borninaustin @borninaustin-blog - Tumblr Blog

I don't even know what that means, but I know it's an affront to my dignity.

Jake Kemp

#arpeggiatedchords theedge

I don't like showing up on time to volunteer at the nursery. There aren't any children there yet.

Wife

FedLoan Servicing

Student loans are a drag:

Best make bank or they'll leave you in rags.

Unless your degree's cool,

Or you attended a fine school,

They leave you nothing about which to brag.

"I’m worried about ‘Penile West Nile’: there I was, standing at the gulley, enjoying an outdoor pee."

Brother in law

"I want to be in a Jay-Z song. If it was my fart, I would want it to be in a Jay-Z song."

Cousin-in-law (talking about Will Ferrell being sampled in a Jay-Z song)

"Words With Feiends is my WWF."

Colleague

#redefiningcontest

I'm not criticizing you, I'm just pointing out things I'm not crazy about.

Wife

A lot of times I don't actually hear things, or I make them up.

Wife

Swimming Sucks

Hockey Player

It is raining, that's stupid.

Wife

I don't drink gin: I drink fucking vodka!

Wife (to videographer at birthday party)

#giftexplainbeatsgiftexchange

Sorry: in my heart of hearts I meant to get you Hendricks, but I was drunk when I went to the liquor store last night and got you Bombay Saphire instead. That is gin, right?

Wife (talking to the birthday girl)

#giftexplain

I hurt myself the last time I was at Red Lobster: they had all-you-can-eat shrimp.

Brother-in-law's friend

I love you: this is totally my kind of flea market. Now let's get a drink!

Wife

I guess it is true that I'd always rather be drinking than not drinking.

Wife

I feel like an impaired person.

Wife (stumbling out of Mexican restaurant at 3pm on a Saturday)

At a festival

Me: Its time for strawberry daquiries?

Wife: I didn't know what else to do.

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