I began hearing sounds around me. I was confused. I tried to open my eyes but couldn’t. What is going on? Where am I? I listen intently…. “OK, one, two, three, let’s go!” I feel myself being moved from one surface to another. I try to move but can’t. “Unresponsive middle aged female passed out at a store, someone called an ambulance, we found her unconscious, pupils sluggish, clammy skin with an irregular heartbeat. CGS of 5. On full face mask for transport, 5 lts. Oxygen, BP 80/50” I hear someone say, and someone else answer “Thank you we’ll take it from here”.
“Let’s get her hooked up to the monitors, get me blood gases, and….” I don’t understand the rest of it. I am getting poked with a needle in my wrist. It hurts. I guess I’m in some kind of ER, something happened, but I don’t know what. Someone is placing a stethoscope on my chest, they ask for silence. People go quiet. They move the stethoscope from one side to the other, up and down my chest, and finally place it in the lower part of my left breast. At the same time someone is pinching me in my upper left arm. They talk over me, not at me. Do they know I am feeling this? I feel them sticking things all over my chest and then hear the sound of a heart monitor. Someone opens my eyelid and shines a bright light into it, then moves on to the other eye. I would have jumped if I could, but I’m totally paralyzed. I feel people around me, moving, they are asking for tests, they seem rushed but organized. Someone is taking my blood pressure. In the meantime, I am listening to all of this, curious, sort of detached. I try to remember how I got here. They say I was at a store. I remember I was someplace, and feeling my body fall, then nothing. While trying to remember I suddenly feel something heavy inside my chest. Like someone pressing it from the inside, something painful. I feel dizzy. An alarm goes off. I hear people coming quickly into the place I’m at. Several fingers press my neck, wrists, ankles. I want to open my eyes, but I can’t. I hear this: “She’s in V-fib, start compressions, call a code blue, get the crash cart”. Someone places their hands over my chest and pushes firmly downward. They start counting quickly: one, two, three, four, five, six…. Every time they push I feel my chest cave in with immense pressure and a gush of air coming out of my mouth, making a faint sound. I don’t feel breathless though. “Paddles ready at two hundred” I feel something heavy and cold resting on my chest. One paddle is placed in the middle of my sternum while the other is placed under my left breast, a bit sideways. “Stand clear” someone says, I hear a beeping sound, a lot of pressure on my chest, and then a shock goes through my body, as if I had been kicked by a horse. I listen to myself make a groaning sound, almost like a growl. I had never seen something like that on TV. Just a couple of seconds after that, they say again “second shock, clear” and once again I feel the electricity run through my body and my lungs contracting in protest, letting this unnatural growling sound come out of my mouth. I feel my whole body contract, my fingers curl and my hands turn inwards, my toes move involuntarily, my neck tenses up and my head is pulled forcefully a little bit backward from the shock. It only lasts a second, but it’s tough. Then my body relaxes again.
Someone places a plastic mask over my mouth and nose and begins pumping air into my lungs. I can smell the brand new plastic clearly. They push air into me a couple of times. Once more, someone places their hands on my chest and begins compressing it. I am still dazed by the shocks and I just feel the pressure. At the same time, someone tilts my head back and I feel a small tube going into my throat and hear the sound of suction, I would gag if I could, but nothing moves. “Beginning rapid sequence intubation”, I feel a cold metal blade go down my throat and then another tube going in, stopping at some undetermined spot. “Tube is in, keep bagging her”. All this time, someone kept compressing my chest in a rhythmical manner. I feel invaded, like a ragdoll. They move me, push me, touch me, not in a sexy, subtle manner, but in a professional, even violent way. All this time I still hear counting, twenty, twentyone, twetytwo…while my chest is being compressed more than I ever thought possible. They are pushing some drug into my arm through the IV line, I can feel it, burning, going up from where the needle was placed all the way to my shoulder. I can also feel them placing something big in the spot where the paddles had been before. Everything at the same time. This is overwhelming. I wait anxiously for what will come next: “OK, pause, pads ready, feel for a pulse” The pounding stops and I hear silence, I feel the stethoscope on my chest, two fingers on my neck, two fingers on my wrist and another two in my groin. “Still in V-fib, shock her again”. This time I don’t feel paddles placed on my chest, the pads are there instead. I hear the beeping of the defibrillator getting ready to shock. Someone calmly says: “All clear, shocking at two hundred”. I feel the jolt of electricity go into my chest and my whole body jerks in a spasm. Once more, my hands and feet curl, my body arches a bit, my head moves back and a second later it relaxes. This time I make no sound because of the tube down my throat. Everyone is silent for a moment. They check for my pulse again. “We’ve got sinus people, thank you, keep monitoring”. Someone turns my head to the side, throws some cold liquid on my neck and begins rubbing it. Then I feel a pinch and someone touching my neck and upper chest. It’s not painful, just weird, then they place something sticky on my neck and I hear: “Central line is in”. I feel my mangled body ache all over. Someone tilts my head back and my chin up, I then feel a thin tube is being slid down my throat for a long time. it doesn’t go into my lungs, so maybe it will go into my stomach. I would throw up if I could. They stick that tube to the tip of my nose. Someone is cleaning my chest with a wet towel. I can feel it in the upper part of my ribcage, then under my breasts. Now they swithch, a dry towel in being used, it’s soft touch makes my nipples hard . At last they leave my naked body alone. I feel there are less people left in my room now. After all that activity, there is some calmness to the sound of my heart beeping on the monitor. I am aware of breathing at the rhythm set by the ventilator, my chest rising and falling in a perfect pattern. After so much commotion, I am thankful for the silence. I think about any way to make a sound, show them I am aware, move, but I can’t. Someone flashes a light into my eyes again and I feel very tired. I listen: “Still unresponsive doctor, we have no information on her, no next of kin, list her as Jane Doe please, we are ready for transport to the ICU.”
I hear some movement around me, the ventilator is unhooked and an ambu bag is connected to the endotracheal tube to breathe for me, I am lying flat on my back and my eyes open up a bit with the movement of the gurney. I am being rolled down a hallway and see the bright lights on the ceiling as we pass under them. We get into an elevator, another hallway and I hear doors being opened and closed. “One, two, three, careful please”. More movement, I am now on a bed. Metal clinks, a monitor is being turned on, I am placed on a mechanical ventilator once more, there is a blood pressure cuff placed around my arm, it begins humming, automatically inflating. the tube in my nose is moved to hook it someplace. I wish I could open my eyes to see what they are doing. I feel someone insert a catheter up my bladder. I am then covered up to my waist with a sheet, but my chest is left uncovered, I feel exposed, but there is nothing I can do about it. “Ok doctor we are all set, she will be registered as Jane Doe until further notice.” and they answer “OK, let´s get an echocardiogram and figure out what is going on.” I feel drowsy. Jane? But my name is Anne! I am trapped in here and no one knows! I need to tell them! Those are my last thoughts before I fall asleep. To be continued…
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