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if i look back, i am lost
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@boyeverdeen-blog-blog
╳ ofaxes:
“—wow everdeen, you’re warming up my heart” she commented with sarcasm. “i wonder what you would be able to do with more effort.”
“PROBABLY TAKE OVER the world, but don’t let Snow hear that. Although, I don’t think he can try and kill me any harder.”
╳ isknotted:
❛ hope never did a goddamn thing. hope isn’t going to save her. them. ❜
“THEN YOU’RE A lost cause because not hoping isn’t going to save them either. Giving up on them will make sure they’re dead.”
work song | hozier
╳ burntbreadpeeta:
”Oh you don’t owe me anything. I’m just happy to help.” Peeta assured him with a shake of his head. “Just pretend you do, smile and nod along with most things that she says. “The only thing I know about shirts is… fabric that makes me itchy and neck lines to wear if I want to show off my chest.”
“THAT’S NOT TRUE, I owe you a lot.” He admitted, feeling sheepish. Peeta had done a lot for him and Katniss was never good at returning the favour. “I think she’s caught on to that, I have a distant look in my eyes when she says the word ‘ruffles’. All of them would show off your chest. I just like t-shirts.”
╳ valuablesecrets:
Sea green hues looked up at their company again, her forehead frowned slightly. She had been asked the question, how are you doing, several times now. Her answer was fine, but it was never true. And truthfully? She didn’t want to think about the real answer to the question. She couldn’t. Not without having another nervous breakdown, probably. So fine was a lie, but it was also easy and a lot less complicated. The only complicated she could handle in her life right now were the knots she made in her rope. “I don’t,” she answered truthfully. “I’m glad, though, that you seem to be alright.” She smiled at the victor in front of her, or she tried to produce a smile at least. She couldn’t help but feel guilty.
Guilty, because as much as this was his rebellion, he had never actually intended to rebel against the Capitol, whereas Johanna and her, and Haymitch and Beetee, and most of the others, did. And now he lost Peeta the same way she lost Annie. The loss killed her from inside, ate her alive; she was guilty of this loss, her own loss, too. “Yea,” she nodded, glad to have a subject to talk about and to hold onto for a bit. “I’m used to Four’s climate - well, you’ve been there last year, you know what it’s like. I guess everything is cold compared to Four,” she shrugged her shoulders. “I really miss being outdoors. Have you been out at all since we got here?”
The reluctance in her eyes was understandable. He hadn’t given her a truthful answer either so why would he deserve one in return? It was a question that needed to be asked because, even if she didn’t want to talk about it, he knew she wasn’t okay. Nobody here cared about that. They just wanted them to be okay enough to use for their rebellion. Anger flared deep within him, heating him from the inside out but as his eyes met her raw fingers that tangled with the rope, it faded, dissipating as quickly as it came.
“I don’t either,” he replied, a small smile pulling at his lips. “I’m lucky and that’s what helps.” He knew having Prim and his mother made him lucky.
Still, he didn’t have Peeta and Francis didn’t have Annie. They were both missing the person that seemed to know them and understand them. Instead, they were stuck in a District hellbent on rebellion, something he had caused and it cost him Peeta. As soon as he thought of Peeta, stuck in the Capitol, he had to stop. There was no saying what they were doing to him. Or Annie. Another thought he had to keep to himself.
He smiled, almost able to remember the warmth of the seaside District. “It was nice there. Did it even snow there in the Winter?” District Twelve may have had warm summers but the freezing winters were the worry. “No, not yet. I’ve only just been cleared to leave the infirmary. Do you think they’ll let us out at all?”
╳ ofaxes ;;
“—is that so? isn’t that suppose to involve some kind of smiling to me or something?”
“I am SMILING. I’m also grimacing in pain at the effort it takes to smile.”
╳ burntbreadpeeta ;;
”Nice save.” The baker chuckled lightly. “I’ll keep her away, just trust me, I’ll ask her to pick me out a suit or something and we’ll have her talking for hours so you could slip away.”
“THANKS,” he smiled sheepishly, looking down at his feet. “I’ll owe you something, something big. Fashion is the best distraction that we have. I’m meant to be the ‘fashion designer’ and I still don’t know the difference between the different shirt types.”
╳ tentoriumxlignum ;;
Hazy footsteps that he just could not retrace, the rustling of leaves crinkling beneath worn out boots previously owned by his very own old man– simple possessions that were a treasure in his own right. He wasn’t inclined to meet him this very afternoon; the victory tour that HAD left a stench of deception in his w a k e those very EMOTIONS that seemed almost fatal to most but gave Gale the urge to be in presence of this sudden get together, similar priorities that made him question his very own motives altogether but no less this was his the only company as of now that truly mattered.
❛ I wasn’t going to but as it turns out my schedule seemed almost vacant this morning so it gave me no OTHER option. ❜
“I’M GLAD YOUR SCHEDULE cleared up, I know you must be busy.”
