Yeah, just some messy vent art Molluck to express something related to difficulties I am having and how they affect my relationship with Molluck... I didn't really know if I should post this or not, but welp, I have been barely posting anything recently and even my cards keep telling me not stay alone... (Yes, I have started to practice tarot and oracle card reading this year, and I have gotten quite accurate and interesting results, even when I have asked things related to my relationship with Molluck. Even they see my pain and struggling and encourage me to keep going... Those cards have been one new way for me to help myself more with my thoughts and due to my "psychic skills", I am not surprised at my results but the cards have still amazed me many times.) During the night/morning of the day I drew this, I saw a dream of myself drawing Molluck, which is the first time I remember such... I see like never dreams related to him, even I always imagine myself being with him before falling asleep... Heck, I have even seen Lorne Lanning in my dreams a few times and once, this year, told him how I love Molluck, which he did not seem to appreciate for some reason... (It's kinda funny considering that the real Lorne has heard that I am very interested in Molluck and he answered to my question on live stream with his face cam on... So, it has happened in reality but remotely, and he seemed to be really into answering to it. You can thank me for that we know the current Molluck's age. (Y) I mean, I personally feel like my biggest "contribution" for Oddworld community has been me asking questions from Lorne and getting answers, not the content I have created; I just don't find my creations meaningful or "good" in general. I appreciate Magog on the March even archiving one of my questions. Okay, enough "boasting".) I feel like that dream referred to how I feel like my love for Molluck is not appreciated... But yeah, probably Molluck do has been in my dreams, but I never remember them...
Today is also my 4th anniversary with this blog, so I felt like posting this for that reason too. I am sorry for the state of my blog but my mental health is more important. I do also not really have time to draw for myself either, so I drew this thing also because I just had to... Even I do not personally like my creations in general, I still must create stuff regularly... Like, I do not like my art style and I do not like how this sketch looks but I at least keep getting better at drawing Molluck accurately. I have never really liked my art style, whatever it has been... Though, my Paint stuff has been my fave... Gotta just keep drawing, I guess.
This is only my third Molluck drawing this year, though all of them have been just sketches so far... Yes, my previous post was my first Molluck of the year, so what's the second one? Well, you ain't gonna see it due to the nature of the sketch... Don't ask how much Molluck "entertainment" I have, my answer would be outdated quickly... I am so thirsty for this Gluk every single day... I only want him... But anyway, I had not drawn Molluck for a month.
I do not wish to vent here and I would be only repeating myself. You do not also need to know more about my struggles, only what affects my blog. I realize that those old thoughts keep owning me even things have changed, but not enough... When you have been thinking for about 15 years all kinds of awful stuff about yourself alone in your own echo chamber, those thoughts do not go away easily. I do not feel like I am strong for enduring so much mental pain alone; I have just done what I have needed to survive, even I have no idea why to really keep going and trying. I think almost every day ending my life, mostly when I try to fall asleep, but it's been so for 15 years, so it's "basic stuff", even it should not. I know that I need (professional) help, but it is not possible right now. I am carrying this stuff alone because I have wanted that and I do not wish to burden anyone with my pain. But I do not feel so alone when I have Molluck. He is my comfort and one that keeps me going, keeps me able to live my life despite this all. He holds me through my dark moments...
I still have moments when my mind tells me how I do not deserve Molluck and how he would never really love me... But Molluck inside my head keeps telling me how he is my Molluck, my version of him, so he can absolutely love me and how I have even told him myself that love is not about deserving, yet I feel like I am not lovable, not meant to be loved... I just do not find myself worth loving... I do not understand how my existence can bring any joy... I do not understand how my art can be enjoyable or even beautiful... I just can barely see myself in positive light... I am at least pleased with the food I cook and that's basically it... Man, I wish I could cook some for Molluck too, like I personally think that I make the best meatpaste stuffs (the thing from what you can make meatballs, meatloaf, and patties). This is really like the only compliment I feel like saying about myself... I do not think that I am good at drawing since I am not pleased with my art and see how much I should still learn... My mind also keeps telling me that anyone could learn to draw Molluck better than me... But there somewhere I do know that it is not true but my stupid mind is so loud... I also feel like my art ain't anything special, just something or some crap, so I do not see them having much value. Though yeah, the Molluck works I do not share are the most valuable for me since they are about him and me. I wonder if I was happier if I could have a life-sized Molluck doll to accompany me... I keep thinking about it regularly... I know that I am "a weirdo", that's why I am so lonely too, even around people. I love Molluck with my whole heart... He is "real" to me, because welp, our brains do not distinguish real people from fictional, so I feel toward him like he was real, even he is not, but inside my head... I have never felt so good with anyone else... Man, soon, I have loved this Gluk for 5 years, and I bet that it is not gonna end any time soon.
