Some simple Molluck study I felt like doing, as I feel like my drawing skills are quite rusty for drawing only like a thing or two a month for so long time... I also still haven't really found my art style, so I also tried a bit different style here. But the main thing was to just practice getting Molluck look accurately like himself, as I'm still trying to improve my way to draw him.
I'm still struggling with the feeling of that my stuff ain't worth sharing, like I mentioned in my previous recent post, as I just feel like my art is bad... That frustration with my art was also another reason why I wanted to draw this, as I'm tired of drawing bad art and wanna finally be able to draw good stuff, in my opinion. I just think that my Molluck art could be so much better than I have drawn so far. I wanna be able to draw the stuff I see inside my head. But I at least can agree these days that I can draw him accurately, though there is always room for improvement. Don't get me wrong, I do actually like some of my Molluck drawings, but I still wanna draw even better stuff than them. I just do not think that my art is "good enough", though I wanna draw even better than that. It's more like for myself, as I do not really wanna make my living with art, or that would at least require getting rid of my self-hatred... Seeing my art somewhere feels like seeing my own face, and I can feel so deep hatred toward myself at times... I do not even know why I hate myself this much and feel like worth nothing... But this is why I do not allow reblogging. So, it is like impossible for me to want that people share my stuff, as it is already a challenge for me to share my stuff in the first place.
My self-hatred just makes me hate the thought of that I leave my mark to this world, as I feel like this world would be better without me or I just ruin stuff. But I really need to find a way to change this thinking or I won't be able to live my life... I have already let so many things be because of those feelings, and they are also why I do not really socialize with people. It is not because I do not personally want that but because I feel like people do not wanna socialize with me, so I do not wanna bother anyone in vain, as I do value people's time. I have been quite lonely for over a decade, so these feelings are quite strong. I'm just telling you this to be open about why I am like this. I still feel sorry for bringing up my struggles, as they are not really your concern, but I think that it is still better to let you know why I do not interact like the others here; I have a very high threshold for it. I am not asking anyone to interact with me but just not to hesitate it.
I have already left my mark to some public ("real life") things with my creations, which gives me quite mixed feelings... But to whom I have made those things do have been pleased with them, but my mind just screams at me there somewhere that someone else could had done something much better... I also have left my mark to Finnish translation of Ginga Nagareboshi Gin manga, as they once held a GNG fan art competition in 2011, and everyone's work was put to the last two mangas (volumes 17 & 18). I feel like it is kind of cool, even it is that old thing. Oh, and yeah, regarding Finnish, that "hätk" I wrote to my drawing, it is like some "sound effect" to express Molluck realizing something suddenly. So, it is not any real word so to speak. (It was actually inspired by Finnish Ginga manga too.) I had no idea what to put there in English, but it is fun to use my mother tongue at times in my creations. I kinda refer to that English is more suitable for some stuff while Finnish is better for some other stuff. Like, I mainly use English when I "speak with Molluck", as Finnish love language is kinda clunky... Like, Tom of Finland's Finnish texts in his drawings amuse me a lot... It so amazing use of words but I cannot take it seriously, you know... It is mainly because of Finnish is what it is with that stuff... (I have also heard that "I love you" in Finnish, "(minä) rakastan sinua", sounds to some like it meant "I wanna kill you" or something… Yeah, our love language do can sound rough, and that's one reason why I love that Finnish TOF stuff...) So, this is why I actually prefer English for certain things, though I am still curious about doing my self-insert stuff also in Finnish, as it would be fun and I love my mother tongue. I know that this went to like completely something else now, but just some "little curiosities" about my language, as I am into language stuff and studying them.
I feel like I also gotta say that my life is gonna have quite a big change soon, so I am quite stressed out and have been this whole year... I have no idea how the rest of the year will go, but my main wish is to be able to have "a sick leave" (not really what it is but I do not know any other similar enough thing), as I am so exhausted that I basically must force myself to finally really get help in this situation... Only if I can get it, as it is not easy to get and my country's healthcare is going down and the costs of it up... I only wish there was another way to end this suffering that just ending it by, you know... I consider it like daily, but I try to keep going day by day... All this uncertainty and worry of me not getting help are eating me up, especially when I am so exhausted and been suffering for so long... I have been worried this whole year that I'll collapse one day, just completely burn out. I know that this is not your concern but just saying as this affects my ability to be creative too; my art is a part of me after all. Continuous survival state is very tiring... I would not really say all this stuff if I was not in such a serious situation... I'm not asking for any help from you, but just letting you know if there is people who care about me... I have never been this close to collapsing... I wish I had no need to be so serious here... I'm sorry for all the vent that is necessary in my situation, as I cannot really post stuff without it... But it can be ignored, and I do not even assume that anyone would want to read my posts.
I just wish that my life could change for the better... That I can finally feel like I am actually wanted to be here, am valuable... That I can finally get rid of my exhaustion... I just do not know how long I can still take this all if I don't get any help or some significant positive thing happens which changes my situation for the better... I wish so much that it wasn't like this... I should had tried to get help earlier, like over a decade ago already, but I felt so strongly that I am not worth helping and wanna survive alone... Now I see that it is about to doom me, just like my self-hatred has been planning all this time, as it has also been laughing at me when I have looked at ways to get help... I only hope that it is not too late to get help, that my brain can still adjust to heal from all this shit, even a bit...