These were the conversations Katniss couldn’t have. The coldness between them was expected. It was the stilted sentences and stretching silence that seemed would never end he couldn’t bear. He could hear Peeta’s words in his mind, he to didn’t want to become something that he wasn’t but it was too late. The games hadn’t ended, they had only just begun. Opening up and talking to Gale should have been easy. They were so similar but after he had come home, Katniss had NEVER felt so different. The hand that held the bread hovered, awkward and unsure before he placed it down in front of Gale. The peace offering was easy to give but it had to be accepted.
“I saw some some bush turkey’s. They just walked right by me without a care in the world.”
╳ burntbreadpeeta ;;
”Are you saying I’m not masculine because I’m smooth? I’m sure she will, I promise. I won’t let them go anywhere near you with any razor or anything of the sort. Nothing special, we’ll survive with what we have.”
“UH... NOT AT ALL. You can wrestle and lift things three times my weight, you’re definitely manly. Thank you! I will forever be in your debt if you can keep her away. Good plan, a quick and easy get away will be easiest.”
╳ polyphobiia ;;
“As easy as arguing with a starving grizzly. What’s that supposed to mean? That’s all the trust you need, I guess.”
“THAT’S WHAT MAKES HER easy to argue with. Nothing, it just sounds like you two are close. I only trust my sister, it’s nothing against Effie really.”
╳ valuablesecrets ;;
Knotting.Re-knotting. The district Thirteen nurses complained because her hands were always open, bleeding, never given a chance to heal. She said that she was used to it. For a while now, she had wondered what that meant. Used to what? To the misery? The idea of losing everyone around her? Better not think about it, no, better not give into it. Even though she was already halfway losing herself, anyway. Green hues gazed up when she heard a familiar voice. Her fingers didn’t stop the constant knotting, the only distraction she had, but the rope now formed a less complicated knot since she wasn’t watching her hands any longer. She studied the brown eyed victor in front of her for a few seconds, smiling lightly at him. ❝I am.. fine.❞ The word has lost every meaning to her. ❝I am.. not used to someone maybe wanting a real answer to that question. How are you? ❞
The knots were intricate with twists and turns creating patterns that reminded him of what his mother could do with Prim’s hair. Skilled careful fingers that were covered in bloodied bandages but still they never stopped. Only then did he realise that he couldn’t blame her, not for this but not for anything else either. She’s done what she thought was right, trying to save the people she loved. Something he had been trying to do from the day of the reaping.
“I do WANT a real answer, if you have one.” He didn’t have the words to express what he truly felt. “I’m fine, too.”
Katniss was as fine as he would ever be. The doctors had released him from the infirmary and he was allowed to roam the halls and completely disregard the orders laid out on his arm each morning. He didn’t have rope like her, he had dark, warm spaces he would cramp himself into to hide away.
“Does it always feel cold down here to you?”
╳ styliist ;;
boyeverdeen. ‖ ✖ starter call.
“I know it must be ODD to be so fussed over but——I need you to trust me. We’re on the same team.”
“IT JUST SEEMS pointless. This must be a waste of your time especially if nothing will come out of it.”
╳ burntbreadpeeta ;;
”She could, I mean she seems to at least listen to my advice sometimes so she might listen to me about that. I’m just naturally smooth, but the fact its blond hair kind of helps hide it sometimes. Well that just sounds perfect to me, we should get packing before Effie comes back.”
“I’M HOPING FOR THE sake of my masculinity that she will listen. I guess you’re lucky then, they won’t attack you with razors and strips of wax. Good point, should I bring anything special or is it a grab and dash thing?”
╳ polyphobiia ;;
“Clary just swears and argues with Johanna. He- he is, he is a good friend. There are some things I have to rely on him for, and I trust him. Don’t you trust Effie?”
“I BET SHE’S EASY TO argue with. A good friend. I trust Effie to get me to places on time and make sure I don’t look stupid.”
╳ alwaysruns ;;
“ is he? ”
should she tell him? nah. she’ll take comfort in letting him think that his sweet cat is just that mean. after all, maybe it’s just a cover that the furball doesn’t want blown. even cats have reputations, right?
“ i wonder how he got so – ferocious? ”
“UNLESS YOU’RE MY sister, then yes.”
stupid orange fur ball was a waste of air and good meat that could be used for a stew. maybe he could even use his pelt for shoes or slippers. something more useful than a cat.
“By being abandoned. I guess.”
╳ ofaxes ;;
& boyeverdeen liked for a starter.
“—looking good today everdeen, what did effie forced you to do?”
“Nothing, besides being nice to you.”
╳ burntbreadpeeta ;;
”Effie doesn’t know what she’s talking about. You look perfectly fine with hair. At least I’m safe, I’m already smooth. But if you’re running into the woods I’ll be happy to join.”
“DO YOU THINK SHE’LL listen to you? She just thinks I’m complaining and mutters about manners. Do you shave regularly or are you just naturally gifted? I think we can do it, maybe we could bring your oven and just live off bread and game.”
