“I’m the best but so are you.”
”A man just gave me fruit. In a flirty way. I don’t know what to do.”
“Tell him that you are taken and have someone who can also provide fruit.”
“You girlfriended me for a reason & that is my knowledge of noodles.”
“I’m only in it for your stove skills.”
“Or you just didn’t think that the embodiment of evil wore dresses.”
“I have a problem and it’s called retail therapy.”
“Oh my god, your dad is attractive.”
“Aren’t I amazing?”
“You better not be floorgying.”
“‘Fine’ equals fightin’ words.”
“Don’t mutiny, friend.”
“If you’re an asshole and you know it clap your hands.”
“I’m apparently dating them both even though they’re not dating.”
“I thought you were dating me.”
“[Name] and I are measuring all of our body parts for some reason.”
“My big toe is apparently three inches around.”
“Is it bad that I’ve been wearing the same shirt for three days?”
“So I went into her room and started screaming.”
“Do you have a chainsaw I can borrow?”
“Oh my god, you’re such a cat lady.”
“I need a How to Stop Worrying 101.”
“I’m terrible at being an adult.”
“I decided not to have feelings when I was 11.”
“I mean, technically it’s illegal to send humans in the mail but we can work around that.”
“I’m about to commit murder.”
“You’re pretty awesome, too, I guess.”
“There are no handcuff emojis. This is upsetting.”
“Please stop me from strangling somebody.”
“I bet saving the vacuum was fun for her.”
“Anyone who visits the school & sees you will be so enchanted.”
“Okay, I did the adult thing and showered.”
“I should probably shave my legs soon.”
“So, my dad is in jail.”
“But how can I be alive if I’m not experiencing negative emotions?”
“I’m basically a cat.”
“The coffee has its grubby little hands in your life now.”
“It’s unsolicited dick pics but from a cat.”
“I had a dream that your shirtless dad tried to kill me.”
“Come on, kitty, show me your goddamn penis.”
“I stabbed someone in the eye thirty minutes ago.”
“Of course it was your ability to use a range that led me to discover my true feelings for you.”
“You deserve the book of shame right now.”
“I like being paid attention to.”
“I think we’re at the point in our relationship where I can take you to the bathroom with me when I have to pee.”
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