Me @bottleofsad - Tumblr Blog

2023 is finally here after years of planning my suicide… so now I just pinpoint the time and how I do it.

2023 is rearing it’s ugly head. Almost time

I heard you're doing okay

But I want you to know

I'm a dick, I'm addicted to you

I can't pretend I don't care

When you don't think about me

Do you think I deserve this?

I tried to make you happy

But you left anyway

I'm trying to forget that

I'm addicted to you

But I want it and I need it

I'm addicted to you

Now it's over, can't forget what you said

And I never, want to do this again

Heartbreaker!

Since the day I met you

And after all we've been through…

Still a dick, I'm addicted to you

I think you know that it's true

I'd run a thousand miles to get you

Do you think I deserve this?

I tried to make you happy

I did all that I could

Just to keep you

But you left anyway…

I'm trying to forget that

I'm addicted to you

But I want it and I need it

I'm addicted to you

Now it's over, can't forget what you said

And I never, want to do this again

Heartbreaker!

How long will I be waiting?

Until the end of time

I don't know why I'm still waiting

I can't make you mine

I'm trying to forget that

I'm addicted to you

But I want it and I need it

I'm addicted to you

Heartbreaker…

I hope that every time you sleep with someone it breaks your heart a little more every time because you know you are throwing away something special that we had.

My toxic trait is, loving someone more than they love me.

Cut again.

All I wanted was for you to acknowledge my feelings.

It’s sad that I was all about you… yet I had to prove myself all the time. It’s sad that I listened to your feelings and tried my best change. It’s sad that I am literally the farm boy in princess bride, that says “as you wish” and yet you don’t appreciate me, some how you think you do more for me, and you don’t have time to listen to my feelings or even consider them. I’m constantly trying to better my self for you. Yet you don’t think I’m worth trying for me. I could do 100 things great but I say a joke at the one time and your about to leave me. Literally you keep bringing up the Same thing you helped me with, and you act like I wasn’t there next too you for the majority of the time doing it with you, do you know how many times you ask me for a favor in one week… shoot 1 day? And I’m always “of course” yet, nothing. The amount of times I ask, what do you need? Or what do you need me to do, or how can I help, or let’s get this done… is ridiculous. Plus I validate your feelings and apologize and actually try to do better.

You get mad at me for the smallest things, you get mad at me for something going wrong in your day, you get mad at me for something someone else did.

But when I try to express my feelings, they always get ignored. It always turns into your feelings. You didn’t like how I said something , do didn’t like the words I used to express my self. But what does that do? It deters from having to communicate about my feelings. Then you toss me to the curb. Stone wall me, so that I can never get answers when it comes to my emotions. Then I spiral, and you say “see you have a problem” that’s messed up. I treat you damn good!!! But you say that I don’t because I have episodes because you literally ignore belittle and completed neglect discussing how I feel and how “we can work together” to fix it.

Of course I spiral. I treat you like my princess and you treat me like a common stable boy.

You really make me feel, like I’m worth shit too you. All I wanted to do was invite you to watch me stream.

I can’t believe that i was fooled into thinking that I was the abusive one.

You call me a narcissist, but I own up to my wrong doings and apologize and try to rectify. (No matter if you try to say I don’t)

I showed you proof of exactly what I’ve been complaining about and yet you still can’t admit to any wrong doing. You always have an excuse, you always have a way to weasel your way out of feeling guilty of anything you do. I’m always the one apologizing, even when I’m the one that brings up something that hurts me. I’m always the one having to prove myself to you. Yet I’m the narcissist. I’m the one that thinks so highly of myself.

All you had to do was recognize my feelings, apologize and try.

Yet that’s too much for you.

Yet I’m the narcissist.

Funny how you block me after I confront you about stonewalling me.

Your abusive nature is smack dab in your face and yet you still can’t own up to it and try to remedy it.

Im there helping you in every way possible yet you keep bringing up the same thing you helped me with, and act like I wasn’t there finding each message and emailing it. The amount of times you ask me for a favor in a week, yet you don’t recognize it. You don’t appreciate it.

Yet you hold the the one thing you keep bringing up as helping me, hostage. so did you really help me? The one thing you keep saying you helped me with, but I can’t even have access to it. Is that help?

I’m just not allowed to take anything that is suppose to help my anxiety.

Taken against will ✅

Restrained✅

Snowed by hospital ✅

Stripped naked ✅

Stomach pumped ✅

Feelings recognized ❌

Feeling heard❌

Feeling important ❌

Feeling like silenced ✅

Bad person for spiraling ✅

No matter what just know, this

Was your fault and my ex wife’s… you both are to blame. I’m trash and unwanted. I gave you plenty of opportunity to prove otherwise and yet the truth stands strong. Yet I’m still the abuser and the one that didn’t do enough to save us. You had sex more before our relationship and you have had sex more within our relationship yet you are supposed to be the one that doesn’t like sex as much… I feel lied too I feel unwanted… I feel suicidal. I hope this is easy. Just waiting for my heart attack.

I think this is it… I took enough, now it’s just the waiting game.

Good bye.

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