Bored On Bart

I ride the train in SF. A lot. Everyday. Some people send drunk texts. I send "boring commute" texts. This blog dedicated to friends tired of my shit. All posts written via phone whilst on the train.

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Stolen from a friend's FB page. #amen

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Cringebeg

Omg. The bart beggar I wrote about a few weeks ago (the one whose child was stuck at the airport) just tried to run the same scam again this morning. As soon as he started in, about 10 people yelled, “we heard this one last week man! Get a new story!” He was like, “well I still have a son that needs help.” But everyone was like “gtfo man” and sent him on to the next train.

He seems to have gotten cocky and bored with his own story. He just jumped on the train and started yelling about his “emergency.” There was no frantic phone call, no looking embarrassed, no looking shy. I’m not even sure it was the same dude. And if it wasn’t, is there some kind of beggar meetup or subreddit where they get together and craft stories? Like a writer’s workshop of sorts? Do they a/b test their story details to see which ones are most profitable? I’m sure they do (although they probably aren’t calling it that). New startup idea: Bumetrics - no, it’s not tracking how many people googled Kim Kardashian’s oily ass this week. “Bumetrics - finally, qualitative data for bums to maximize revenue.”

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I owe you an apology, Bart

I complain about smells, inconsiderate passengers, delays, and those greasy, bacteria sponge-farms that were once known as "seats" frequently here. This blog is pretty much a nonstop rant. Yesterday, I wanted to take it all back. I drove my car to SF yesterday. My morning commute was great, a little slow of course, but I sang along to the radio and genuinely enjoyed my time. Then, I decided to leave the office a little before 4pm to make sure I could get my son to guitar lessons at 5:30. Anyone who has any experience commuting to the east bay at that time is probably laughing at my stupidity. I didn't get home until after 6:30. 2.5 hours. I was beyond flabbergasted. I was, and am still, disgusted. Why? Why are there so many people driving? Why do they subject themselves to the hell that is stop and go traffic for 2+ hours a day?! As I sat, parked on the freeway, I watched those bart trains whiz by, mocking my stupidity. It's like I could hear them whisper "who's bored now, bitch?" All I could shout back in return was "well, I already took off my heels, tights, and bra! So there! I can't do that on bart now can I?" This is when I realized that I am having an imaginary argument in my head with a train. I never truly understood the "road rage" thing until yesterday. Traffic will make you lose your goddamned mind. On BART now (on one of the new vinyl seats I should add), as crowded, hot, expensive, and smelly as it is, it beats the stress, rage, and utter despair I faced for over 2 hours last night. So there. I'm sorry BART gods. Thanks for the perspective.

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Today's train smells like a moderately sweaty skunk, who may or may not have smoked a joint prior to boarding, holding a deflated rubber balloon. I couldn't find that on google images (yes, I tried) so you get this skunk with its head stuck in yogurt. Who says there's no quality content online anymore?!

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Why you'll love your Thursday commute

Yes. I know it's only Tuesday, that's how excited I am about my latest podcast addiction. It's called Serial and it's from the makers of This American Life. It's like a TV show unfolding on the radio, but this story is actually true. I can't wait for Thursday mornings so I can listen on my way to work. I'm not going to tell you any more but this is a "whodunit" of epic proportions. Every episode leaves you in awe, hanging on the sticky edge of your bart seat. The good news for you? You have 8 episodes just waiting for your ears. Start here: http://serialpodcast.org/season-one/1/the-alibi

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Look, I appreciate "real niggas" as much as anyone, but playing music off your iPhone is annoying. At least head down to the goodwill and pick up a proper ghetto blaster if you're gonna be blastin yo jamz on bart. Seriously. Y'all know dis. #fuckallyallniggasceptmyniggas

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I hope it's worth it, bro

I forgot my fucking headphones today (noob mistake, I know) so, dude in the seat diagonal from me, I am hearing your godawful attempt at conversation with the 6 (6.5 tops) you're courting. Her voice is like the sound of George Costanza's mother screaming while accidentally stepping on a cat's tail. I'm not sure I can effectively describe its awfulness. Anyway, I know you trying to hit that, and that's fine, good for you, man, but she's still gonna have that voice while you're sticking it to her, you know that right? I'm not even gonna comment on the fact that you are proposing very decent talking points and she's just not smart enough to follow along, even with those softballs you're lobbing at her. I guess that was a comment. My phone's dying so I'll leave you with this: good luck keeping that boner when she's saying "oh yeah, fuck me baby" in the voice of Gilbert gottfried and Fran drescher's secret love child.