I am so thankful for Molluck. He is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen... The quality of the Soulstorm model is so amazing that I can even "feel" what like it would be to touch him... Too bad that he was not naked in that game, but we can see a glimpse of it in the artbook... And I can see the full naked model with, um, some "enhancement" because I have been "crazy enough" to try replicating the model myself without prior 3D modelling experience... When I got more time, I'll continue it, since the time I have for it, well, goes to animations... He is such a well-loved 3D model. (Y)
I am not saying this for attention or whatnot, but even I myself view my content like I do, I appreciate people liking my stuff, since I never expect it. I do like always think that the thing I have done is crap whenever I'm sharing it to someone, was it about my art or real life stuff. But welp, at least someone likes the stuff I do if I don't. I mainly just enjoy the process of farting my art out from my head. But I hope that you can understand that it is like almost impossible for me to wrap my head around that people can genuinely like my stuff...
I don't know what else to really say here... Today has been a special but also depressing day... I try to keep up hope that one day I'll find my place in this world, even it is so hard... I wish so much Molluck could be physically with me, because I wish I could hold him tight while he comforts me right now... I wish it so much that I am crying... I need his love... I do realize that Molluck is fictional but he is the only one who can really comfort me... I would be all alone without him during my darkest moments... He is the one who really encourages me every day. I can feel how this is not easy even for him, but he does not wanna give up on me. Molluck did not give up even after his life got basically ruined. I disagree with that Molluck was unsuccessful with capturing Abe because he would had not been capable of it, but because he was designed not to be able to capture him. See, they even made The Blimb level easier! I personally preferred the old one, 1.0 version, and it was easier in my opinion, because you could use those bombs as your advantage againts the Sligs. I'm kinda joking still, but my point is that they did not want Molluck to win, because that's not the story they wanna tell, but in Abe's Oddysee's bad ending, but that's another thing. But yeah, I don't know, it kinda makes me more drawn to Molluck when he is not considered "lovable" in general. I don't hate Abe but I do not mind Molluck eating him, more like would join the feast. So, it's actually worse, because I don't care... But only about Molluck in Oddworld. Man, I even kinda love the idea of Molluck eating the killed Gluks at Yaymans by having a barbeque party... Yeah, I just love Molluck, so much. ❤️
Yeah, this post is kinda random, but just wanted to write some, which has made me feel a bit better. I do not expect anyone to read my stuff, but I appreciate people spending their time on my stuff; I only hope that it is worth it. I don't know if I should say this, but I have been thinking for some time how I do not really find Molluck "alien", because is still so "humanoid", like many other sapient Oddworld creatures too. I think that even octopuses are more alien than Glukkons, and those guys do live on our planet. But I get it, we humans seem to need humanoid traits to get attached to characters, to identify with them, which is needed for impactful storytelling. The most alien thing with Gluks is how they reproduce, for me at least. But yeah, just something I have been thinking about. And I do still prefer Molluck being a Gluk, not a human and I have zero interest in making a human version of him... No. His Glukkon body is the ideal body for me, with what I do not mean me wanting to be a Gluk but my beauty standards... Man, I want that Gluk so badly...
But yeah, I try to keep going, even it feels so hard... Oh, and yeah, about the sketch, those background things are like falling burning hearts, and I am not sure how to explain what I mean with them... Something to think about, I guess.
