally I feel like I’m being tortured every night. Physically my weight continues to go down. My team are basically letting me get away with anything at the moment 🤷🏼‍♀️. I’m eating most of my meal plan but I’ve basically found out how to eat just enough that I don’t have to go to treatment but not so much that I gain - or even maintain - my weight.

I’m really enjoying working with my new therapist, I think she’s great and she actually gave me her personal phone number and told me to contact her whenever which is just a huge blessing.

I have had a bunch of GI issues lately. At the moment my GI doctor and I are still trying to nail down exactly what’s wrong. I’ve been given a diagnosis of IBS and we’re working through a couple of different supplements/medications to see which ones help the most. I can’t eat dairy right now (not even lactose free) and I’m staying away from meat. I’m also hyper controlling about my food anyway.

I think I’m trying to live the best of both worlds - keep my eating disorder and lose weight/be underweight, whilst still living my life and doing what I want to do. And to be honest, it feels like I’m succeeding and I’ve been succeeding since February. I think I can keep going like this. I’m not at my lowest weight yet so I don’t see what’s stopping me.

I’m still not well enough to work (obviously) and I’m on disability. I see my dietitian and my therapist twice a week each. I feel pretty comfortable with where I’m at although I don’t feel much hope because I can’t imagine things changing. I’m unwilling to gain weight, I just want to lose it. I try to eat my meal plan on auto pilot although it doesn’t always work out. I’m existing in this gray space and as monotonously boring as it is, it feels safe.

[flofindingfreedom]

My therapist and dietitian are both failing at talking to each other! So for the past two weeks they’ve been trying to talk on the phone they’re always like “well I’m going to speak to them tomorrow” etc. but it hasn’t happened which I honestly find kinda funny at this point.

It’s like I’m fucking untouchable. I have some freaky kind of immunity where for once no matter what I do no one seems to react. Feels kinda good right now tbh. Makes me feel like I’m in control.

In less exciting news I had to go to my doctor this morning and she’s referring me on to GI specialists. I’ve had GI issues my entire life and have been misdiagnosed and had ideas thrown around me for ten years. Gluten sensitivity, IBS, gastroparesis, lactose intolerance, etc. I guess I kind of reached the final straw when I eventually confirmed that I’m not lactose intolerant. For a start, I usually get symptoms 10-12 hours after eating dairy, not immediately. I ate some cheese on Friday that was dairy cheese but lactose free (I normally just go vegan on things). I had pretty bad symptoms the next day. And some the day after too. It’s like it completely messes up my whole system. Anyway, a few ideas got tossed around including Crohn’s and my doctor still things there might be gastroparesis issues going on. She wants to order a colonoscopy but she said she’d let the specialists do that. I’m not worried or concerned but I am curious and optimistic that maybe I might have some answers and possible solutions for 10 years of issues.

[flofindingfreedom]

Saw my dietitian and I didn’t lose as much weight as I’d hoped to or even expected so that was really hard.

[flofindingfreedom]

Seeing my dietitian tomorrow. It’s been two weeks. I wonder how much weight I’ve dropped. I’ve been really constipated but finally pooped a LOT today. I feel better but this may not bode well for my appointment tomorrow.

[flofindingfreedom]

I feel so alone

My dietitian can next see me on Thursday so I’ve basically missed a week with her. Whilst I’m not doing so good. Like not good at all.

Kinda low key hoping to die before then anyway

[flofindingfreedom]

So I started drinking alcohol for the first time in almost 3 years and I’m so damn proud of myself.

This was a huge challenge for me from an ED perspective.

My whole team (including my psychiatrist) knew about it and encouraged me and it really felt like a good achievement and I don’t feel like I have enough of those recently.

On the other hand my dietitian cancelled our appointment today because she had a family emergency so that’s been giving me horrendous anxiety but I know there’s nothing I can do 🤷🏼‍♀️