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Bart beggars are amazing

I never have cash, so I hardly ever give to bums, but today I had $2 and I gave it to a guy begging on bart. Bart beggars are incredible performers. I know their stories aren’t true, it’s too rehearsed, there are too many details, but I think for most people, it’s those details that make it so believable. Plus, it takes some balls to beg on bart, especially at 8am when we’re all pissed and tired.

Here’s the story that won my $2 today: (enjoy whatever it is you’re really buying with it, dude. Your story was good.)

Man is dressed like he’s going to work, nice clothes and shoes. He says, semi-under his breath, but loud enough for everyone, “oh my god. This is so embarrassing.” …and then the curtain goes up.

"Hey everyone, I’m sorry to bother you, but I have an emergency with my 14 year old son." The audience is gripped, sitting upright, edge of their seats.

"He’s stuck at the oakland airport right now. Delta is trying to charge him $147.56 because his bag is over 50 pounds." Yes, the man had the exact $ amount, down to the penny.

"I don’t get paid until Wednesday and I don’t have the money to help him. If he doesn’t get on his plane to Chicago, back to his mother’s, I could lose custody." Here he throws in another "I can’t believe this, I’m so embarrassed."

People are kinda skeptical, but the guy seems nice enough. Here’s the beauty, one guy hand him a $5 and the man says “thank you so much sir, my name is John whatever (I don’t remember the last name), give me your business card and I’ll pay you back. I promise. I work at kaiser permanente as a blood tech and when I get paid, this money is coming back to you, man.” I think there may have even been tears. Amazing performance. At this point, people all over are handing him money. Give this man an Oscar. And he goes to the next car to start all over again.

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There's got to be a better way

Really? One dumbass tries to jump on the train at the last second and now the whole train is broken? Apparently, if you physically try to open the doors, everyone flips their shit, the train goes out of service, every has to get off, and for the next 15 minutes, all you hear is the operator telling you what a fucking idiot you are. "Please do not try to open the doors if they are closing. It will cause everyone to hate you. Seriously. These people want to find out where you live and kill your whole family or at least break your front door and make everyone go stand in the street. Thank you." Yay Monday.

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I try, really

Some of my posts have been very critical of my other passengers and who am I to judge, really? But, this chubby woman next to me smells so bad. Hey, trust me, there are many days when I don't smell very good by the end of it, but come on girl, it's 8am! How you so stinky already? I feel like I'm in that episode of Seinfeld where the valet's BO was stuck in Jerry's car and latched on to everyone that rode in it. And! How do I always get in the same car with the cantankerous old Chinese man inconveniencing everyone with his bike and not giving a fuck?! I pick a new car almost every morning (well, whichever has the new seats because I'm pretty sure the old ones are soaked in hepatitis). Seriously though, he's so cranky! I imagine before he leaves his house, he yells at his 24 year old son that still lives at home to mow the yard today or else he can just get out, his wife is holding a big wooden spoon in the kitchen, yelling at him to quit yelling, the cat is meowing incessantly for breakfast, and he drops his suitcase at least 3 times getting his bike off the porch. Hey, old Chinese guy, I feel your pain.

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BART gets real

Most of the time, I'm listening to music and don't hear much that's going on around me. Apparently, tmobile doesn't provide service in Oakland (hey, I don't wanna go there either) so I couldn't listen to Spotify. Anywhoot, this allowed me to hear what I initially thought was two 12 year olds talking about a videogame. Upon further eavesdropping, I realize that one of them actually witnessed a shooting on his street. He described the scene in graphic detail: the sound of the gun, the violent jerk of the "dude" as he fell, the blood, all of it. What really caught my attention was the tone of the entire conversation. There was no emotion in this child's voice at all. Like I said, he was describing it like a videogame or movie. The other child wasn't even impressed by the story. Just responded, "yeah, I'm sure that's the way it went down with my uncle too."

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How I've missed thee

Live from the Powell station today. Employee over intercom: "Get out of that elevator, Sir. No, you can't go without a REAL ticket. No Sir, an actual ticket, not that one you just made up yourself just now. Yeah."

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For fuck's sake

After 15 announcements telling that little shit not to ride his skateboard on the platform, he drops it on the godamned track. Of course. I decided to skip getting a burrito, even though I'm in the Mission, because I figure, "hey, I'll be home soon enough." But now, thanks to your douchefuckery, stupid skateboard clown, it's an extra 30 minutes, on top of the 40 it takes to get home, till I'm laying in bed enjoying my double decker Doritos locos tacos and watching Orange is the New Black. Did you even bother to think about that, you dirt-faced smugnut? Nah. I didn't think so. Now, pull up your fucking pants and get off my lawn.