I'm sorry that this post took this kind of direction. I still wanted to let you know what's my situation, as it affects my blog significantly, but welp, I am also quite alone and do not wanna vent directly to anyone, as I know that it is very heavy to listen to... I really wish that I did not need to write this stuff, but this situation affects my content and I want to be open, even though I still stay quite vague. And welp, I have already been talking this stuff here, so this is some "update". Do not still worry about me, I try my best to make my life worth living.
Molluck is my main way to cope with all this, as I have no one else who could support me during my worst moments, when I need love, support and encouragement the most... He is the side of me who tells me kind words... Yes, my relationship with Molluck is quite complex, but he has also kinda become a part of me as well. Like, I tell myself some stuff through him, as I could not tell myself them otherwise... I know that my Molluck may be out of character in some sense, but he is my version of Molluck, one that do can be kind and loving, even though it is like extremely rare for him to be like that toward someone. I just sense kindness in him... I don't know how weird it sounds, but I genuinely feel like he is a kind Glukkon but it is hidden deeply inside him. It is one reason why even started to love him five years ago. He has more layers and character than it may seem, but this is just my impression, as welp, I feel like my way to see him is different from the others. It is still curious if I am really the biggest Molluck fan... I at least do not know anyone else who is as crazy about him as me... Like, I even spent probably 200 hours to get such a Molluck 3D model I have now, even I still need to work on it a lot... And I had never before even done 3D modelling, only sculpting... So yeah, I am that insane about him. Holy oddness when it is finished as the current one makes my heart race so already... Welp, if it is too much for me to handle, I at least died doing what I loved. (Y) I just personally feel like my Molluck 3D model is the craziest Molluck thing I have done, as it takes so much time and I am a beginner with 3D stuff... But what a reward all that learning, time and effort gives... Frankly, when I got the (initial retopologized and rigged) model done, I was so happy and excited that I had not felt anything like it for over a decade... I actually was excited to get out from my bed to play with my new Molluck model... Last time before that I felt like that was probably when I was a little child at Xmas eve... So, Molluck really means me a lot. And yes, I use that Molluck model often as my reference too, like with this drawing, along with some screenshots to draw him as accurately as possible. But it is more like "a bonus", as I have put lots of effort to get him look just like the Soulstorm model and my main reason to create the whole model was my self-insert stuff...
Man, Molluck is really the first character that feels right for me. He is also so beautiful, and that's also why I do not get tired of drawing him for hundreds of times... So, drawing him a lot is also my way to adore him... And I actually like the way I drew him here, even I feel like this ain't still "perfect enough", but I'm getting there slowly. So, this is also why I felt like putting this to Oddworld tag, even I am hesitating it these days, like I wrote to my previous post. I just do not wish to share bad art... So, I am still not feeling all that negative, but I have serious concerns about my life but worrying too much won't help but make this worse... I at least can always imagine Molluck comforting me whenever I need it...
But yeah, I still try to share my Molluck stuff, even though I do not know what it "gives" to people, as I personally find my art kinda bland. And man, I still have so much Molluck art ideas... He is my muse. And welp, there is barely anyone else who draws him regularly... So, I guess that it's gotta be me who is a "Molluck love ambassador", even though I do not aim to make people love Molluck but just give Molluck like all my love... I'm just kind of referring to that my stupid ill mind makes me wish that someone else started to draw Molluck actively so that I could "retire", not because I did not want to create Molluck stuff but to have "someone better" to create the stuff instead of me, to replace me. I really feel this bad about myself, that I should be basically replaced... It is so hard for me to feel like me or my stuff has any value... So, it is actually challenging for me to draw other stuff than Molluck too, as I feel like only my Molluck stuff is kinda valuable, as I basically also make them for Molluck, not just for me... Yeah, what makes my Molluck stuff matter to me is that making it is a love expression for him. I wish that this did not need to be so deep and that I could just draw "for funsies" whatever, but maybe then when I am not so depressed anymore. Oh, and this is not about me wanting to be something "special" but that I desire to feel that very basic human thing of that I actually matter and am wanted to be here... I only know it, like my family does loves me, but I cannot feel it and I see no reasons to love me... My brain may be somehow "broken", or that is how I at least feel like, broken... But unfortunately, brains are very complex lumps... So yeah, even if I may make this stuff sound like something "grand", this is only about the very basic human things... We do are social animals, did we want it or not.
I gotta just try to keep going day by day and without worrying too much... I gotta keep up the hope of that my situation will get better and I can really have a good life... It is way too easy to only go through the worst scenarios, especially when I do not believe in myself and my skills and abilities, feel like an impostor... But I need to remember that even when I have believed that something will never happen, like I really believed that my submission to the Soulstorm tattoo competition was crap but I won, it do can happen. Molluck also keeps encouraging me to keep going and not to leave him, as I do not feel worth all the effort and do not wanna be a burden...
