I'm sorry
So I knew I'd said goodbye and everything and I meant it and I was moving on but fuck it's been a bad day, week, however long and god I'm missing you so much and I'm sorry I know I don't want to be another poison in your life and I don't want to ruin anything but I just miss you so so much and I don't know how to deal with this and I hardly have anyone anymore they're all gone and no one understands me, but you always did... You just got me like no one ever had, and I don't think I can ever find that again and I'm trying to move on because I promised both of us, and I'm mainly keeping that promise for your sake because if it was just for myself then I wouldn't care but like I said I was just another poison in your life and I couldn't keep doing that, can't keep doing that, but I just need something right now and even though I don't have anything to do with you anymore I still feel like your all I've got... God I'm so sorry for everything including this and it's so hard and I don't know what to do... I tried, I'm trying, I really am, I'm teaching myself guitar and I'm trying to write (not very good) songs but they mostly just end up being about you and I do all my school work and more to keep distracted and I cook and clean as much as I can and I'm trying (unsuccessfully) to get a job so I can have more distractions but there's still times when I can't focus on anything and no distractions work and I still find my mind wondering to thoughts of you and how good and pure you were and how you helped me and understood me and how amazing you were and how I fucked everything up just like I always do and I'm sorry I'm sorry, If I asked you to run away with me now would you still do it? I wish we could... So I'm sorry for breaking my promise to you and I'm sorry for being another poison and I'm sorry for not having better control and for not staying away and for not loving you how I should've but know that i did with all my heart and even now when I thought I was finally accepting it life has flipped me back into this and I can't do it, But I just want you to know that I loved you, so much, and I still do, and you really and truly were one of the best things that had ever happened to me and I'm sorry I couldn't be a constant good thing in your life like I wanted to be and should've been and you deserved me to be...