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Dropping Knowledge

Having free time on BART (in between checking emails and attempting to learn Spanish), has allowed me to feed one of my favorite addictions, useless trivia. Here's just some of the things you learn when bored out of your skull for 2 hours a day. Did you know a group of butterflies can be called a "kaleidoscope?" A "flutter" is also acceptable. http://imgur.com/72Cipks.jpg There is a guy who makes tiny drum kits inside soda cans: http://imgur.com/4uEUrlc.jpg Grammar protip: It's not "I could care less." That actually means that you DO care. The correct phrase is "I couldn't care less." If you lose cell signal or have a slow connection, switch your phone to airplane mode for a few seconds and back again. It will force it to search for another signal. Not sure if that's actually true, but it seems to work for me as I travel through the Bay Area in this tin tube. Hairless guinea pigs look like tiny, baby hippos: http://i.imgur.com/MEFvzHk. San Francisco has public, but hidden, rooftop gardens. http://www.thrillist.com/entertainment/san-francisco/financial-district/secret-sf-rooftop-parks-fidi-soma-popos-thrillist-san-francisco There's a bird called a Hoopoe that will squirt poop at you if it feels threatened.

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Drunk on BART

Yes, you managed to catch the last train so you’re not stranded in the city for the night. Now, you get to travel with all the other people who ride bart at 11:30 on a fucking Monday night.

Tip 1: For the love of god, take a piss before you leave the bar. Sure, you don’t have to go, but trust me, by west Oakland, you’re going to be dying. Only the above ground stations have bathrooms btw. For example, since the tracks are underground at Lake Merrit, no bathroom! Tracks are above the ground at San Leandro, yes bathroom! If you can hold it that long, San Leandro has been my savior a few times. Make sure you’ve got another train to catch before you get off though!!

Tip 2: You’re going to have “that guy” who wants to know “how you doin’” and if “you goin home alone tonight.” Answers: “fine” and “no.” Headphones in your ears should take care of the rest, but if he’s persistent, take out your brochure on “coping with HIV” that you found on the ground in the tenderloin to use for just such an occasion.

Tip 3: sleeper guy. Dude keeps falling asleep on your shoulder. Is he just your average drunk guy? Not smelly, seems like he’s got a home to go to? Let him snooze, I say. Find out what stop he needs and wake him when you get there. Who says chicks can’t be bro sometimes? Got a homeless, stinky, toothless sleeper? Dude. Seriously? Why did you sit next to that? Move to another car.

Tip 4: put your phone away. Drunk on bart is prime time to send some texts you’re going to regret. Start a blog or something instead. :)

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Choosing the perfect BART playlist

Music is a crucial part of any BART trip, no matter how short. Otherwise, you’ll end up listening to a Chinese woman screaming into a cell phone while simultaneously swatting her child in the back of the head for taking a step away from her or you may get the pleasure of overhearing two wantraprenuers divulging how their new social marketing video sharing communications analytics company is sooooo disruptive. I’ve taken the work out of it for you, here’s what to listen to based on the time of day and mood.

Morning commute:

Mood: “I’m feeling great and ready to take on the day!” - Yeah, I know, doesn’t happen a lot, but if it does, take advantage of it and listen to “This American Life.” Let Ira Glass be your companion for an hour. You will feel accomplished before you even get to work. Listen for free online or I highly recommend downloading the app for your phone.

Mood: “I’m fine, but I need coffee.” - Mondo by Electric Guest has become my go-to, “pep me up” album. It’s what Fitz & the Tantrums wishes they could be.

Mood: “I wish everyone would just fuck off and die.” Listen to “The Satanist” by Behemoth. It’s their newest album and it’s so fucking good; it will simultaneously feed your hate and calm it. I don’t know how that works, but just go with it.

Evening commute:

Mood: “I need to wash down a Valium with a vodka tonic.” - “Exodus” by Bob Marley and the Wailers. Yes, it’s a bit cliche, but no one can convince you that “this too shall pass” like Bob.

Mood: “I just need to pass the time til I can take my pants off” - “Animal Shapes” by Geographer. It’s perfect for that “meh” mood. You don’t want anything loud or profound, but something that will entertain.

Mood: “I’m gonna get so drunk when I get off this train.” Go “red dirt” country with “Chief” by Eric Church. Lyrics good enough to actually pay attention to with an nice honky tonk sound.

Bonus track: and something to remember while shoved into a tin can traveling under the bay, “We’re All in This Together” by Old Crow Medicine Show.